My W started her EA a year and a half ago, she dropped the bomb on me a little over a year ago, we've been separated for ten months, and her EA became a PA about nine months ago. She has travelled to see OM three times . . .
And each time, she returned to your marital home, and to her marriage, with no real consequences from the sexcapade?
The way I typed that made it unclear. I meant she had been telling me for years that her feelings for me were not what they should be. We had been in MC for many years. We wrestled endlessly with why she felt this way. She always just blamed me and my behavior, but now that I've been detached for a while, and now that I've learned so much, I can see that's BS. Nothing I did in our M warranted her attitude toward me.
I was finally vindicated when recently during one of our talks, she told me that it wasn't because of me. She has been working on her own issues, and she said abuse in her childhood made her unable to trust me, and caused her to see me as abusive, when I really wasn't. This led to her emotional withdrawal.
The book "Love Without Hurt" has really helped me understand how our R was broken. I told her about it and she immediately offered to read it.
And each time, she returned to your marital home, and to her marriage, with no real consequences from the sexcapade?
No, we were separated by then. She tried to plan her first trip to see OM while we were still living together, before I even knew about the A. She lied and said the trip was for her dissertation research. A few days later I found out about her A, and I said if she went on the trip she wasn't welcome back in our home. She backed down and cancelled her trip. She then moved out, and soon after travelled to see OM, consumating the A.
Yeah, I guess it was good, but it was a small victory. I needed to be much stronger at the beginning of all this. I believe if I had been strong enough, I could have prevented the whole thing. If I had access to your advice, and had been strong enough to truly implement it (hard boundaries, cut off financial support, cut off emotional support), I think my W might have come crying back to me out of sheer terror of being alone.
I have to admit though, I'm not 100% sure that would have been a good thing. This crisis has caused us both to deal with serious issues. We seemed to be incapable of dealing with them within the confines of our M. Whether we can put our M back together is yet to be seen.
That's why I'd really like to give it another try with my W. Our M was so broken, and we both were such a mess. This separation has been a revelation in many ways. I see her now in a way I never have. We were so stuck in our R. Our whole life became defined by resentment, and we were both too blind to see it, at least not until we were apart for long enough. Even her A, I hate it, but if I'm honest, I have to admit that if it wasn't for her A, we probably would have kept stumbling through our M, and even if we tried to separate, our co-dependence would have pulled us back before any real progress was made. The A served as a barrier that finally kept us apart long enough to get unknotted from each other and deal with the reasons why we were such a mess.
I hate the idea of moving forward in my life without knowing if my W and I could have a great R now. I'm an engineer by trade, so I tend to want to fix things, but sometimes I think I should just hand all this over to God and let him work it out.
I'm an engineer by trade, so I tend to want to fix things, but sometimes I think I should just hand all this over to God and let him work it out.
I can appreciate that, but as I told Serenity13 last night, you can't always do only that. I sometimes picture God saying," I gave you intelligence, perspective, widom, decisiveness, free will, etc. So whatca alwys waiting for me for?"
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I'm trying to do my part, but I'm exhausted by it all right now.
I'm sure you are. And after 11 months of total physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological exhaustion, I do know the value of sometimes Letting Go and Letting God.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
