I've been really focussing on my own life, on myself. Working on taking care of my own feelings and pulling back from H. I 'm seeing positive results. The calmer I am and the less I react with fear and anger to my H, the more calm and positive he has been as well.
Sunday morning i emailed him decided to put positive appreciation into the plan. I thanked him for being fair on our marital separation agreement, and for talking and comprimising about the weekend care schedule for our S. (H has been just showing up without making plans).
He responded by saying he noticed how reasonable I've been and even more so than he has been at times.This was a big step. Usually he is frustrated at "my freaking out" (even though as you may know from my thread H has anger problems). I demonstrated my calm and he noticed and responded well. Recently he has stopped insistence that I am out of the house when he is here.
Better this week. We have our Marital Settlement agreement agreed upon - we just need to have it finalized by the lawyers. I got H to agree not to actually file for legal sep! And, to agree to five months of MC and not file for D for one year. Yeah!
I've been giving him lots more space - not calling, not pursuing, not pressuring - this too may be why things are calmer. Still some anger, but not nearly as bad as before. I've been working on staying calm and not letting him get to me when he's critical.
How are you DBD? I'll check up on your sitch now...
H brought up the marital settlement agreement again - he's still aching over the stipulation of therapy and of not filing legal sep. I got emotional and into R talks - not a good idea. He got frustrated at me for not "sticking to the subject" and "wasting his time". Again, the script - I don't believe your changes will last, I think you will flip out at a moment's notice, I'm only going to MC because it was the only way to get you to sign the agreement, etc. I panicked and got depressed. I thought things were going well.
Sounds like things are going as well as can be expected. Hopefully you guys will be getting into MC soon.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Thanks BJ. I"m just tired of being blamed for all the problems - especially in the face of such glaring emotional abuse. I'm stunned at his ability to blame me for everything.
I got emotional and into R talks - not a good idea.
Yep.
Quote:
I thought things were going well.
Because you had an expectation. And that's the danger in having them. It sets you up for a fall.
Hope, you have got to work on detaching and focusing on you and your child. You simply cannot worry about what your H may or may not do.
You are allowing your H to dictate what you do, think and feel. Until you unhitch your happiness from him, you will continue to ride the roller coaster HE's driving.
It's your choice, but you can choose to continue on the roller coaster or you can step off and wave at H as he goes by for another lap. What YOU decide to do is within YOUR control.
Thanks everyone. GIMA - I don't know how to do that yet. Help? I still find myself hoping every single day that he will come back, come around, feel the loss, etc. I begin to doubt the baby steps and feel frustrated. It's not like he's totally gone yet, so I know there's still hope, and I must keep up my DB efforts. However I get feeling down when he doesn't recognize that our M is worth saving. How do I not let this affect me?
I worry what he may or may not do because he can be so emotionally abusive. In california, this has no bearing on a divorce so he is in no way forced to look at himself. I guess I'll keep working on how I want to be treated and walk away when that doesn't happen. I guess I need to remember that if he's going to blame me for all the problems, there is nothing I can do to save the M on my own. I can only not blame myself.Any more suggestions, oh great detachment guru? You seem to really have this down.
Prepare for being divorced. One of my coaching maximx is: Confidence comes from being prepared. You get emotional because you are afraid of what the future might be without your husband.
Quote:
I worry what he may or may not do because he can be so emotionally abusive.
Learn how to set boundaries.
I feel __(emotion)____________.
When you do __(behavior)_________.
When you do __(behavior)_______, I will _(consequence)_________.
If you continue to (behavior)___________ then the ultimate result will be _(how it effects the relationship_________.
"H, I feel disrespected when you attack me personally. When you call me names or abuse me in any way, I will point it out to you and then leave the room. If you continue to treat me this way then I will have to consider whether or not I will remain in this relationship."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
