Thanks Tristan for the encouragement. I did purchase DR and CNM today. I read about half of CNM already. I am trying very hard to give her space. Feels strange she is across the hall asleep in our bedroom while I am in here in the guest bedroom without her again.
Tonight when she came home I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. I told her I was thinking about going to the Subway and asked if she would like me to bring her back a sandwich too. She told me what she wanted and I said no problem.
I came back from subway and we sat in the living room and watched some tv. I asked her how her day went and she started talking a lot about work and how thing are going with some new software they are training her office to use. I just sat there and enjoyed listening to her talk about her day. I avoided any R talk because she seemed to be loosening up to me talking about her work.
I asked her if she had any plans for the weekend and she said she wasn't sure yet but one of her gf's asked her to hang out with her one night this weekend. I made a joke and told her I was free this weekend. She knew what I meant I guess because she said she would think about it and is taking it one day at a time.
We are both big Washington Redskins fans and she asked me what I thought about the coaching situation with the Skins and we talked about that a little, then I asked her if she is watching the game on Sunday and she said yes. I didn't push it but I hope that meant she is watching it at home with me like we always do except for last Sunday).
Around 9:30 she asked if I would let the dogs out because it was raining and she did not have her shoes on. I took them out to do their business and then came back in and she said she was going upstairs to go to bed. Here is where I screwed up. I held my arms out and asked if I could at least have a hug goodnight. She only put her hands on my sides and not all the way around me like she usually does. I held her tightly and told her I love her so much (her hair smelled so good). She told me I was pressuring her and to stop. I told her I was sorry and let her go upstairs to bed.
I have no idea what the weekend will be like. I think she will definitely go out with her gf one night (probably to dinner or a happy hour or something). Maybe one night she will consider going to dinner with me and hopefully we can watch the game together on Sunday. I hope I am not getting my hopes up to high.
I know you are trying, and kudos to you for that. That hug thing .... (shakes head) .... you are going to *have* to discipline yourself out of doing things like that.
1. Hello, it's pressure. You asked for something intimate that she didn't freely offer. She shouldn't have had to tell you that.
2. It's needy. Speaking as a woman, for 9 out of 10 of us, that is a big-time turnoff.
And listen to yourself, man. You say you want her to be happy. But most of this post is about what YOU want from HER. A hug, her company. It's not wrong to want those things, but you need to be clear. Right now, you are pursuing *what you want* emotionally FROM HER. Not what she wants for herself. Not what you want to generate in your own life as an independent man. Is it any wonder she feels pursued and pressured?
Try this. Just for tomorrow. Treat her as you would a co-worker that you had a good, friendly working relationship with. Respect the same personal boundaries you would in that situation (no touching, no pursuit for personal time, just friendly conversation and banter about subjects of mutual interest.) Try it.
Don't get discouraged. You are trying to make some major changes in the way you approach your relationship, and it will take time.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Hope I didn't scare you off, LHSM .... how are things today?
Actually I am sort of shying away from this message board. Reading some of the other threads I feel there are way too many negative ppl here.
I had a pretty decent day. My wife came home from work and I made her dinner and had a glass of wine with her. We did not talk about too much and she made it clear that she is still upset with me.
I told her I am going to schedule a counseling appt next week for myself but do not expect her to go with me unless she feels the need to. She almost started crying and said, "Why didn't you do all of this stuff for the past 7 years?" I told her I was sorry and I will continue to work on myself and fight for our marriage.
Before she went upstairs to go to bed, she came over and reached down and hugged my neck and said goodnight. To me that seems like progress, even if I am still in the guestroom.
I'm sorry you are getting a bad experience on here. There are people on here that are hurt and are hurting just like you. We can see things you don't see because we have "been there" and are looking now with hindsight. I've found that you have to really listen to what people say, even if you don't agree, realllly ponder it, and then ultimately only you know your situation and only you can know what to do.
You said you saw Fireproof. That is an amazing movie. I watch clips on Youtube off and on to remind me of some things. Have you considered Retrouvaille? My H and I went there and it was a turning point for us. Google "retrouvaille" and you will find info. on it.
LHSM, Watch your self-talk. You go from everthing making perfect sense to I cannot make a mistake. Avoid the permanent thinking and absolute thinking - everything ,always, never, all the time, must, etc. Start thinking of solutions and then plan.
Quote:
she made it clear that she is still upset with me.
Feelings are good, means she is still interested.
Quote:
"Why didn't you do all of this stuff for the past 7 years?"
She's watching you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I hope it's going well LHSM. I feel a little similar to you on the negativity but understand why it is there. Everyone here is in alot of pain and sometimes project on to others. You need to sort of sift through everything to find the nuggets. It's also hard for people to give accurate advice sometimes I think based on a couple of paragraphs when they don't know the people involved.
It sounds (as you mentioned in my thread) that we are in somewhat similar situations. I am trying to just act like the new me now and not pressure her. It's really all I can do. I am being watched just like you....stay strong brother.
Me: 30 W: 29 D: 20 months M: 5 years T: 6.5 years ILYBNILWY and want to separate: 10/5/2009
I just wanted to post that my separation had a happy ending. My wife and I got back together this past weekend. I did eventually go from living in separate bedrooms to moving to a friends house. After that, she started missing me and realized that I had changed and my change was for real. I was doing the book, "The Love Dare" and she did see the changes in me while I was doing that book. Once I was gone I think she realized she really missed me and had love in her heart for me.
This past Saturday she asked me to come home and it has been a honeymoon since then. We are moving forward with some important changes in our marraige.
I feel like a piano has been lifted off my back and I am excited to go through the journey of our new marriage together!
This past Saturday she asked me to come home and it has been a honeymoon since then. We are moving forward with some important changes in our marraige.
Congratulations!
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope never to see you here again.
(Actually, any insight on what you did in your process that helped things along might be helpful, for those of us who are still fighting that fight...)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
