Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

By the way, I won most buncos!! The crazy thing is that no one in my bunco group knows what is going on. I'm not wearing my ring but I gained weight so they probably think it doesn't fit. I am lying to them, too when they ask how things are going. I am hosting in January so if we aren't back together by then I don't know what to say. It's so humiliating and I HATE PEOPLE PITYING ME!!! So thatis another reason I don't say anything.

About the dinner--he loooooved it! Kept saying thanks for making it! I tried to make a big deal over the humidifier and high chair he bought for the baby.

He isn't coming over tomorrow so the next time is Saturday when he will take our baby at 7 and drop him off at 11. In the past, he has spent 8-4 every single Saturday at our house. This time, I told him he was "welcome to stay and visit with our baby but I don't need your help with the house" so he can leave at 11. This will be the first Saturday he has spent less than 8 hours with our son in 4 months. DAMN I HOPE IT MAKES AN IMPACT!

Tomorrow will be long, but we will go to a play group in the mid morning.

[newmama]

Also, don't you think the holidays have got to make the WAS feel sad and reflective? Another reason why I am waiting to file for D.
wait until he experiences Thanksgiving and Christmas as a single dad. My family is a lotof fun on Christmas so he will be missing that (if he isn't back by then).
Just how fun will it be hanging with the adulteress and her sister and mom who KNOW ME and KNOW what they are doing!!!
This is his last chance. If we end up Ding then I will just tell the teachers at my school that he left me for another woman and they won't need to know that I waited for him for 8 months. Many people assume that is automatic grounds for divorce. Heck, I was ready to do it in March until I read further about affairs and the kind he is having (because again, I swear, he was a very good man and never did anything remotely terrible EVER!)

[newmama]

Okay I just purchased 3 phone counseling sessions! Monday at 9 will be my first one...hey I should try everything right?
Man I am nervous that he will serve me with D papers this weekend or something will come up about it. But they said many people call after they have been served so the sessions are still valuable.

[newmama]

I was checking out past threads in the seperated forum and the infidelity forum. I discovered that only 10-20% of the posters in the seperated forum did NOT divorce. It was 60-70% in the infidelity forum.

Does this mean that if the reason for seperation or unhappy spouse is due to an affair then the odds of recovery are better?

This experience of fighting for my marriage has been the loneliest time in my life. Several of my friends just want me to leave him and let my son grow up in a split custody situation.

Upon reflection, those people did not personally experience divorce parents; their parents are still together. They also seem to quickly forget my WH's reedemable qualities and with one fell swoop categorize him as an evil scumbag.

I see him as having something broken inside; a mental problem; he will realize what he almost gave up after he comes home. On the other hand, I know I will be okay if the worst happens. If we didn't have a child, I would be thin, working, divorced by now and dating probably.

[newmama]

Okay so he came and picked him up, and asked me if I thought he should take the jumper or the bouncer. I just said either would be fine but I usually take the bouncer. He took neither.

While they were gone I went for a walk to eat breakfast, dusted the whole house, cleaned the kitchen, folded and put away laundry, took a nice long shower and did my hair and makeup.

When they got back, I tried not to appear as if I was eagerly waiting (ALTHOUGH I WAS) and casually walked up to see my baby boy. WH asked if it was all right if he hung out a little longer so he could see his boy a little more. I said sure, but we were going to visit my g-ma at 1 since the calendar visit only said 7-11...I made other plans. (I lied--I do want to go to my g-ma's but we'll see if she is available)

The first thing I did was change his outfit because, sure enough, it smelled like HER. (I know her perfume from last summer when we would hang out with her). I lied and said that I had an outfit in mind for my g-ma so that was why I was changing it. (I am also going to wash the blanket he took to use as well!)

So then, WH is Mr. Chatty all of a sudden, in such a good mood, wanting to tell me how things went!!! What an f-ing idiot! I think he saw that I wasn't all bright smiles at first and asked if I was okay. I said yes. Luckily he only told me how the car ride went and said he had some tummy time and was in a good mood.
I didn't want to know a single thing of course--I can't believe him! How could he not realize this? I had originally pictured taking my boy when he dropped him off, and then saying "goodbye, see you tomorrow!" But I guess he wanted to hang out.

Well, I am trying to not come across as bothered or depressed by this whole f-ed up situation so I miraculously turned on my good mood, made conversation and asked him if he wanted to watch V that I had recorded. So he held our baby boy and we watched the show. I started nursing our boy and then he left.

He noticed the house was clean and complimented me on it.
I wonder when he'll notice that I lost weight (I've lost a total of 30 lbs so far)

Boy I am curious about the phone counseling session on Monday--I wonder what they will tell me to do different! I am trying to do as described in Divorce Remedy.

Oh, and no D talk again.I guess that would be really cold if he brought it up today.

[newmama]

So we visited my grandma and I told her how it went. Now I know she wants the reconciliation to happen, so she can be biased. But she said "I bet (OW) is not that excited about your baby...she'll be polite and all but I just think (WH) is going to notice her enthusiasm is nothing compared to yours, and that man is crazy about his son!"

???we'll see. I will add some moves from my DB counseling session next week, too.

I must say that it seemed like baby and I barely saw WH compared to usual Saturdays since he left 3.5 hours early. I bet he is noticing it too...especially since he chose to take 90 minutes of his 4 hour visit to take him to OW. So he was only with his son 4 hours instead of 8!

He comes over tomorrow at 12.

[newmama]

He came over and did not bring his work bag again (it has the old D paperwork in it)! It has been 4 weeks since he brought up D talk. He made lots of reference to "we" "our" but who knows what that means. For ex: "we have some rice" "our garage gets cold" "I'll be home, er, here, around 5." He even made inside jokes.

I was cheerful, relaxed, but prepared if he were to bring up the D. I actually got my inspiration from reading another thread where the woman's H was with OW and told her the reason why he liked being with OW is that he felt no pressure. They talked about light topics, watched TV and laughed, and she never brought up his marriage. In fact, the OW even turned down a dinner date, telling H he should enjoy dinner with his wife after their C session! So I decided to be the happy, relaxed one.

Do you know that usually I hear WH's phone buzz at least twice from what I am assuming to be a text from OW? I am soooo much better at not texting him when he is with her!

Last time we spent time together I was anticipating the D talk and filled the silence with nervous chatter about the baby.So this time I just let it be quiet if that was the case.

I worked out for almost an hour, took a long time getting ready, went grocery shopping but then just hung out, checking my email or reading a magazine.Together we played with the baby a little, (mostly he did but I joined in sometimes)marveling at how amazing and funny and cute he is.

Looking back on the last year, major things happened on Holidays.
Halloween (08)--found out I was pregnant.
New Year's--found out about the affair.
St. Patrick's--found out he never ended it
(BTW Thanksgiving and Christmas sucked a$$ last year just b/c he was so distant and not enthused about the pregnancy but I didn't know why)

So wouldn't it be funny if on Thanksgiving he wants to talk about reconciling? A girl can dream, right? HOPE HOPE

[newmama]

Oh yeah...he said that his dad wants to come down to see the baby before Christmas. So are we supposed to do that together? hmmm...need to run that by my DB coach!

[newmama]

just another post...gotta love this "blog" opportunity...I had a thought today (well more than 1):
what if WH was telling the truth about why he married me? he said he fears that it was b/c he was lonely after his divorce.

It's my own stupid fault for marrying him then. I mean I have been wondering all these years if meeting him 6 months after his D would bite me in the butt one day...because it was the ONLY bad thing about him.

His ex cheated on him and left him for a guy she met from work and then married the guy. But last winter, 4 years later, she starts emailing my WH sying she was stupid to leave him; she's unhappy and now has 2 kids with this guy.

The funny thing is that we sure have a lot in common for someone he settled for just to rid himself of loneliness!

The other funny thing is that he has now personally known 2 people who have cheated on their spouses, divorced them to be with the OP, and then came crawling back (or tried) and regretted ever leaving. I wonder if that's why he hasn't served me with D paperwork yet?

He's also never told me he wants me to move on, or find someone for myself.

So, to sum it up, maybe he truly is confused, truly thought that he made a mistake marrying me, but only had these thoughts AFTER MEETING OW!!! But because of these other true life stories I referred to, he is aware that he could be making the biggest mistake of his life so he is stalling on the D.

Besides, 8 months after practically living with OW it must be dawning on him that his fantasy girl is actually a manipulative*, selfish* bitch who fakes it in bed*. (LOL) and that, like many men, he initially confused LUST for love. As reality sets in, he is discovering that what he felt/feels for me is the real deal...the best kind of love that is based on shared history, intimacy and has a lifetime to grow deeper and richer.

*manipulative b/c she used sex and sob stories to lure him and helped him justify why they should pursue a relationship (the timing was off but they were supposed to meet! barf)

*selfish (besides the obvious) but also because she doesn't support him seeing his son as much as he does
*faking it in bed (???just a guess b/c these type of women who use sex to feel control over men ALWAYS FAKE THE Os WHILE MAKING PORNSTAR NOISES!!!!!!I bet you a million bucks)

But you know what? If he ends up wanting this D and her,I feel sorry for him b/c it will pain him to see me happy with another man who is awesome with our son and he will deeply regret it. Not being angry here, just saying it honestly.I know I will be okay. Our son won't know any different.

I hang on b/c I also know my WH is one of a kind, and that is why I chose to continue dating him despite his recent divorce. Deep down he knows I, too, am one of a kind and that's why ultimately he won't divorce me!!

[newmama]

10 minutes til my phone session with the DB coach...I have butterflies in my stomach!!!!