I am further along this process than you. I know my H never actually left, but he did have the A for 18 months and it wasn't good. The healing process goes in cycles from what I have experienced and what I have seen from others. Even to the extent when we wonder sometimes if we should have fought so hard. That's quite normal. Ride out the storm and hang in there. It will get better.
Dates that have stuck in your mind will hurt....and the anniversary of them may hurt for some time. Last time my H was away with OW was on my youngest D's birthday. Birthdays have always been such special occasions in our house and I was pissed enough that H was away on 'business'. To think he was doing what else he was doing drives me insane. Even now, years down the line, when my D gets excited about her birthday and talks about what she wants, I just feel sick.
You have to just weigh up whether it is worth the hurt. I think it is, and I think you do too; it WILL get better. There is always a honeymoon period when you first get back together....and then there is the slog of really mending what was broken. As long as you know why it fell apart - and that you are in a different place now and can cope with the important issues - you will be fine.
((((HUGS))))) for this hard anniversary of bad memories. Write down your bad thoughts, stick them on a large firework rocket, and fire them into the sky, ( hoping the burnt out stick falls on Helen - lol).
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks girls, thankyou! Its hard, but usually its great. It still goes in waves, except now they are far apart and more like a ripple. He was so good last night at the fireworks. He held me tightly and kissed me alot, said he was excited to be there and happier than last year.. because he was with ME this year.
I agreed with something Kalni said. My bf is a good man, loyal, family orientated, good with money, never been a womaniser or flirted or eyed up a woman in front of me, lots of integrity. His behaviour was not 'normal', VERY out of character which is why all our friends and family never stopped rooting for us.
When we talk now, its only for 2 minutes, he doesnt want to talk anymore. I agree he went through hell and had a breakdown. But I've been SOOO supportive and forgiving and let so much go, just occasionally..I feel like "what about me??" What about talking about things I want to talk about? He said last night I should, of course express whatever I want to feel to him, but it STILL makes him feel so bad and awful for how he treated me. So 6 months on he is still dealing with guilt over it. One thing I never got to the bottom of, was his interest in her before he left me. Like K, that bothers me most. He said this week, the secret calls on his mobile Sept-Oct 07 were "oh probably just because she called to see how my wrist was". But thats a lie, because it was him calling her on the call log. But yep, another thing to just consign to the past.
Its probably just because HE has let go, moved on, more than a lie. We did get our honeymoon period, he never had any further contact with her, she is zero threat and I am the one that gets to have birthdays, bonfire night, christmas etc (thats another big first, he was away skiing with her last Christmas Day!) and also, like Jack says.. our R is better now than it was before and I am truly grateful that he left me.
So in answer to your question Saffie.. yes...this morning, he made us tea, let the cat in, got back into bed, pullied me to him, arms circling me, head on his shoulder, the cat jumped on top of us purring.. and thats it right there. THAT makes it all worthwhile, a thousand fold.
So in answer to your question Saffie.. yes...this morning, he made us tea, let the cat in, got back into bed, pullied me to him, arms circling me, head on his shoulder, the cat jumped on top of us purring.. and thats it right there. THAT makes it all worthwhile, a thousand fold.
Sigh, I'm so happy for you Ali I know things aren't always easy and the past rears it's ugly head but above is just wonderful to hear!
Hey guys.. Julia, I knew you would get that scenario and K, I had a feeling you would think, thats how it SHOULD be. I'm sorry, I read your posts on H and I am at a loss...
So I read all your posts and felt determined to just 'let it go...' then last night we were wathching a film and I unfortunately just started crying! I blurted out alot of stuff, how I used to cry driving home after EVERY time I saw him last year, how I recorded his voice on a dictaphone when he called me, just so I could hear his voice when I went to sleep, how I said goodnight every single day in my head, never got over him or stopped missing him etc etc.. he was holding me, when I stopped and looked up, he was crying more than me!!
He said some interesting things. One was that he feels he is "a horrible person" for what he put me through. Of course he isnt and I do recognise this is bad for him to hear. I explained I wasnt trying to hurt, or blame him and that I saw it all in the context of him being not well. Today he turned to me and said.. I love you.. you are my woman, my 'Mrs'. I said, but I'm not quite..he said, well you are to me, I regard you as my wife.
Shame he couldnt back that up with a damn M proposal, but hey ho !!
..so he told me that he realised very early on in their R that it wasnt right with Helen, but he DIDNT WANT TO HAVE TO ADMIT HE WAS WRONG, ot he couldnt admit he had got it wrong.. so stayed with her (for 8 months!). He said, yuo know how I hate to be in the wrong and look foolish. He said, he was being weak at that time and not rational and a "yes man". Once he had embarked on it, it was already too late and he admitted he did find her attractive and they flirted or "had some laughs", but only last summer, not before. Since he volunteered more details, I feel a little depressed about it. Its just hard to imagine, him being intimate with another woman, but like Jack3B says, it IS an R, even if its not a lasting one.
I was also right about a couple of things.. she WAS in a long term R, of a few years. I asked him if she broke up with that guy to be with him and he admitted, yes, I guess. Her bf wanted to move in with her, but she said no because it "freaked her out". She must have really loved my bf because she was trying to get him to move into a house she was buying. He again defended her, saying, I know what others thought of her and said, but she was a nice person, not a bad person and it wasnt her fault, it just wasnt right with her, she wasnt you.. I said I felt sorry for her, for losing him. He agreed, he felt sorry for her too, but because "she got caught up in a car crash 2 years of my life" and that wasnt fair on her.
He also said that last summer (when he had me on a plate and could've come back) that he DID find me attractive.. and that she wasnt AS attractive as me. I asked if he was more intelligent, he snorted, No! More fun? Again, no. Funnier? Definetly not!! So.. why did you choose her other me !? He said, are you asking me to answer how come I didnt make good, rational decisions at that time?? He was unable to. He also said again, it was new, different, that he wanted our breakup to make sense.
K.. if you are reading this, people (especially men, ha!) can act in the most perverse ways. I wouldnt assume ow was a great love as you put it. Helen certainly wasnt and he risked losing me for her.
K.. if you are reading this, people (especially men, ha!) can act in the most perverse ways. I wouldnt assume ow was a great love as you put it. Helen certainly wasnt and he risked losing me for her.
I would second that. That was exactly my experience too. It's what a lot of thers have said on the past about their sitch's also.
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Its just hard to imagine, him being intimate with another woman, but like Jack3B says, it IS an R, even if its not a lasting one.
Ditto that as well. You have to give yourself a lot of space to grieve for that loss of exclusivety and for that change. You shouldn't gloss over it, nor should you let it eat into your soul so it ruins what you have now. You are doing so well at afcing your demons and moving on. IMO NOT dealing with these issues and sweeping them under the metophorical carpet is dangerous. You sound in a good place.....even if it hurts to deal with this stuff.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I know things aren't always easy and the past rears it's ugly head but above is just wonderful to hear!
