I have changed my name, for 2 reasons. I think WAW may have some idea that I am on here, and I don't feel comfortable with her reading my posts and my previous name would be too easy to find me. Also, that name was one I chose the first time around 4 years ago and this is now.
Last night WAW came home stumbling drunk. She has developed a real alcohol abuse problem. I am hoping she will deal with that after we are apart. If not, at least kids won't see it nearly as much. The more I think about how dysfunctional our home is getting, the more I relaize it is time for WAW and I to be apart - and should only be together again some day, if lots of things change. It doesn't make the impending separation any easier, but at least I am starting to feel like it's partly my choice.
Went to divorce support group for the second time last night. It calms me and even this morning I feel better.
Every day I get a little closer to accepting the separation and even understanding that it is the only option right now, considering how my WAW feels. I am also trying to see the separation as what it most likely is - a prelude to divorce. WAW continues to show hints that there is hope for reconciliation, but I am no longer clinging to that hope as much as before. Am I finallly starting to detach?
I have reclaimed an appetite of some kind and my calm moments are lasting longer. I am still working out with S16, dressing up more often, and making an effort to GAL. It's tough with money being tighter, but I am getting there.
I know it will be another phase after WAW "slowly moves out" December 1 and then yet another January after the family vacation and starting a new year with her move out complete. Those who have read this thread know that WAW is planning on being around the house a fair amount after her move in order to see the kids. I am thinking I will go with the flow in December to ensure the vacation goes smoothly, and transition is easier on kids, but in January tell WAW I want real separation. She can still see kids, but I don't want to see or talk to her for quite some time. This will allow me to truly move on and also let her see the reality of the situation. She will still be cake eating to some extent, but only in reference to the kids and I am ok with that for their sakes.
A couple of times in the last few days WAW has alluded to the fact that the move out is not a finality for her. Seemed genuine and not intentional. Just maybe, my nice guy thing may not have been a complete DB failure this time. We'll see.
Today after S16 and I worked out together, WAW made us a nice dinner and on her way out to meet some friends, she kissed son as usual, but then kissed me. It's been a while. No big deal, but nice.
Looking at the good things: no legal stuff started by WAW, kids are confortable and safe, I am in my house with my kids, WAW still plans on being around house some (good in some ways), WAW still being caring and considerate, no sign of ant kind of OM.
Those, and the "one day at a time" comment. You just seem to be content with her being "nice," and trying to measure your DB efforts by that. I would contend that if she is still running away from you and her family, but being "nice" in the process, that those are crumbs.
Those who have read this thread know that WAW is planning on being around the house a fair amount after her move in order to see the kids. I am thinking I will go with the flow in December to ensure the vacation goes smoothly, and transition is easier on kids, but in January tell WAW I want real separation. She can still see kids, but I don't want to see or talk to her for quite some time. This will allow me to truly move on and also let her see the reality of the situation. She will still be cake eating to some extent, but only in reference to the kids and I am ok with that for their sakes.
Puppy (and all): Just now when I was telling WAW a few things about divorce group last night she said "I never said I was divorcing you". The more I look at things with a fishbowl mentality, the more I see that WAW is really in limboland of her own making. She wants to "have her space" - but not give up the possibility of future reconciliation.
The reality may be that I pushed her out the door by doing such a crap job of dbing in the last 2 months. Now, she thinks the only way she can have space is to physcially create it. So...now it would appear that basic dbing skills applied properly could still result in a bust of this divorce. As I have made some progress in moving forward the last few days, she is suddenly saying things that allow me to know it is not over in her mind. It looks like I db'd well without even knowing it!
I am just starting to realize that with my WAW it takes a combination of nice guy and dbing to make any progress. I know - RobX would say none of us are unique, but unqiue approaches just might be ok???
Puppy - you said my idea of real separation in January is excellent - but do you think I need to be very hard core about it - or can I do the combo thing - not clearly state it to her - but instead just live it? Not be predicatble in the times I will be home - be polite if she is here, but focus on everything other than her? Since actions speak louder than words, must I actually state it or can I just live it and if she says anything deal with it then?
Puppy - you said my idea of real separation in January is excellent - but do you think I need to be very hard core about it - or can I do the combo thing - not clearly state it to her - but instead just live it? Not be predicatble in the times I will be home - be polite if she is here, but focus on everything other than her? Since actions speak louder than words, must I actually state it or can I just live it and if she says anything deal with it then?
BTM,
That is an exceptional question. Here's my take on it:
I think when it comes to DBing tactics stuff -- GALing, 180s, etc. -- yeah, it's best to not make any grand pronouncements, and just DO it.
However, this is something major, involving how you two tend to co-parent and communicate with each other, and it also represents a change-of-mind (which is FINE, btw!) on your part. Plus, it shows STRENGTH (Gucci's "I have decided that -- " formulation would be a good way to phrase it, btw).
So yeah, I do think you have to let her know. Nothing too dramatic, and certainly not an angry outburst -- just calm, confident, and matter-of-fact. Then, having told her, just live it out, just as you describe in the quote above.
Now that I have become aware that at this point my WAW has not ruled out future reconciliation, I am not as excited as I thought I would be. The last couple of days, I don't even like seeing her. Now I am almost looking forward to her being out. Am I going crazy, or is this "normal"?
Have others gone through this - one day feeling like you could be patient and do whatever it takes for however long it takes - and then a few days later, just want it over? Is it because, deep down I know that after a year of living single, it's not realistic that she will want to come back?
I am doing a better job of living day by day, and caring for me, and trying not to live with one outcome in mind. But....for a planner like me, that is just plain weird. I don't want to change the basics of who I am - especially aspects that I am fine with.
I hope my question is clear - because it's unclear in my own mind today.
Barely spoke with WAW today since she is out of town on business. But...during a brief phone conversation she again used the term "day by day". It seems the closer we get to ther move out date, the less she becomes sure of the future.
Looking at things as objectively/fishbbowl as possible, it seems there could be a future reconciliation if I can be patient. Of course, that is not my strong suit.
I continue to do well at work, working out with S16, and making an effort to spend time doing things I enjoy.
Still riding the rollercoaster and considering asking new family doctor to medicate me. I would prefer to have access when I need it, but try not to use it all the time.
Sleeping alone tonight since WAW is gone for the night. Soon I will be doing it all the time, so I have to get used to it. That is going to be one of the toughest parts for me.
I have a question for the veterans/pros that I may not like the answer to....
I know all situations are different, but does separation (definite physical, with WAW signing a one year lease on apartment - not legal) always lead to divorce? Has anyone ever been apart for an extended time, and then reconciled?
I realize knowing the answer could be harmful to me, but I really want to know what the odds are if I can db during that year.
I realize knowing the answer could be harmful to me, but I really want to know what the odds are if I can db during that year.
I can't come up with odds because every situation is unique. You're talking about human beings -- confused, hurting human beings at that.
I can say that my parents actually got divorced and ended up reconciling and remarrying within a year. So anything is possible.
What will influence the likelihood of your staying together is how well you GAL and turn yourself around; staying positive when dealing with your spouse; detaching yourself once you've separated and letting her see what life without you (the new, happier, confident you) is like.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
