I think my dear Yoyo, that is it in a nutshell. We had love for our spouses and even though they betrayed us, the other person was an intruder, a burglar if you will. They came and shook our world upside down of course with our spouses standing right there.
In all honesty, I think my ex still loves me but doesn't see it because of the 24/7 infatuated feeling he gets from her. I am not talking about taking him back just an observation. He has hurt me too deeply for anything to ever be reborn of this and I am ok with that. It still hurts. It has been over 3 years and it still hurts but I don't dwell on it. I can't, I have to keep looking forward for myself and my kids. I am just not always moving as quickly as people would like.
Does that help to explain it all any better?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If he ends up with her, I will never accept her as my kid's step mom. (she promised she would love them as if they were her own, GRRRR)
Maybe my thinking is ass backwards, but I dont see why having a step mom who would care about her husbands kids is all that bad. I have a step father and mother that care about me and my parents have accepted that over 30 years ago. Why carry the resentment?
BTW... The very first thing OM said to me was what great kids I had. Besides being a wife stealer, he is not that bad of a guy towards my kids.
Kerry, I have a step mom too. I do not know my mother. She cheated on my dad and he walked in on that. So yes, this cheating stuff has been a part of my life for a long time. I think if there isn't cheating involved but a marriage dying and THEN a new spouse is found, acceptance can be found there.
You should know there are a lot of feelings to get over concearning the other person(and honestly a great deal of that emotion is directed at the former spouse but easily projected onto the other person). This is a work in progress and just because someone tells you to get over it, it doesn't happen over night.
You are a good guy Kerry because I wouldn't be talking to OM, I would have been punching his lights out. But that is just me.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You keep putting the greater blame on the person who had no special obligation to protect your M. This is a terrible way to treat yourself. You deny that your XH had a special obligation to you. You deny that his harm to your M was the deeper betrayal.
I did, for a very long time. I was hoping to salvage my marriage. Maybe that was the ultimate downfall - I thought so little of myself that I forgave him too quickly, tried anything to save it, even in the face of such terrible betrayal. But now I realize that he is a grown man, one who proved himself to have very different morals from my own.
So, I wish they would both pack up and move across the country. However, my children do love their father. They are very attached to him, as he has been a large part of their lives. He is trying to be the best father to them that he can, given the choices that he has made (and, I believe, putting them second to his own selfish wants, pretending that his being happy will trickle down to them being happy. Whatever, he just proved that he wasn't good enough to save their family intact). I don't like either one of them, for the record. But he has rights, and the kids need their father.
This other woman, the girlfriend, has no links or ties to my children. They don't NEED her. She doesn't have any right to be in their lives. And yes, as he ripped apart his own family and hers, she did the same. They want to be together? Fine. That has nothing to do with my children. And if he keeps pushing it on them, I think they will resent having it shoved down their throats as they grow up.
I find it incredible that a formerly-cheating father would want to include their affair partners in their kids' lives, anyway. Then again, I have no idea how they manage to look their own kids in the eyes when they see them, or face themselves in the mirror, either. These people have no shame.
My kids miss their FATHER in-between visits. They could care less if his gf fell off the face of the earth. I think they would just be relieved to have more of his attention, should that happen.
With all that said, in the end, I know that my resentment and anger will fade. Time will do that. I don't share these sentiments with the kids, and I am working very hard at curtailing any pressure that I may have been putting them under about this whole thing. They will come to their own conclusions about their father, the other people involved, and yes, me. All I can do is try to be the best example, and live as I hope they choose to live someday.
Accepting the way things are, and liking the way things are, can be two very different things. Right now, I am trying to concentrate on what I do have control over...
Thanks Donna. Yep we only have control over us. I choose not to meet my biological Mom because when she tried to communicate with me all she could do was lie about my Dad. The worst lie was that he sat my crib on fire with me in it.
I know that I have had a better life being raised by my Dad and the woman I proudly consider my Mom. I hope I raise my kids to be great and caring people. I can't censor their Dad or make him out to be something he never was. He will need to fix the damage he has done to his relationships with them. I used to try to gently try to mend the fences between them and ex(before he was ex) would just say that it was me putting words in their mouths! I listen to the kids and try to give them solutions but it is between then now.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
They want to be together? Fine. That has nothing to do with my children. And if he keeps pushing it on them, I think they will resent having it shoved down their throats as they grow up.
Quote:
I find it incredible that a formerly-cheating father would want to include their affair partners in their kids' lives, anyway. Then again, I have no idea how they manage to look their own kids in the eyes when they see them, or face themselves in the mirror, either. These people have no shame.
Donna--fwiw, that's exactly what has happened with my D13. After months of having OW and her family pushed on her, being required to babysit for the grandson, and feeling like her father's "4th child" (as opposed to his only one)--this former daddy's girl no longer gets along with him at all. She greatly resents being forced into relationships, and we are closer than before because she "needs one sane parent" (her words). Yes, our children are wiser than we realize, and just because they can look their children in the face doesn't mean that they want to look their fathers in the face.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
You know, I get this sentiment of forgiving the WAS and the OP, and basically letting go any anger and resentment that might harm ourselves. I believe both the spouse and the OP are equally guilty for breaking up a M in such cases. For our own sake, it is sound policy to give these injuries over to God and to let go of any pretense of a claim against these people. By my forgiveness of those who have harmed me I am freeing myself from that prison of resentment I would otherwise make for myself.
Where I draw the line is this notion that forgiveness means I can necessarily be friends with these people, as some seem to suggest. It isn't so. Furthermore there's a huge difference with managing to get along with some person who comes along after the end of your M and has a R with your former spouse ~versus~ the OP who was equal partner in being the destroyer of your M. The very fact that someone would willingly and knowingly aid and abet the dissolution of someone's M for their own self-serving ends automatically paints them as someone not to be trusted. Forgiveness in no way implies trust of an offender.
In my own case, I can forgive the OP and place my trust in the Lord to eventually deal with them and my ex, in His own good time. I thus free myself up to move forward in my life according to where God leads me. (I can even thank God that someone came along to act as the foil and clearly demonstrate for me the depths of moral corruption to which my former spouse had descended.)
But no way on earth can I ever be expected to trust someone like that. That would be stupid folly. And while I can understand being peaceable around these conspirators for the sake of my children, I don't understand this blanket prescription to accept or even embrace these OP as if that's really what's in the best interests of the children. It might be in some cases, but not all and certainly not most.
The plain fact is that the OP may not be an "axe murderer", but I still don't want someone with such low moral standards and predatory thinking exposed to my children, especially when they're so unrepentant. He is not a good influence and an absolutely abhorrent person to be anyone's role model, least all for my S's.
Some here might think my resistance is "unhealthy" for my kids, well, that's your opinion. I am happy for you if your own particular circumstances happen to allow you the luxury of being able to embrace your ex's new SO as a positive influence on your children. But in most of these cases, where the new R was founded in unrepentant infidelity and immorality, with this same person, you cannot automatically prescribe such a course with any credulity. Most often the OP has been a willful enemy to the family and thus a threat to the children's well being.
By way of analogy, just as I do not hate the snake that bit me and nearly cost me my life, neither would I ever trust that snake now that it has been identified. And it is through love of my children that I will do what I can to protect them from such harm as well.
No Kerry, I didnt misunderstand OT. And I agree with what was said. It would be tragic for my kids IF I would let my "non-acceptance" interfere with their lives. But to say now that I would be ok with them having this woman as their stepmom, would be a HUGE lie. And I dont lie. Maybe I am not such a great person. And basically, I think people learn to outgrow situations by facing them, they adjust. Right now though, I cant stand the thought of her being a part oftheir lives, even if it was just for the weekends.
Basically, if me and H divorce, I would want any woman that he will be involved with, to care about my kids. And I would encourage them to accept her and love her. Just like I have been protecting them from their dad's poor actions only to protect their R with him although I was deeply hurt and totally against, but HER, is a whole different ball game. Maybe it is because I read so many things she wrote about my kids that were...unacceptable, like "why are you still cosnidering going back, your kids are fine, they have accepted the divorce, you time with them is less but better" while I was taking them to therapy and was dealing with their meltdowns and hurt and pain and while they kept crying themselves to sleep missing their dad. (Kerry you know how hard it has been on them) Excuse me for being "small". K
