Yes, Steve she has signed a lease for December 1st. And yes, she said she doesn't want me to know where it is. Our kids will visit there, so obviously they will know. I am fully aware that all of that reeks of her having an affair. Just because she doesn't want me to know where it is, it doesn't mean I won't. It also doesn't mean I won't have people watching who comes and goes from that apartment. I'm not an idiot.
But, I am also leaving open the possibility that she doesn't want me to know, because she thinks I will stalk her. That would be in line with things I have done in the past. I'm not buying into her bull**** here. None of you know what I have done before - and if you did, you would see that it's possible. She may simply want to feel like she truly is away from me and has time to heal. Or she could be setting up an amazing love nest. Right now, it's not the most important thing to me. As I have told her, if there is someone else, that changes everything. And it will.
I told you about the night, my wife refers to as "sexual assault", but that was only the final one in a series of such actions that would demean any woman - and because I didn't want to be too graphic here, I don't think I explained just how long it lasted, and how far I went. As for how she can still sleep naked beside me, I think it's because she knows I wouldn't do it again and lose any chance at saving our marriage, and her turning nasty etc. Also, as I have said before, in her mind, she is already gone. We are just two people lying there.
Or....she's setting up an amazing love nest for her and some OM. I am 100% aware and prepared for the possibility.
Right now, it's not my main focus. I am almost at the point of forgiving myself for all the nasty things. I am also starting to do a much better job of GAL. I attended a divorce support group for the first time last night. It went much better than I thought it would be. Other things, that are not related to my marriage will be part of my GAL. I have made plans with a friend from work for this Saturday - which is our anniversary. I am going to go out, have fun and not be at home having a pity party for me.
I am seriously working on de-taching and focusing on me. I have a new sense of calm for longer periods of the day than anytime since I returned to this site.
I finally feel real progress in the last couple of days and I am even feeling a little proud of me!
ok.. read the whole thing and just have to say a few things from a chick-a-dee
Your wife is full of sh*t and you must stop eating from that plate.... My H has played around with me when I was sleeping and maybe even intoxicated a time or two. One time early on in our marriage... I told him the next day that I had been really drunk and didn't like that... you know what he just thought I was into it, he didn't know (like you didn't know she was on drugs) that I was as intoxicated as I was. She feels perfectly safe with you or she wouldn't have been sleeping NAKED in the bed with you afterwards. These are her excuses to beat you up and beat you down.
My wife was virtually comatose. I went way beyond playing. It lasted for a long time and it was very graphic. It is her excuse to feel okay about leaving, and it has become very real to her.
Guess what sometimes I get in bed and play with my H while he is sleeping and sometimes he wakes up and sometimes he doesn't so I stop.
Oh, and good luck making a criminal issues out of it... kinda hard to prove your so frightend and scared when you move back and sleep in the same bed NAKED with your husband and she's gonna file a report months later ... good luck with that one. I know legally it would be unlikely to stick - but technically it was rape. Believe me, it was.
Leave your wife alone for now.... your torturing yourself with all these self depreciating thoughts and it is coming thru.
I am finally doing that now.
BTW, most people that keep there new apartments hidden are having an affair.... we didn't know where H was living for a few months. They don't want you snooping.
She just may be.
As far as the vacation, I hear what you are saying but if you think day to day lives are tough...you just wait..this has disaster written all over it.
Oddly enough, daily life for the family is really not that bad when I am being calm and not all over the place. So, vacation won't be worse, unless I let it be.
So from this chick-a-dee to you....
make some changes fast... get out more ask you C about medication... you need some for anxiety or depression or maybe they can give you something to make you zip your lip. (That was a joke)
I may get medication, but would rather deal with the root of my issues than mask them. I will discuss that with counselor tomorrow.
Frankly, my saved marriage is on the rocks right now, with the current revelation that he just doens't love me anymore after all the chit I have been thru with him it's exhausting and I make myself get up and workout, run or something everyday. There is no options om this.... do I miss out on time with my kids cause of this.... yes because all though I am home everyday and could go to the gym.... I wait till the evening 2-3 nights a week and go when H is home. Does he wonder if I am really at the gym ... probably not but it's not something i normally do so it's different.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Stop talking about doing it and do it
JUST DO IT
Go out to a coffee shop... buy a paper and read it real slow there...Give yourself some space.
Now, I am gonna say this and it won't sound nice coming from a nice girl like me but put your big boy underwear on and act like a man. Even if you don't feel like it, act like it
Your wife has been bullying you to make you feel like sh*t about yourself ... so you've done that for awhile ...NOW STOP IT.
I think she is bullying me to make herself feel like I am the bad man, so she feels justified in leaving her house, kids and husband. She is an alien.
Yes, Steve she has signed a lease for December 1st. And yes, she said she doesn't want me to know where it is. Our kids will visit there, so obviously they will know. I am fully aware that all of that reeks of her having an affair. Just because she doesn't want me to know where it is, it doesn't mean I won't. It also doesn't mean I won't have people watching who comes and goes from that apartment. I'm not an idiot.
But, I am also leaving open the possibility that she doesn't want me to know, because she thinks I will stalk her. That would be in line with things I have done in the past. I'm not buying into her bull**** here. None of you know what I have done before - and if you did, you would see that it's possible.
Honestly? This is just my uninformed opinion, but I think that's exactly what you're doing.
You've said you're going to have people keeping an eye on her (which may or may not meet the legal definition of stalking) even though she is making an effort to stay away from you -- to the point where she won't tell you where she's moving.
You are still trying to control her.
There may be others that disagree, that say you have a right to know if she's having an affair. They're not wrong; but the way you are going about it is not healthy and is just further validating her feelings about you and the R.
You think she's having an affair? Fine, assume that possibility in your mind so you can be prepared for if and when she drops that bomb on you. Be prepared to forgive her -- or, as you say, if it "changes everything", get ready to file.
You need to let her live her life right now. Sure, she's destroying your marriage and likely to be cheating on you. But those are her decisions, and she will have learn to live with the consequences.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
One of the problems with a forum like this is the differing opinions.
And I differ on this myself. I could easily have people watch to find out if she is having an affair. But...if I really am detaching, than would I do that? And if I really am changing as a person, would I do it - just like I would in the past?
I have not assumed that she is having an affair (my gut says otherwise) but have prepared myself for the possibility. And then, decide how it changes everything if she ever drops that bomb.
Gotta admit I'm not sure if I will have people watch or not. I suppose it depends how I feel after she is the apartment.
Really though - it can't be my main focus now. Let her live her life and I will go on with mine.
In the grand scheme of things Indy it does not matter. But it would in the intermediate. It would be another piece of the puzzle that is your marriage.
Then again. It could be a show stopper for you as well.
Either way Indy. Help is here for you. How is your list coming along ?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I have second meeting with counselor tonight and plan on discussing the following things with him. I am thinking these will be my points of direction for my life.
Some of this is really dbing principles said slightly differently. But...I finally am putting together my own thoughts in my own way.
Your comments appreciated...
1. The pending separation is not my idea. My idea of staying together and working though things may be honorable, but is not possible - not now. Therefore, I must accept that and move on. I have no control over my wife, only over me.
2. I am living my worst case scenario right now. The "I need out now" is still fresh, we are still living together in the same house, still legally and financially bound etc - all while my wife is already gone in her mind. I am already "alone" without the benefits of being alone. I am "ok" while living the worst case, so I will be better at any other time. Some day my alone will include my own home (not filled with memories), my own space, financial individuality and the freedom to explore a new relationship.
3. My wife wants to be away from me so badly, that she is willing to leave her kids and home. With that in mind, why would I even think a reconciliation is possible without major changes? Would I think another woman would want to be married to me, spend the rest of her life with me, if I knew she felt the way my wife does? Time to accept that and realize that right now, I don't want someone here who doesn't want to be here.
4. I must forgive myself for my sins. Don't forget them, so that I can still learn from them. But ask God to forgive and forgive myself.
5. I can't base my opinion of me, in any way on what my wife says or does. That's basically detaching, but a little more than that. I have always needed her affirmation to feel good in any way. That's not healthy and I can't have that now anyway, so I need to develop true self respect and pride.
6. It's ok for me to think about me first right now. Yes, my kids matter, but I can't be of any value to them, until I feel better about me.
7. While my wife says she wants me "in her life" and to "be friends", I have the right to feel otherwise. If as time goes by, I feel differently, than I do. I still have no intention of being mean or nasty, but being friends with my former spouse isn't required. If I want to be apart from her completely, other than when it involves our children, that is my right.
8. Our marriage is over now. Not in one month when she moves out. Not in January after the family vacation. Now. There is a very slight chance that we could have a "second" marriage some day, but this one is over.
Just typing that out and reading it back was tough for me, but good for me to. I am almost there.......almost.
This is good. I really like your #7 -- that was a real eye-opener for my wife, too.
Your intro to #2 concerns me. When someone is as wayward as your wife is, you should be as LITTLE entangled as possible, legally and financially, starting with financially. I'd strongly suggest getting a pretty detailed legal and financial separation in place.
Wow PDT! I finally got a positive response from you. Maybe because I am finally making some progress. I'm sure I have driven you, Coach, Cutter and certainly RobX crazy!!!
I am also concerned about the legal stuff. But...I have really put some calm objective thought into this aspect. I won't go into details, but I am almost sure it's safe for me to lay off on that part right now. I still have some control. I will see if WAW actually behaves the way she says she will after her move out. If she does, it's fairly safe to assume she will stick with her other plans. I have made the decision to take the calculated risk of not going legal at this time. It's a big risk, but I really think it's ok. I can always start that process before any major harm is done. Big question for you and the other pros:
Since my wife is still being very caring and supportive and is happy that I am seeing a counselor, should I let her know that these were the things I talked with him about? I am sure she will ask tonight. I feel no need to hide things from her - and maybe hearing some of this will be good dbing? It's not really making promises or anything like that if it's taken in context of a counseling session -or should I just let her see my actions?
