Not sure if you remember, but I went through much the same 12 years ago. Mine went to a trial, yes trial, when X was acting much like yours. I felt I was pushed into a corner and had no recourse.
Much the same, GAL (guardien ad litem) turned out to be totally on X's side. I was portrayed very badly etc. etc. I decided though, I was standing my ground and not asking for anymore than I would have agreed to. My integrity was at stake and I would not go against that even if it meant losing.
The outcome was and is everything I was willing to agree upon. She is custodial parent because she has slightly more time. That really means nothing as far as parenting goes. The judge saw through her shenanigans and admonished her and her attorney for being vindictive. You see, being a parent in situations like this means accepting you may lose but doing the best you can for your children. I never did bad mouth X in court or in front of kids, in fact, I told the court how I only wanted to be a father and parent. How could I possibly do that effectively with very limited contact?
There are many different alternatives and the courts tend to see right through adult squabbles. Stand your ground where applicable and bend where it really isn't that important. They grow up quick and will come to there own conclusions! Both my boys understand there mothers in a different reality than most.
Nuff said...
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Once again Frank YOU have to be the one to take the high road and yet stand as a man and father for what is right and proper.
You've done it over and over throughout this process. You've learned what it means to take responsibility for what is yours and to refuse to accept what is not.
Your STBX's words and actions are stunning, hurtful, and inexplicable given how your situation has unfolded. But don't allow the shock value of the forces she is attempting to rally against you to cause you to become something you are not.
You are a committed and loving father to two amazing children. You are a skilled and compassionate physician who makes a difference in the lives of your patients. You are a trusted and valued friend who time and time again has come to the aid of those who needed you.
You do not have to become "like her" to take the reigns in this divorce matter. You don't have to become an ass or a hateful person to stand up and say, "I love my children and insist that I continue to have an active and vital role in their lives on a regular basis."
Lead the way Frank. And make sure your lawyer is following YOUR wishes to a T. Stop responding, and have your lawyer stop responding to your STBX's legal nonsense except where absolutely necessary. Accept that this will go to trial and take this time to prepare thoroughly with your lawyer so that when that day comes, YOU are the calm, collected, reasonable, rational spouse in that room.
Stop fearing the worst, start preparing for the new life to come.
One thing that I have taken from my experience is that we spend FAR too much time and effort responding to and worrying about the outrageous, when rarely does the outrageous come to pass.
Still here. And sorry again that we continually miss each other on the phone. If you can find a way to get your number to me, I would be glad to call you sometime. Perhaps a text or a message on fb.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Drew...I am a physician with a heavy call schedule. I think that the issue is 'disruptiveness'. I could have the kids and get called in the middle of the night for an emergency. In the least, I would need a sleep-in during the week. On the weekend, I have my family for coverage. Even then, if I get a 2AM call on a Saturday, I would have to arouse the kids from sleep, so, would most likely need a sleep in. FIB
Frank, (sigh)...let's chat. I will say here, that your schedule as a doctor DOES make a legit diff. Imagine a more "normal" mother and then others will realize that it's reasonable to want a parent guaranteed present for the kids at that age...having a doctor on call sucks for kids if there's no wife around. Being in the military, serving your nation, as a mom or dad, also costs one heavily in these matters and I've seen it a lot. Like reservists of both sexes--soldiers who serve their countries honorably but lose their kids b/c they are called to duty.... Very sad and unfair to the parent but worse for the kids not to have it handled ahead of time.
As appealing as hiring a nanny is, for those nights(deployments), seems, it costs more than having them with their own mother, and she may argue 'first right of refusal' just as you would if she really were to attend schooling and had final exams. Would you want her to hire a sitter then, or leave them with you, on "her" days in that sitch? Forget her faults as a wife for a minute before answering...If you were communicating in a healthier manner, (yeah, I know, with a healthier woman...) this would not be such a sticking point. ANd I do think she's lowballing in her ONE night a week for 3 hours... Sadly this is not a used car sale...it is a child custody dispute and you'd think folks would approach it as reasonably as possible.
I'm not defending what is happening, (except as it relates to your on call schedule b/c there were nights my h would NOT have seen the kids at all on "his" nights if that had happened AND he's dead tired after an all nighter anyhow, so in fairness, I think the judge has a point...it's hard for us to see that b/c we don't like your w much...) But we have to help you get thru this. Our acrimony for her isn't all that helpful at times...but again, I don't like being confused with the bad guy b/c I translate the message, as in, I"m only the messenger.
Don't be miffed at the judge too much. He's just as turned off by her histrionics as he is by your tome/journal of her wackiness. I don't know all that you documented, but it's stuff that happens in front of the kids that matters most, or threats...
The problem some are having here on the DB board is that we are blaming her for the div and in many ways that seems fair to us. We are your friends and supported you in your DBing --and I think some of her actions were simply beyond the pale, no matter what type of jerk you may once have been. So yeah, I do hold her accountable for a whole lot. I admit that. But I'm able to detach from that belief and know that the judge does not have to assess this....yet anyhow. "Cruelty grounds"? He's seen much worse than either of you can claim I suspect...just mho.
BUT having said that, her behavior as a wife is NOT relevant to determining child OR spousal support in NY evidently, (His L is not an idiot; he likes and trusts her --HUGE--and she's experienced in this area and HE is getting the house for now and the forensic accounting came back good for FIB and the support is NOT forever(or did I misunderstand?) and SHE"S moving out so not all things are going against FIB) so everyone telling you to "fight that part!" of this, based on her infidelity is counterproductive and missing the irrelevance of it to the judge. Sorry... Your L knows NY law and I don't think all this whining about how unfair it all is, helps you much. Does it? It reeks of the man vs woman whining that seeps into many of my female friends discussions (men are pigs) and my male friends (the shrew is screwing me over, etc).
Her screaming behaviors are where I'd draw the line asap b/c that affects your kids and it's too crazy to tolerate. She will revise the marital history no matter what, but your calmness will shine through her rages, which your son has already noted...sadly. Suggestions: The 50/50 thing is YES, very desirable and fair - BUT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A SURGEON...and for that, you have to make adjustments. Not as many as she's asking of course, Yes I'd argue for more time, especially in the summer (makes school a moot point) and whatever time YOU can take off, and would make nearly all your vacation time be shared with them, consequetively of course. At least 2 weeks.
Also I'd argue for staying in the same school district (Stability of the kids!! after all.) unless both parents consent in writing. I've seen folks get screwed on this be merely insisting that kids remain in the same state. That's not enough. New York is a big state so that only works in Rhode Island. I'd argue She cannot move the kids more than an hour away (as a back up position) but why not try to keep them in the area you both can easily reach? So obvious to all of us...maybe not to her. Like it or not, you are the father of the children so yes you do get to "control" some things. Ahem...that's life.
Also if she doesn't attend school within say 2 years, that money goes away and income gets imputed to her...as in, "G-G-G-GET A J-J-J-JOB!!"She didn't put you through med school or residency & you know how crazy that makes me...what the hell do you owe her for her choice on that? OR she can go to school and repay you the costs when she makes her fat pay check...What? You held her back? From what? Discovering a new hair product? (Sorry that was mean...yikes...I feel cat claws retracting...) meow!
Anyhow, we'll chat soon. Let me know your schedule. Pick your battles wisely...oh, I have to go read the rest of this thread but had to reply now while I had a minute and felt fired up. Will finish it later...
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Amen to Cire and Bill...you are getting strong advice from these experienced guys. Don't stoop too much and let the little people (I'm thinking Gulliver's Travels") pull you or keep you down with their tiny strings. Pull yourself up and break the idiocies...You will not be a bitter man and you can choose not to be. You are freer than you know..
You can do this. You are. ((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
To all..in retrospect, I realize that I will NOT totally lose my children. She WILL do her best to alienate them from me (dramatics indeed, Kerry. Thanks for the a$$ kick).
Again, in NYS, they do NOT have joint legal custody in a courtroom. Only sole custody is awarded. I agree with my L in that, "FIB, you must get rid of this woman or you will find yourself in family court for the rest of your life. I am convinced that the children would be better off with you."
Well, obviously, that will now be in the judge's hands.
10/30...STBXW came home at 930P with kids after I asked her to have them home so I could have dinner with them. S9's cousins were in the house and she ejected them on arrival leaving him in tears (always throws them out). It was a Friday, no school the next day. I asked her to let them stay a few minutes. Pushing further would have created an ugly scene and she might have called the police or filed something.
10/31...she never trick or treated with them in spite of her requesting that I bring them home.
Yesterday, S9 told me that he was afraid to call me when he is with her. Today, S9 asked his mom, "mom, when are you going to vacuum and mop the floor again?". STBXW paused and responded, "I don't know. When are you going to help?"
It's just horrible with her now. Horrible.
I trust my L. I have discussed the parenting thing with her at many steps along the way. Even in her seventies she is bright and has been doing this for over 35 years...faxes me current supreme court rulings that will support us.
Thank G-d I kept this blog here. It is my diary. In Aug '06 my MIL HIT my son during a temper tantrum he had (age 6) and told me that she called STBXW and told her that "whatever she was doing was hurting the kids and that she should stop it right away."
To all....I have no intention of losing my cool or bashing my W. My only plan to is try and show the judge that a professional man in the year 2009 can be a hands on loving dad..provide an emotionally safe and loving home for his kids....and keep their mom in the lives of their kids without anger or malice. In any case, as Jeff223 knows in AL, the odds are still HEAVILY STACKED in favor of my STBXW getting sole custody.
I have my work cut out for me and I am prepping. What keeps me going is that it is SHE who is now driving this to court...not me. As such, I have to protect myself.
I pray...that the judge is a savvy man and is not bound down by stereotypes. In spite of giving lectures in a packed auditorium...and having to explain patient care in Moribity and Mortality conferences, as a resident, I am apprehensive about going to trial, but, I will do what is required. I've grown a lot since the beginning. I know the type of man that must be there.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
25...read your entire post. It makes total sense. Ironically, then, it sounds like most women shouldn't even settle out of court. Why not just go to trial then? Think about it. By going to trial:
-STBXW can get maintenance -STBXW can get sole custody -STBXW can get residential custody -STBXW probabably WILL get me to be assigned ONE night during the week once the judge gets thru with this
Why, then, 25....should STBXW settle out of court? She wins big from the get go this way. If I were her, I WOULDN"T SETTLE EITHER.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Kerry..thanks. I will vent here....spew my frustration...etc. But on Dec 03, I will walk into that courtroom head held high and will be the right man ..and father.....calm and steady. Thanks. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
