Also, think about how annoyed your W would be if YOU texted her all day long while she was working. You would get an earful from her so why are you allowing it. You can't wait until next time to set your boundary. Set it now.
And I must disagree w/your philosophy about reconciling. In a way you remind me of my H. It is not reconcile or nothing. While this is just my personal opinion and perhaps not the popular line of thought I think there has to be some middle ground to see if reconciling is even an option.
I don't apologize anymore. I have finished with that. I have tried to make things work. She has not. You are correct.
I used to think I owe my W my unconditional love no matter what. I'm not so sure anymore. It is something I struggle with now.
I have forgiven myself. While I regret my past actions, I have also apologized for them more than once. That is enough.
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What happened to ignoring your W when she IM or TXT? Dont ENABLE her ERRACTIC BEHAVIOR by immediantly responding. Think YOU are the CAPTAIN of the ship why are you letting her steer?
The conversations start out about the kids and then shift. I just have to get better about cutting it off and keeping myself from shifting it as well.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Also, think about how annoyed your W would be if YOU texted her all day long while she was working. You would get an earful from her so why are you allowing it. You can't wait until next time to set your boundary. Set it now.
She would definitely give me an earful. She has everytime I ever bugged her at work.
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And I must disagree w/your philosophy about reconciling. In a way you remind me of my H. It is not reconcile or nothing. While this is just my personal opinion and perhaps not the popular line of thought I think there has to be some middle ground to see if reconciling is even an option.
You could be right.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I think a "light" is coming on slowly. You dont OWE her anything. And it's time you take back CONTROL of YOUR LIFE.
Damn right! Be tough. Respectful BUT TOUGH. Time to show TOUGH LOVE Kev. I agree w everything CG is saying. Set your BOUNDARIES NOW. No talk other then about the girls. Start showing her that you demand RESPECT. "I would appreciate it that you dont bother me at work... I am having dinner with my brother on sat. period. " 180's Kev. If you are not used to being CONFIDENT and DEMANDING RESPECT and SETTING BOUNDARIES then do it. She might be attracted to you LEADERSHIP. Who knows. Then you can decide if she's GOOD ENOUGH for YOU.
I think a "light" is coming on slowly. You dont OWE her anything. And it's time you take back CONTROL of YOUR LIFE.
Damn right! Be tough. Respectful BUT TOUGH. Time to show TOUGH LOVE Kev. I agree w everything CG is saying. Set your BOUNDARIES NOW. No talk other then about the girls. Start showing her that you demand RESPECT. "I would appreciate it that you dont bother me at work... I am having dinner with my brother on sat. period. " 180's Kev. If you are not used to being CONFIDENT and DEMANDING RESPECT and SETTING BOUNDARIES then do it. She might be attracted to you LEADERSHIP. Who knows. Then you can decide if she's GOOD ENOUGH for YOU.
I have nothing to add to this as I agree with it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
K4D: How did lunch go? W: great. she was sad til she saw me. it was good. she's pretty pissed at mom. W: i can't blame her W: mom just sent me this text... can you believe it???? W: "I'm concerned about you. I know things are changing for you and not in a positive way. That's why we need to stick together as a family. luv u." W: i'm not responding yet... because the only thing i can say is "you don't know what the f*ck is going on with me and i'll keep it that way, thank you very much. AND for the record, the only thing my family has ever taught me is that i can rely on myself and only myself. K4D: I'm glad you were able to eat lunch with D7. I'm sure it made her day K4D: I don't know anything that goes on in the family anymore so I just don't have much to offer advice wise W: not seeking any. and nothing has changed in the family. mom & stepdad are best friends with sister & sisters boyfriend. and me and the girls are usually ignored, which i prefer. K4D: I see
I didn't totally shut W off, but I didn't really dig into it either regarding her family.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I have to shut her down, but why is she now starting to vent things to me where as she wouldn't before? What is going on here.
I can't put anymore thought into this.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
All of that could have been avoided had you NOT pursued her and IM'd her about the lunch.
You easily could have asked your D7 how she enjoyed lunch.
You say you can't take this anymore but you are the one that starts it far too often. You can't seem to grasp the difference between "cutting her off" and setting a BOUNDARY.
You pursued with IM to ask about a lunch that has NOTHING to do with you. You allowed your W to ramble on about her family crap and then went as far as to say that you don't know what goes on in her family so you have no advice. Why would you want to know or give advice to such a matter since you have no contact w/these people and you aren't even allowed around them?
Let your W call a friend or one of her OM's to vent her crap but stop thinking if you are "there" just a little bit it will make a difference. It *will* make a difference it just won't be a positive one.
THINK before you do something. There was no point at ALL in your IM'ing your W. None. And don't say it was to be sure D7 was okay. You and D7 could have talked about the lunch at another time and you didn't need to ask your W about it.
I admit, I have a tough time shutting her down especially now that she is venting to me and I don't know why she is venting to me now. It is a little confusing. If she doesn't care what I think or want anything to do with me, why is she venting to me lately?
Is it because I have finally started doing my own thing and blowing her off with plans? Does she feel like she is losing control and is trying to retain it? Or what? I don't know.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
