This is the attitude you have to adopt in order to survive, otherwise you are right- you are going to drive yourself crazy wondering/worrying about what your H is doing.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Dealing with my panic attacks over him being gone by realizing my emotions and actions are about me, and probably more about my early family issues, and his emotions and actions are about him. It saves me from the anxiety of feeling rejected, not good enough, etc. If I imagine him leaving is about him and his issues, instead of the fact that I'm such a horrible person who ruined everything, I feel better. Who knows what the truth is, but I have to keep out of depression. I get pulled way down and I'm trying very hard to keep my head sane!
At least when S5 was crying because he missed daddy, H called right back when I asked him to talk to S on the phone. That's the minimum I can expect.
so, working on the 180s - just not freaking out over any of H's actions. Staying dark with the exception of coordinating over S.
The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I feel proud when I pull myself out of it.
"As if", although I know I'm fooling myself so it's difficult, also helps. I don't come at H in attack mode when I can think "as if".
I am really sorry for your struggle. But, please understand NO ONE is perfect and that the breakdown in a M is never ONE person's fault.
What do YOU think of YOU? To he!! with what H says/thinks. You know he is not thinking well right now. Are you comfortable with you? If so, what does it matter what H thinks. If not, what's it going to take to get you comfortable with you?
I guess you're right, I don't like much of me right now. I don't have a good idea how I'm going to support myself when the alminony runs out, I'm pretty depressed, and I know what my problems in my M were. Need to work on self esteem.
I know I'm a good mom - and have a good sense of humor, I"m smart, kind. BEsides that I feel like a loser and need to work on that. It is really hard to face rejection from the person who vowed to love me forever.
Just a friendly suggestion I hope does not come across as preachy but from a place of concern and understanding. If you are feeling anxiety (which is normal in these type of life altering situations) that is beyond the expected anxiety one might feel, PLEASE see a dr and counselor.
I only gently urge you to do this because after 21 months of nonsense from my WAS my anxiety was so deep I could no longer function, leave my house or even operate as a normal human being. I *thought* I was doing a good job hiding it and I was coping with my anxiety I was just doing so in a very unhealthy way. Eventually it got so bad I was hospitalized and diagnosed with a situational panic disorder.
Meds are not "magic pills" but they do help remove the physical burdens of anxiety so YOU can do the emotional work without feeling like your heart is going to blow out of your chest from anxiety.
I was terrified after being in the hospital and going to the psych for the 1st time had me shaking in my boots. When I walked in the office the first thing I noticed was a HUGE sign that read "if you walked in this door for help you are strong".
It is not easy to take that first step and in my case I didn't. My mother had watched me decline to such a state she showed up at my house and gave me 2 options.... (A) she would take me to my dr. at once or (B) she would be taking me to the hospital. I did not fight her, I knew she was right.
Meds are not "magic pills" but they do help remove the physical burdens of anxiety so YOU can do the emotional work without feeling like your heart is going to blow out of your chest from anxiety.
I was terrified after being in the hospital and going to the psych for the 1st time had me shaking in my boots. When I walked in the office the first thing I noticed was a HUGE sign that read "if you walked in this door for help you are strong".
I agree totally.
Do not be afraid to seek professional help, especially with strong feelings of depression of anxiety. I feel confident in saying that I, and my relationship, would not be where they are today if I haven't gotten on anti-anxiety medication.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Ok, people, I hear you. I need to do this. I had good success talking with a specialist in trauma on Friday -= so that takes care of the counselling part - i will continue to see her was able to care for myself much better after that. As for the meds, it's something I"ve put off doing, but I also put off talking to the counsellor and am sooooooo glad I did. I'll make a dr. app. this week. If I have help controlling the physical symptoms, that would be huge. I've got all those shaky and jumpy and dizzy feelings, and in addition, I can hardly eat. Having a healthier body will help my mind.
I must say that once I started taking care of me this weekend, H responded with much more openness. It really is the key, either way, no matter what the spouse does. It's like everyone has always told me, but I'm finally beginning to experience it.
I've been really focussing on my own life, on myself. Working on taking care of my own feelings and pulling back from H. I 'm seeing positive results. The calmer I am and the less I react with fear and anger to my H, the more calm and positive he has been as well.
Sunday morning i emailed him decided to put positive appreciation into the plan. I thanked him for being fair on our marital separation agreement, and for talking and comprimising about the weekend care schedule for our S. (H has been just showing up without making plans).
He responded by saying he noticed how reasonable I've been and even more so than he has been at times.This was a big step. Usually he is frustrated at "my freaking out" (even though as you may know from my thread H has anger problems). I demonstrated my calm and he noticed and responded well. Recently he has stopped insistence that I am out of the house when he is here.
