I am Don Quixote

[sleeper]

...she also sounds nuttier than most, just very, very messed up.

I am overwhelmed by this comment as I have dwelt upon the same conclusion over the past day or so. Forward commented many months ago that my sitch was somewhat different than most others on the boards as X has maintained a weird connection with me throughout this.

Here's something I didn't share earlier because I really wasn't sure how to do so; At the time of the weird "blended family hug" X asked a question a wife would normally only ask her husband. She directed the question to both OMH and myself and then looked back and forth from him to myself waiting for an answer. It was an uncomfortable moment but as is my style I broke the silence with a humorous response. She is screwed up.

X was seriously abused as a child. She has had very little stability in her life. No member of her family now has/has had a stable, normal relationship. Our D was sexually assualted at a very young age (lots of triggers for X). Her surrogate parent figures died within 16 months of one another, the latter triggering her mlc. She has mentioned (angrily) that my desent into PTSD denied her the luxury of a "breakdown" as "someone had to keep it together."

She said to me on two different occasions just post bomb but pre-separation, "I don't know who I am," and "Sleeper, I'm all messed up", slumping into my chest as she made the second comment.

I no longer spend time trying to figure all this out. The above are simply observations I have made. C says he believes her subconscious has created a script that she is following and only her subconscious knows how it is expected to end.

I can (and am) only doing what I am able; Taking care of myself and my children to the best of my abilities.

I'm about to get into the best physical shape of my life (I've been accepted into a program which requires I pass a flight physical at work).

The kids have often said they wanted to make candy.

We're going to make some this holiday season.

[Kettricken]

I think your compassion for your wife (if that's what it is) is laudable. And you're a grown man, so if you want to hang on like grim death, well, it's your funeral.

Here's what concerns me about your situation: It IS a *very* weird connection. And your kids are learning about relationships by watching yours. Regardless of what you say or they say after the fact, they are internalizing what they SEE. Stuff like that blended family hug, or your x asking some kind of husband-specific question and looking back and forth between you and OMH for a response .... if that stuff passes unchallenged by you -- or worse, is blown off with humor as unimportant -- what kind of message is that sending your kids?

At some point, it doesn't matter why she does the screwed-up things she does. It only matters whether you consent-through-silence to seeing them likely continued into the next generation. IMHO.

It occurs to me that every time I post on your thread, I bust your chops. I feel like I should apologize for that. But damn, it's 'cause I think you're wiser than this.

Have fun with the candy. What kind?

[Fallgirl]

I don`t think the labels matter a whole pile. Fact is when love goes wrong(and there`s people all over the boards who are testimony to this)a huge craziness is spawned.

Me I`ve been busy looking at my husbands craziness, living with it, blaming him for it. But it wasn`t until I went to therapy that I got to look in the mirror and see my part in the stirring the crazy beast up.

Yup, IMHO crazy beast was dormant(and bred-like so many others here-in his childhood). But I stirred it up.

So I really think we need to see what draws us to someone who`s got problems in the first place.(Need to feel superior?Low self esteem issues?Have some of that crazy in us too?)Heal that in us. Stand and hope for our spouse to wise up. And be ready to move on.

This isn`t time to point the finger at our spouses, gasp, laugh,be bewildered by their crazy stuff.

Its time to look at ourselves and truly love ourselves enough to give us the very best chance to become whole.

Sleeper, I love what you`re doing-fun with kids and physically looking after yourself. Sounds like you`re moving forward.

[Andabelle]

Toffee and peanut brittle make great gifts.

The physical training is going to be good for your head, too.

[forward]

Sleeper, I think that refusing to participate in group hug nonsense is good for all of you. Going dim is better for you, too. The kids will hope you will get back together and they see this really dysfunctional situation. Someone has to be sane.

You have to wipe the slate clean. This is something that I realized. In the now-unlikely event that we should get back together, it would have to be a completely different kind of relationship, in order to be healthy.

You have to close this chapter before you can even consider a new one. You have to b an Ex before you could even consider something new.

[sleeper]

The kids will...see this really dysfunctional situation.

They have/are beginning to see.

They know when X is spewing. It was DD that commented recently that I didn't use any profanity responding to X on the phone during spew. That was a two-edged sword as I didn't realize I had previously responded with at least one profane statement when this occured.

DD asked recently why X got xyz and I got nothing in the financial settlement. She continued by saying it wasn't "fair".

DD is now reluctant to bring up some of her concerns/problems with X as she explains, "Mom will just freak out" so she talks to me instead.

Out of the blue she mentioned X and OMH were "screaming" at one another Sunday morning (before taking the kids with them to church). She went on to tell me X told her that "couples do that from time to time". There is the problem as they are being taught by observation of X and OMH that such "screaming" is normal in a R.

Short of saying, "Your mother and OMH are not healthy, neither is their R", the only thing I can do is comfort them and be the best father I possibly can.

[frank_D]

What is a DD? Divorced Daughter? Deranged Daughter? Doobie Doo?

[sleeper]

DD = Dear Daughter

[forward]

Sleeper, You could say that you do not think it is right to scream at each other and leave it at that?

[sleeper]

Another skirmish in World War Spew.

School picture date for kids was rescheduled. As I was taking kids to school yesterday DD mentioned the order form was at X's and had to be turned in that morning. After taking kids to school I called and texted X with no response/answer. I made a couple of more attempts and she answered her work phone.

After confirming that she had the form and explaining the sitch to her she exploded. Of course it was all my fault. Why didn't I; Tell her earlier, Come by her house on the way to school and pick it up, Call the school, Go by the school and get another form, etc., finally hanging up on me as I calmly reminded her she had the form for a week and a half and she was the one who failed to take care of it.

She then called back but I did not answer (in the past this has usually resulted in more spew and what is the point?). She followed by texting an apollogy and requesting I answer my phone followed by an additional text of apollogy when I didn't respond. I finally texted that I accepted her appology and was "busy." She called at the end of the day and I did answer. She apollogized again but got off the phone quickly as she seemed tired, stressed or distracted.

I have been through a bout of depression the past few months. I now find myself moving from depression over all this to anger at OMH and X for the damage they have done to my life and the lives of my children. I am rapidly reaching the point where I don't give a ____ what happens to X.

I texted her this AM to inform her that I am taking the kids out of town tomorrow and that I would not be able to help her with the kids next weekend while she works as she had previously requested. I have asked for the kids a day or two early next week as they are out of school and I want to take them on a trip. Her request was a bit of a quid pro quo.

She texted her response: "Ok"