Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Hi, all,
I'm new but have been lurking for several months and have been inspired by the stories and threads on here. I have been on a couple other website forums and they both help but one thinks I am crazy for thinking he's coming back. The other was a tad too forceful if I didn't do things 100% the way they said (i.e. I exposed the A to our families and friends but refuse to expose his A to his work...and the people started snubbing me and said I didn't really want my marriage bad enough).

Anyway, besides getting support from you all, the other reason why I am starting a thread is that maybe someone will read it one day who is in the same unfortunate circumstances and it will help to keep them patient...hopeful...and maybe I will have a "happy ending".

Okay so my story :SHORT version- WH started an EA last summer with a coworker and it turned to a PA. DDays were Jan 1 when he said he wanted to work on us, but then took it underground and I found out Mar 17. So I kicked him out b/c he couldn't choose between us and didnt want to stop contacting her. OUr baby was born July 6 (HE WANTED to start a family back in October!) and he has mentioned wanting to come back, thinking we should D, all over the place. Currently he has moved out now for 8.5 months. I let him see his baby boy whenever he wants because I am not going to put our son in the middle (been there growing up) and I want him to bond with him.

My deadline for him is Jan 1 but he doesn't know. I will file for D if he doesn't come back by then.

LONG story: last summer (08) husband started becoming a good friend to OW from work while she was going through marriage problems.She is very sexually aggressive, meaning constantly sprinkles sexual innuendos in coversation, pretends to give blowjobs while eating, brags about her sexual moves, wears suggestive clothing. As she gets to know him, she tells him how her dad raped her repeatedly while growing up, about her drug phase, etc. She has a 3 year old. Her ex-husband went to jail (is out now)for having sex with a 15 year old.

My husband felt sorry for her and wanted to help be a positive influence on her. (at first) But turns out they have some interests in common--video games, some rock music, a love of rollercoasters, OMG he thinks he found his soulmate!!!

Meanwhile, I was aware of their friendship but trying not to be the insecure jealous type. I told him I was uncomfortable with all the text messages and phone calls she was making; they stopped for awhile.

October (08) comes and my H tells me he is ready to start a family. Guess what--we got pregnant the first time we tried! I find out on Halloween and he isn't overjoyed...but politely happy. Over the next couple of months he starts acting distant, questioning why we got married, says we would be great at co-parenting, and I did not put 2 and 2 together! I thought he was having cold feet about the pregnancy.

So finally on New Year's, things come out...he says he's in love with her, that he didn't mean for it to happen. I make him choose and he reluctantly chose me. We try counseling but they aren't so good with infidelity (I was told to put on a sexy negligie to get his libido going...)He wasn't coming around so I break into our cell phone account online (he had changed the password) on March 17 while he is on a work trip. Her number is all over the place. He had been deleting phone records on his cell phone when I checked.

This time when I give the ultimatum he is confused so I make him leave for a couple of days and then I leave for a few more..we had a new counselor appt. scheduled for the following week. He said at first he wanted to go to "make his heart match his brain" b/che knew that staying with me, his pregnant wife, was the right thing to do but his heart was saying to go for this relationship where he'd never felt the passion like he did with her...what if? what if..gasp, sputter, shake...she's his one true love that he has been waiting for his whole life?!

Okay sorry this is so long. But he moved out,we started divorce paperwork but never finished it and he said he wasfine with that. I stopped talking or seeing him except for our labor classes and dr. appts. He moves in for 3 weeks to be with our baby who was born first week in July. He admits that he's thought of returning but he made too much of a mess. I assure him that my family and friends want us to reconcile and we could--he is a good person who made a bad mistake. A few days later he says he's not ready but he knows it's wrong to expect me to wait for him.

I don't know what to think but then I discovered this website. He comes over 6/7 days per week, spends all day Saturday and half of Sunday here. About 4 weeks ago he brings up the D paperwork and says he just has to fill it out. I cry and talk about how sad it will be for our son.

A couple of weeks later he brings over the parenting plan we drafted in the spring when I thought we were divorcing. He doesn't take it out of the bag but says we need to start preparing for him to take him one day per week. I am torn on this; we aren't divorced, what do I do? But I agreed to let him take our baby for 4 hours on Saturday. My only reasoning is that he can start to experience the divorced dad's life and I KNOW he will be taking our baby to see OW. But I am still wanting to see what will happen over the holidays...I just haven't done a dark plan B yet because I wanted him to bond with our newborn AND NOT do it at her house. All of this time, he has been coming over here.

So now I think I can try this until January and then, I must do a dark plan B and file for D....I guess.

[newmama]

I should add some details...been together 5+ years, "married" 4+ (if this year counts). WH has been a very good husband. I have been a pretty good wife; the LM dropped off a little there due to exhaustion and I had a (benign) fibroid tumor that was wreaking havoc on my hormones but had it removed.My libido returned, I lost 30 pounds,then he started befriending HER.

We agreed to let me stay home for a year to be with our baby.
So since August, I have been trying to GAL, not discussing our relationship, been cheerful and confident, working on areas that need improvement, and I forgot to add that I told him I did not want the D (when it was brought up 2 weeks ago) and it was his decision entirely.

[NoCodeBlues]

I'd like to know just what sort of commitment has your H made to your child before and after birth that he thinks he has any real input or say into his upbringing. Looks to me like he's been an absent father, not just an absent H, so beyond a minimal level of supervised visitation, what on Earth makes him think he is due an entire day with a child who is too young to be separated from its mother?

Before anyone says anything, I am a father of two and a staunch advocate for shared parenting. But given that it appears from your story that your S's father had already made his mental and spiritual exit from the family prior to his birth -- probably even before his conception -- I don't think he has any believable claims to want more than the absolute minimum and age-appropriate visitation with this baby. And as the child matures, I think the onus is upon your H to prove he's anything more than a (dare I say it) sperm donor. Actions speak louder than words.

[newmama]

Another thing...only 3 people support me letting him see his son all the time. We work out a monthly schedule. I am gone a lot of the time whenhe is here, but then I also have gone with him and our baby on outings to show what life will be like if we stay together.

He helps take care of chores, brings me things he knows I like,
is a really good dad and is so crazy about our son.He was the one crying when discussing the parenting plan/ divorce a couple of weeks ago. I stayed calm and dry eyed. He said he couldn't imagine only seeing him 3-4 days each week.

I am prepared to enforce a traditional visitation schedule according to our parenting plan if he files OR when I file in January.

I should file by then if he isn't back, right? He moved out 3/31.

Also, back in July he admitted he loved me so much and always will. He admitted his relationship with her had its problems, but all do. (to which I asked "then why did you leave me?" no reply)

He cries whenever the D talk comes up which has only been brought up 3 times since March and never by me.

He hinted that she was not supportive of the amount of time he sees his son/ is over here.

Now I do feel confused about letting him take our son on Saturdays 7-11 when we aren't divorced...but I still want him to experience a glimpse of the future if he doesn't wake the f up!!!

The fantasy in me thinks maybe he wants her to meet him before he breaks it off with her( he has never taken our baby anywhere without me--his choice---and says he wants to stay away from work right now b/c of the swine flu outbreaks.)

I also envision Thanksgiving taking a toll when he celebrates without us. His family 100% disapproves of what he's doing and his brother in law left his sister and their kids for another woman, only to discover after 9 months that she wasn't who he imagined and he has been trying to get back with my SIL ever since! (been amost 3 years now)

I am rambling....I just am trying so hard to be patient and not be a bitch to him.

[newmama]

Hi, Nocodeblues,
just saw your reply but I was typing another at the same time.
The parenting plan is based on what the experts' recommendations for parents who want 50% custody. It doesn't have overnight visits until baby is 6 months.

I have been trying soooo hard to think of what is best for our baby and not be selfish. As for H being a good dad, I know he is not living here, but he totally takes care of him, plays with him, feeds him, bathes him when he is over. So I can't say that he is a total deadbeat dad. Just not true.

Letting him take our baby 4 hours on Saturday is in the legal paramaters if we were divorced or legally separated. I am open to hearing ideas about this, I just wanted to explain the rationale. Thanks!!

[NoCodeBlues]

Hi, Newmama,

It is good your H is showing that he wants to be an active father in your child's life. Still, there are consequences to one's actions, and his decision to seek the end of the M even before the child was born does not weigh in his favor. From my viewpoint, his pursuit of an A and the threat that is undoubtedly having on the child's prospects for family and security, just tells me he is more concerned for himself than for anyone else, including his own child.

We can all pray, however, that your H will look at the impending consequences of his selfish actions and decide that what he really wants is to be in line with what is truly best for his family, and to not abandon it, which is what he would be doing in a D. In the end, leaving his child's mother for another person is one of the most harmful things he can do to his family.

I would suggest you do nothing for or against letting your WAH feel the full impact of what his actions & decisions are going to cause.

God willing, he will wake up before it is too late.

[newmama]

NCB,
do you mean I should implement the parenting plan before one of us files for D? thanks

[newmama]

Okay so I finally bought Divorce Remedy and just read the section on infidelity so far. She says to keep up the cheerful act and wait as long as you can because most affairs end. I know this and I am confident that theirs will, even if it is after I run out of patience.

Something I need to work on is remembering the little details about what he likes. He is very particular and I have come 90% close many times in pleasing him(i.e. got the shirt he likes but it has 2 buttons instead of 3. Got the watch he likes but the one he has had for 5 years is still working great so he tells me to give it to my dad. Got the style of bread he likes but it wasn't the right brand. You get the picture right?) On the other hand he is such a good listener and has sucha good memory that I say something once and he gets it/does it for me.

Folks, the balance was off...I was starting to take him for granted and by the time I noticed, it was too late...he had become attached to her. DR says to figure out what needs the OP may be fulfilling. Well, I think although I am always nice to him (seriously) and praise him, she was REALLY doing it in a flirtatious way, too. She is a real siren type. She probably did all kinds of crazy sex acts, although I wasn't exactly boring in bed (don't want to be crude here). She liked some of the things he did that I didn't (haunted houses, some video games, some rock music).

Okay so tonight he's coming over and I leave to go play Bunco with my friends but we have time for dinner first. So I am making one of his favorites-- french bread pizza. Lately I have been cooking all kinds of recipes that are new though (Thai peanut curry chicken,stuffed hamburgers, asian flank steak and noodles to name a few) and he has loved it (for awhile there, we were eating the same meals and he cooked 75% time while I prepped. He was also a better cook than me because he is so detail oriented!).

I also picked up some reese's peanut butter cups- DARK, and one "big cup" b /c he loves the extra filling. I found some wine on sale that he said he liked, too. Now I will just put the candy in the pantry b/c he will find it when digging around for dessert, and I'll put the wine in the fridge for another night. If he notices it, great, but I don't want to completely overdo it, right? That might come across as needy and chasing?

The other thing I really need to work on is cleaning. I'mnot a slob but I let the mail pile up on the counter or go too long between dusting and I am a messy cook. I'll clean the dishes but then there will be crumbs/sauce on the stove and the floor.


I have gained weight from pregnancy but am losing it, exercising, and have been styling my hair and wearing make up every time he sees me.


So in summary, need to notice the small things he likes and get them for him (already started and he noticed--said you don't like these..you got these just for me?), need to be cleaner (working on it), need to continue cooking the different dishes (he has noticed that and loves it!)I also need to continue complimenting him on things he does (admiration is big for him) and touch him again.

We used to hug goodbye but it just started to feel wrong to me. One of his needs is affection and I had to get rid of it because, well, he is f-ing another woman you know??? I was moving away from him when his body got too close (instinctual) so lately I am relaxing and letting his body brush against mine if it happens. I touch his arm when talking or joking around, etc. BUt it would be weird to start hugging him again, right? I haven't done it in 3 months.

[bluestar]

wow mama, you have a lot on your plate. First thing I see is that I wouldn't let my child spend one second with him outside my house without me. The last thing you want is your infant son bonding with OW. She does not sound like the kind of person that you want your baby around and your H probably does not have the willpower to stay away from her even if he is with his son. I am all for father's rights but they have to make responsible choices. Right now, your H is not.

While DBing does include fulfilling his needs, don't take responsibility for his part. As women, we tend to immediately turn it around to blame ourselves. Be careful not to take on too much. I didn't really start to get my H attention until I was willing to work on me.

There are lots of people here with great advice. Keep posting. We're all here for you.

[newmama]

Thanks, Bluestar! I don't really know how to not let my H take him to OW without it pressuring or pressing the D issue. You know? I told him I wasn't ready and needed more time when he brought it to my attention a couple of weeks ago. When I said that, the next day he came over and said that he brought the parenting plan paperwork with him and said we needed to start documenting stuff. ??? I reminded him that he gets to see our son whenever he wants to and all I was saying is that I wanted more time before he took him.

On the positive, our baby is with me 98% time so I seriously doubt him bonding with OW with one Saturday visit of 2.5 hours (it will take WH 45 minutes to get there and 45 minutes to come back.)

So I don't mean tosound defensive, but what choice do I have unless I invite the D you know? If it happens, then my baby gets to see OW as often as WH gets to see him. The law does not prevent WH from taking our baby to see her.

In fact, I would have enforced the visitation long ago if I could bear the thought of OW seeing and playing with and holding our baby. BUt I couldn't so I encouraged WH to come over here and see his son as much as he wanted (plus I wanted him to bond with our baby and I wanted our baby to bond with him. I never got to know my bio dad)

So, since I am still wanting my marriage, I am not clear on the right steps to take you know? If I react, he will push the D but if I chill out, he will get tired of her and remember why he married me, RIGHT??? Or not?? This is sooooo hard.