It is great to hear him opening up and being forth-coming w/you and w/himself. He's making great progress and I can only believe that he'll continue to do so w/his T sessions as well. His depression issues should be able to be attacked as long as he's able to be this open about himself.
Isn't it funny that he'd rather continue down the wrong path rather than admit that he may have screwed up? He deliberately chose to stay w/Helen just so he could justify his decision to leave you and not look foolish.
That sounds exactly like my XW. However, unlike your BF, she's still trying to justify her actions and I'm pretty sure she'll never come around like he has.
Rob, yes, I was jaw open speechless when he admitted that! I kept thinking - thats exactly what Jody DB coach told me. That the majority of WAS's dont come back, or end it with OP, because they cant or dont want to have to admit they were wrong or had made a mistake. They feel foolish and cant bear the shame. He really is a textbook case! Except he was SO miserable and Helen was so not suited to him, that he had no choice but to admit he had made a mistake.
Thanks Saffie.. you are right, we talked about not 'papering over the cracks' or sweeping things under the carpet.. but, he doenst start these conversations. I like how you put it..the loss of exclusivity. I told him at the weekend I feel she has taken something or has something thats mine and I guess thats what it is, but that I realise its not her fault.
Feeling a bit low. Another weekend of him being quiet. He said he felt happy/contented, but he didnt look it to me. We still dont ML much. He says it ISNT me, that he DOES find me attractive...funny way of showing it! I know he has depression, but I dont see how we can make it longterm if this is how its going to be. He is still being affectionate and loving, but he was pretty snappy at the weekend, so the honeymoon period is over! I know he is stressed, but I feel its unfair he would snap at me at all, after what I've been through.
I think whats really bothering me is the comment he made about considering me his wife and then raising his eyebrows when I said, but I'm not though..? It doesnt look like he has the gumption or enthusiasm for life right now to talk about the future and make plans, including asking me to marry him. I'm hurt and discouraged by that in truth. We've been friends 14 years in January, together (apart from a gap!) for 11 in February and after all we've been through and the love and commitment I've shown him.. he STILL doesnt want to stand up in front of those who love us and marry me??? And I dont want to ask him to marry me.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think whats really bothering me is the comment he made about considering me his wife and then raising his eyebrows when I said, but I'm not though..? It doesnt look like he has the gumption or enthusiasm for life right now to talk about the future and make plans, including asking me to marry him. I'm hurt and discouraged by that in truth. We've been friends 14 years in January, together (apart from a gap!) for 11 in February and after all we've been through and the love and commitment I've shown him.. he STILL doesnt want to stand up in front of those who love us and marry me??? And I dont want to ask him to marry me
I know this is an emotional issue you are discussing here Ali, and I don't want to deviate from it being that really, but you might want to draw to his attention all this stuff in the UK press at the moment about common law partners, and their lack of rights when one of them dies.I know we don't like to think about dying, but being married does proetct us to some extent if your partner dies without making a will.
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I told him at the weekend I feel she has taken something or has something thats mine and I guess thats what it is, but that I realise its not her fault.
Ali, you are so nice. I can't be so forgiving about OW in my sitch. I was so hung up about her after reconciling that she still nearly ruined my M even though as far as my H was concerned she was history. In the end I just had to acknowledge that it was ok to dislike her for her part and for her 'stealing' something she should never have had. I don't know about Helen, but my H's OW knew exactly what she was doing and was out for all she could get; she didn't care who she hurt in the process as long as she was ok, and that included her own very young children who she abandoned to her H!!!
Do you REALLY believe it was not Helen's fault in any way?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hey Saffie.. that is a great suggestion! We own property and our finances are tangled and both our parents tell us we need to make wills (but we just havent !!) which is daft, I know.
Your sitch was different as he remained in the house and you have kids and OW would have KNOWN that. And yes, what type of woman leaves her own children?? Thats not good is it. I havent got to the bottom of Helen's involvement.. he admitted she was phoning him when we lived together (and some texts, one sent at midnight) and that she flirted with him and later finished with her long term partner for him. BUT, I dont know what he told her, that he lived with me or for how long, or maybe nothing at all until AFTER he had left me? I thikn it is strange she would phone him on his mobile in Aug-Oct 2007 she must've known he lived with me, but I dont think he was chasing her. He was also, very depressed at that time and says now he wasnt interested in her back then. She may well have been him though hey, looking at the evidence.
He says he didnt talk to her about me.. and yet, she told a MF's gf (someone I have now got to know) that she was worried about their R because he cant seem to get over his ex. He was surprised when I told him this after we reconciled (the gf told me that she had acted very odd one day, locked them both in the lounge and asked her what she knew etc).. so I am guessing she DID know about me, before they got together, or before he left me, because he has twice said he didnt really talk to her at all about me when they were together.
My Mum always said she was chasing him.. but who really knows hey???
I dont blame you for not liking her! K's sitch is similiar to yours, I thought of you when I was posting earlier. I am sure it was you (?) that gently reminded me not to demonise the OW. And thats right of course, its not really their fault. My bf wasnt with me when he dated her (although he had led me up the garden path most of that year!) so I guess she wasnt an ow, strictly.
I think the marriage thing will come in time from BF. Right now, that would probably push him over the edge. He's crawling back, but that may be too much too soon for him.
If he thinks you are married, give him time then broach the subject w/him. Also, since you two are joined in property, the idea of a will is a good thing to consider getting done.
RTL PS - What is the web site you get the horoscopes from that you posted to Kalni? I may look to get them for myself as I find them interesting.
So his depression goes up and down and we talk about it. He was very upset that German footballer killed himself, eventhough as he said, he had had lots of counselling. I said, you wouldnt do that would you? He started to say, I do.. (as in I dont think so) but corrected himself to say, no, no I wouldnt. Its very hard being around someone with depression, but he's brighter today and yesterday and makes me laugh alot!
We are at the 6 month mark and I do have moments when I think, if he did leave again it might almost be a relief, if that doesnt sound a little strange. But generally, things are truly great.
He finally went to the GUI clinic today 5 months after I asked him to (booked a day off !) and got the all clear with everything. He made me laugh with tales of what they did to him (involved a long poky stick up a very small hole), but he didnt mind, he said, thats how much I love you. Another little milestone ticked off !
xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
