Another waw/mlc and I need support

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I told her that I wanted to try to make things work between us and that we've never really tried to work on us together...

Boom...boom...booom...boom...boom...BOOM!
You ever see a guy get shot down in a bar?
That was the noise the flak makes, and then the flat hand shakes as you lower it swiftly to the ground in a dead stick glide, and then you make the bruing sounds.

cccrssssksskkssk! BOOOM!

How did that go?

she is accusing me of filling their heads with hatred for her.

We fear in others what we see and fear the most in ourselves.

[cyclone]

Thanks for the dose of reality Jack.

I suppose I need to learn to just accept what she is saying, that she tried and all, and not respond in anyway with what I think. I forget that she doesn't care what I think right now. So a major backslide. Time will tell if it makes her move forward with things or not.

She wants to have the kids for Thanksgiving. I told her that would be fine. She also wants me to go visit my parents. That is not something I feel comfortable doing right now. I was planning on taking the week off and relaxing from the stresses of my paying job. I'll make sure to spend plenty of time outside of the house, but I won't let her choose where and when I take a "vacation".

[cyclone]

More journaling:

I took the kids to Disneyland this weekend. There were a few pity party moments, but I successfully recovered quickly. The kids and I had a blast; hard not to at "The happiest place on earth". I was really able to get in touch with the 10 year old in me. I see now that I need to do that way more often. Life has become too serious with all of its responsibilities and there is no reason to not step back to see the joy in everything.

W called for the kids a lot during the weekend. I didn't pick up the phone every time because we were having fun and I didn't feel like walking around the park with a phone to my ear. She really had a tough time with them being away this time, but it was only Friday through Sunday. Funny how just a couple of months ago she was leaving every weekend (sometimes Thurs - Tues) and didn't seem to miss the kids as much then. Doesn't she realize that this is what a D will be like all the time? Silly question...of course she doesn't.

The kids and I had a great weekend. There wasn't a single moment that was bad. Even the 6h car trip there and back was great!

[cyclone]

More stuff to figure out. I am having an ok time detaching from W but dealing with the kids still is the hardest part. I am trying my best to be a firm but fair dad. I set boundaries that make sense and are fair but W removes the boundaries to make the kids not hate her.

I am the only one that pushes them to get their homework done, music practice, and bedtime routine. We were doing great when W was out of the house. Now that she is back she is constantly eroding those routines and boundaries and then trying to draw me into a fight over their consequences.

Last night was a good example:

I came home from work to find the three of them watching a movie. It was almost 6 and they had not had dinner. W had gone grocery shoppping (I let her know I appreciated her for doing that) and there were grocery bags all over the kitchen floor. I didn't let the mess bother me and started to make some dinner. She had boiled a few ears of corn. I made a chicken and rice dish. After the movie the kids and I sat down to have our dinner, she retreated to her bedroom to talk on the phone.

About 30 minutes later she comes out and raises her voice at me to tell me that if the kids want to have the lights on in the hallway that is ok and I shouldn't tell them that they have to have the lights off. Just a few months ago, she used to get upset if there was a crack of light from the hallway showing underneath the door of our bedroom. we both used to feel that its hard to get a good sound sleep when the lights are on. We used to be on the same page. Now she yells at me in front of the kids that she is on their side now.

She then said she needed to go the room she's rented for the evening to get away from everything and have peace. Left me with another difficult evening with the kids. They feel like they get to set when bedtime is and when I told them that they needed to be in bed by 9 the oldest said he was going to call mom to get me in trouble. I diffused the situation by giving him a big hug and talked about growing pains and testing limits. The evening turned out ok but I don't know if I am doing the right thing.

She came back sometime in the middle of the night and woke me up at 6 to ask if I would leave for work early so she could spend time with the kids alone. I agreed and got dressed and left. Just a few moments ago I got a call from her saying that the kids aren't behaving the way she wants them to. They just want to play on the Wii and won't get dressed to go out. She said that I need to come home as soon as I can so she can leave. I told her that I would be home at the normal time I get home from work and that I had confidence that she could handle parenting them. She said she would just hire a babysitter to watch them for the day. I replied that I trust her decision but if she chooses the babysitter to please take care of paying him/her.

Any better way of handling this?

[cyclone]

Had to have thick skin last night. Got home from work and made the kids dinner. W was watching tv the whole time. All seemed to be fine. As I was making dinner she mentions that she would like me to watch the kids Friday night so she can go to some Green event. I told her that would be fine; I also asked if she could watch the kids Sat night or should I get a babysitter because I wanted to go out. She asked where I would be going and I told her just "out".

As I was cleaning up the kitchen, W tells the kids they need to go do their homework and get ready for bed. Being 7 and 9, they don't listen right away. She gets a bit frustrated and looks at me and says, "See, this never happens when you aren't here. They listen when it's just me. This is another reason why we can't be together." I replied simply, "I understand that you are frustrated and I'm sorry you feel that way." She then says "And now I am just eating because of this. I don't do this when you aren't around." Again "sorry you feel that way"

I let her words roll of me and told the kids I had to get going to band rehearsal. Told them goodnight and left.

The tough part of all of this is that she really believes that I am the source of her pain and will probably file for D because she thinks it will make her happy. Detaching is tough - not there yet but getting closer each day.

Where is everyone. A few words of encouragement would be nice!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Fridays are pretty dead around here...mostly.

She might she might not, she could have eggs for breakfast tomorrow. You don't know.

Is it true about the kids?

The whole eating thing? Heh, yeah...no willpower that's your fault.

Deattaching is tough, but you seem to be doing it well. How did rehersal go? What type of music do you play?

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Cyclone,

Its always a bit quiet over the weekend, so I thought I'd just say hi, thought I'd spend the quiet time popping in on a few new folks!

[Lostforwords]

Cyclone,

Hello and you are doing well. Keep those plans for the weekend even if it means that she has to stay home with them. You will need the breaks as much as possible through out this, because you are in for a long ride.

P.S. Something sounds fishy to me about Thanksgiving...I definitely wouldn't go on "vacation" somewhere else. It sounds like there is a fox in the chicken coup and this is an introduction setup.

[cyclone]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's been a while since I've heard from anyone.

Rehearsal was good last night. We play mostly classical music - things like Noght on Bald Mountain. I've only been playing bassoon for a couple of years. Needless to say I've had a bit more time to practice than in the past. It's a great distraction. I wish the rehearsals were more than one night a week.

I thought the lies W were spewing last night to be pretty humorous. Made all the more so by her actions today. She said last night she would watch the kids tomorrow while I went out and today on the phone she said that she would only watch them if I couldn't get a "good" sitter. I told her not to worry about it. I will arrange for a sitter. She's still running. So much for spending time alone with the kids with me not around!

I also though the thanksgiving request sounded a bit fishy. That would be a big step over the line to bring an OM around the kids at this point. I have to admit that is part of the reason that I am not going to go anywhere. I think the kids should be protected from that confusion. This is tough enough as it is on them.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Stop by if you get a chance. It's our last soccer game then I get free weekends to do fun stuff with the kids.

[cyclone]

We seem to be in a better place the past couple of days. Had a great time with the kids on the weekend. S7's last soccer game on saturday. W shows up and doesn't say anything to me until after the game. My assistant coaches wife asks me if I want to join their family for lunch. W asked what we are doing and is also invited. She joins us and we have a great time together. No expectations. She took off later in the day to spend the night at the room she rents.

Sunday the two boys and I went on a bike ride to a nearby lake to do some fishing. Later in the day W meets us for S7's music recital. Afterward we decided to go to benihana for dinner. Again a nice time together. I had a great time. She left the table a few times bit overall it was great to be together as a family.

Today we spent a lot of time together around dinner. After dinner she asked me what we were going to do about thanksgiving. Last week she said she wanted to take the boys so I haven't made any plans. She now wants to do what is best for the kids. I don't know what that means go her but it doesn't sound like she thinks it means taking them someplace or have me go someplace and keeping them in the house. No expectations.

Later in the evening she made a few remarks about my taking baths in the evening to relax and having the fireplace on. She said that these are things that she does and finds it funny that I'm now doing them too. I should have just said I'm sorry you see it that way but my guard was down and I said that I've been taking baths in the evening since august (bomb drop) and the house has been cold at night but she doesn't liketk have the furnace on.

Tomorrow is a new day. No need to beat myself up about the little backslide.