I really need some support. I am at the end of my rope, and I feel like I'm going to do something rash. If you look back a bit in this thread, my W and I last talked a few weeks ago, and I told her I was at a fork in the road. She said she likes how I've changed, and she likes how we are now, but that she doesn't trust it yet and needs more time. I told her I could understand that, but I wouldn't live in some crazy open marriage, as we had just delayed our legal separation under the assumption that our M still had hope. She is now stalling big time. Granted, we were all very sick for the last couple weeks, and only now are we back in good health.
On Halloween, I was being quite distant regarding my plans for trick or treating with the kids, and she called me on it. She said she knows when something is bothering me. I said it's a lot bigger than our plans for Halloween. She said she knows, and that she appreciated my patience while she was sick, and that we need to talk, but then she started stalling more, saying that I shouldn't deal with it when I'm still sick, and that then I won't want to deal with it before my marathon, etc, etc, etc. I said I'm fine and I don't care about any of that.
I'm patiently waiting for her to initiate a R talk, as I don't think I should extend myself to do so. Her demeanor and body language toward me is very positive, so why won't she talk? She is reaching out to me in some ways, asking me about my life, being supportive about the marathon, very complimentary toward me. My son's basketball team I'm coaching is doing awesome, and she said "H, you are a great coach." She says she is so proud of me training for the marathon, and she wishes it was closer so she could go and bring the kids to watch. Each time we part, she makes sure to give a little special connection with the goodbye, and initiates physical contact, i.e. hand on my arm, playfully pushing my shoulder, etc. WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON????
I am keeping my distance, and actually blowing her off. I can't take it any more. I've got nothing left. Something inside of me just refuses to bring up the R talk. From where I sit, her refusal to bring it up says everything I need to know. She hasn't broken it off with OM and she doesn't want to. At this point I want to just assume she's straight out telling me that, and I'm acting accordingly. I'm distancing myself, and I want to initiate D proceedings. Does she really think I'd tolerate her behavior forever? Maybe so, since I've never really called her on it before.
Once again, I'm stuck between DBing my WAW, and dealing with a wayward wife. I think it's about time I treated her according to her behavior. I went to a party last night thrown by a woman who, if I had to guess, I would say is interested in me. There are better options out there. Why don't I just leave my screwed up W and M behind and find something new?
Well future, its nice to see you! maybe not like this, though... I guess that you are in a place to hear this again, antlers said it on here a few pages ago-
"there's a lot to be said for letting her know you respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you."
I think that maybe you should read up on the LRT. Im sorry that things seem to have gotten a little tougher, but it will get better.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Why don't I just leave my screwed up W and M behind and find something new?
Because you still care about your "screwed up W and M" ! And you still care about your family. You are doing good man! Keep it up...if you can. Only you know for sure how long you can keep doing it. If you give it all you've got, for as long as you possibly can...then you will know for certain that you did everything in your power to keep your marriage and your family intact. If it winds up that you are reconciled...then great. If it winds up otherwise...you will know that you fought for something that you believed in...and somebody else ended it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks for being here. I was a wreck last night. Still am today as well. I do need to be ready to let it all go, and admit that my W, while not wanting to lose me, will not recommit to me and our M.
But... I also have to appreciate how far I've come. One of the rules of DBing is to carefully think out every move. As so many here have said over and over, she will not decide to come back to me until she feels my loss. I think I'm almost there. I have so little left inside me at this point. It's been over a year since the bomb. As she's getting closer to me, I'm going away more and more. I am exhausted by the game of it all. I want a real R where I get something back other than confusion and heartache. There are so many nice people out there.
I think I'm detaching more, and that's good. For me, detaching and throwing in the towel seem to tied together though. I've been in limbo for so long now, I don't want it any more. Life is too short.
I realized after all of my own personal growth that once I saw my H, and realized that he was still the exact same person that he was when he left that thats not what I wanted anymore. I want to be the center of someones attention, not second to a career, or their freinds and he couldnt do that for me anymore.
I hope that you are feeling better. I agree with antlers, if you want to keep going, then keep going, but you have given this an amazing effort, and at some point You have to decide when you are done. Either way, we are here for you.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I've finally come to realize I need a BIG change of direction. I have squandered so many opportunities. I very well could be reconciling right now had I been smarter and stronger. I'm trying not to beat myself up, as I know I've done some things right, but I also want to STOP doing what doesn't work, and see if I can finally turn this thing around.
A recent post from Puppy on another thread hit me right between the eyes. I've been getting nothing but crumbs from my W. So she's nice to me, BIG DEAL! The fact that she's having an A with OM trumps all our nice little day to day interactions by a wide margin.
The frustrating thing is, I'm starting to see that my W WANTS to reconcile! I'm just not giving her enough reason to! Here is what she has said to me:
I still love you.
For the first six months I thought I could do this, but now I barely make it through day to day.
If we were to reconcile, we should probably sell our house and buy a new one to start over.
I love to witness how great a father you are.
There is definitely a connection between us.
I can see you're different, I just need more time to trust it.
When asked straight out "Do you want a divorce?" her answer was "I don't know." Is this a good thing?
How many men here would love to hear such things from their WAW? However, she has also said this:
I still feel pressure from you. She is telling me to BACK OFF! She wants to be the one to pursue. She is TELLING me how to DB!
There is an emptiness inside me where feelings for you should be, and I don't know if that will ever change. I think this is lack of fundamental respect because I haven't really called her on her crap behavior. Given how I failed in my M in so many ways, I didn't feel I had the right to. I now believe I was wrong in that belief. Is it too late?
I can't regret my R with OM. She doesn't think we can ever be right again because of this. I need to somehow let her know we could get through this without appearing weak and needy and desperate, i.e. "I don't care what you did, I'll forgive anything if you'll just come back to me." Blech! I think a good approach might be to ask her if she'd rather see our marriage destroyed and our children suffer or find the courage to make herself vulnerable to me again and trust that I won't hold her actions over her.
I can't see spending the rest of my life with you. When she said this it had the "vibe" of some last wisps of fog in her mind. I'm not ignoring it though, I'm trying to listen to her and hear what she's really saying. I think what she means is "I'm worried that I'll have to give up too much of what I want in order to be your wife."
When asked straight out "Do you want a divorce?" her answer was "I don't know." Is this a bad thing?
I'm really just thinking out loud here. I'd welcome any comments or suggestions.
[*]There is an emptiness inside me where feelings for you should be, and I don't know if that will ever change. I think this is lack of fundamental respect because I haven't really called her on her crap behavior.
Possibly. But I also take it emphatically as "And you WILL never fill that emptiness inside of you where feelings for me are supposed to be, as long as you are in contact with another man who's not your husband."
This is a classic chicken-and-the-egg about infidelity, Future. It's basically "I can't give up OM because I don't have feelings for you, my husband", and the reason she can't get those feelings back with you, her husband, is because she hasn't given up OM! Any good MC worth their salt will try to get a wayward spouse to end all contact with OM/OW, as the thing to do FOR THEMSELVES, while they try to decide about their marriage. Because so long as their brain is chemically affected by their contacts with the OM/OW, they cannot possibly make good, dispassionate decisions for themselves.
We talk about "cake-eating" a lot around here, but I prefer the analogy of "plate-spinning" more. Remember that guy that used to come out on the old Ed Sullivan Show, or on Bozo's Circus? And he'd keep all those plates spinning on those sticks?
This is what waywards do, especially wayward women. She wants to keep her FutureUnknown plate spinning, just enough, while she works at spinning her OM plate. And she goes back and forth between the two.
Refresh my memory, how long have you been at this again??
This is a classic chicken-and-the-egg about infidelity, Future. It's basically "I can't give up OM because I don't have feelings for you, my husband", and the reason she can't get those feelings back with you, her husband, is because she hasn't given up OM! Any good MC worth their salt will try to get a wayward spouse to end all contact with OM/OW, as the thing to do FOR THEMSELVES, while they try to decide about their marriage. Because so long as their brain is chemically affected by their contacts with the OM/OW, they cannot possibly make good, dispassionate decisions for themselves.
That exact thing has occurred to me as well. However, she's been telling me her feelings for me are mostly gone for a several years now, long before her A started with OM. However, I still think it was due to lack of respect, because as our M started to fall apart, I acted very weak and needy, which drove her even further away, and eroded her respect for me. At this point though, I think her respect for me is much restored, so I agree, she'll never be able to know what she feels for me unless she gives up OM. She knows this, she is a MC! She just doesn't want to do it.
The plate spinning analogy is right on.
My W started her EA a year and a half ago, she dropped the bomb on me a little over a year ago, we've been separated for ten months, and her EA became a PA about nine months ago. She has travelled to see OM three times, although the last time was very weird, she texted and called me and the kids all the time, emotional and crying. When she got back, she started saying the things I listed above. I didn't bite too much though, and I started pushing for legal separation. That pulled her back toward me even more as she faced the reality of losing me for good. Unfortunately I got suckered in, and let her get the upper hand again.
This is a classic chicken-and-the-egg about infidelity, Future. It's basically "I can't give up OM because I don't have feelings for you, my husband", and the reason she can't get those feelings back with you, her husband, is because she hasn't given up OM! Any good MC worth their salt will try to get a wayward spouse to end all contact with OM/OW, as the thing to do FOR THEMSELVES, while they try to decide about their marriage. Because so long as their brain is chemically affected by their contacts with the OM/OW, they cannot possibly make good, dispassionate decisions for themselves.
That exact thing has occurred to me as well. However, she's been telling me her feelings for me are mostly gone for a several years now, long before her A started with OM.
Did she ever express those grave concerns to you at the time? Or did this little gem only come out recently, after she started her affair?
