You got her hooked and played out. Reel-er in now.
Easier said than done. That will literally take step by step coaching.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I also had my bank card lost/stolen, not sure which. I had to deal with that tonight. Someone tried to make withdrawals but luckily the system declined the transactions and the bank called me and issued me a new card.
I don't know why, but the first thing I thought about after reading this was the girl at the bar (and the guys supposedly hitting on her)....Maybe they were all in cahoots?
Just wanted to let you know I was following your thread. Will have to go back and get the exact details.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
OK - you want some step by step coaching, here is what I think.
For the most part you handled that IM *very* well. I still think you are offering your W too much info about your personal life.
I would not have told her about the lost/stolen bank card, that you are low on money, that you are using a credit card right now for the basics or that you are trying to save money. Too much info. If you have your own bank account there is no need for your W to know what is going on with it. If she is tied to that account of course she would need to know about the stolen/lost card but if the acct. is solely yours then what was the point of telling her about it? Finances are now personal matters and since she said she ONLY wanted to talk about the children then ONLY talk about the children.
Wasn't one of her complaints the fact that she felt you couldn't support a family? Do you thinking telling her that you could not afford to take your daughter to McD's was a good or bad move? First of all, she shouldn't be offering you suggestions on where and how to spend time with your children. I simply would have said "daughter and I always find something fun and interesting to do!" and left it at that.
When she asked if you had plans and you told her what those plans were (moving couch) but it got cancelled you should have either said "yes, I have plans so I really need to run, can you go ahead and send the custody arrangement via e-mail so I have a few days to look it over and compare it against my schedule" I might even have added something along the lines of you wanting to get a firm schedule nailed down ASAP due to your busy holiday schedule.
When she asked why you cancelled dinner the other night you could have said "after giving it some thought I felt it best for me to have all custody discussion "on paper"... I am sorry I cancelled at the last minute but something came up". Then say no more - don't tell her what a good time you had. Let her wonder what came up and let her wonder why you want all custody talks to have a paper trail.
And be sure to end all talks/IM's first. Avoid all this needless personal banter. She is the one that dictated to you that she only cares to speak to you about the children so follow that. If and when she starts to reach out to you, you can change your strategy a bit but for now keep it VERY vague and let her wonder what you are up to both personally and legally. It wouldn't hurt her to think you are wanting "paper trails" about custody to perhaps plant the seed that you are in the process of getting the legal ball rolling.
I can guarantee you she won't like this and will start acting very bitchy but tough. She said kid talk only so you will follow that to a "T". She will not like that doesn't get to know everything and what you are up to. If she happens to ask if you have any legal plans I would simple tell her that yes, you have been exploring options from a legal standpoint and when you have something to discuss with her about finalizing the divorce you will let her know. But don't say ANY of that unless she brings it up first.
Yes, I see where I went wrong in our IM conversation now. Thanks CG.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't know why, but the first thing I thought about after reading this was the girl at the bar (and the guys supposedly hitting on her)....Maybe they were all in cahoots?
A very reasonable thought. But I was with that girl Sunday night. I had my card Monday morning as I used it. Monday evening it must have fallen out of my pocket as I didn't put it back in my wallet. Tuesday morning I got a call from the bank saying someone tried to make large withdrawals, but they were declined. But my account is fine. A new card is on the way.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You didn't go "wrong" you just offered too much info. Keep pulling back when it comes to personal chatter, the more you do that the more she will wonder.
IMO if your child is sick when your W has her it is perfectly appropriate to IM/text for an update on how your sick child is doing. But that is ALL you should be discussing. If your W asks anything else or even tries to slip in any tiny bit of chit chat kindly say "thanks for the update on daughter, gotta run!"
The WAS likes to make the rules - in this case she will only speak to you about the kids. So follow the rules she dictated and let her wallow in that for a while. Its really the only way to "train" a WAS that they can't have both. The less she knows about your life the better.
And, just to shake her up a bit when you do get the new custody proposal she is sending you I would send it back and make it *very* official looking with both of your full names, the full names of the children, the date in which the agreement was sent and when this particular agreement will expire and a new agreement will be negotiated. She wants it all about business then make it ALL about business and treat this as you would a formal business proposal. I would also electronically initial it and ask her to do the same and return the initialed document to you within x days.
Also, this is sort of a random suggestion but I would start thinking about what kind of tradition you can start with your kids for YOU and YOUR KIDS ONLY this Christmas. It doesn't have to be about money or tons of gifts. Make it something special that you and your children can do each year that doesn't involve your W or anybody else but you and your kids. And don't tell your W about it either as this has nothing to do with her.
wife - hey, whats up. kevin - hey wife - blah, blah, blah wife - you there. kevin - hey, whats up. wife - blah, blah, blah kevin - oh. kevin - I'm sorry. but can we talk later? it confusing trying to chat with 3 people at once. I am trying to make plans for later. I'll call you OK?
