To answer your question, YES. If you don't value and love yourself, I don't see how you (or anyone else) can have a healthy R with anyone else.
Also, do you have a counselor. A counselor could really help you through many of these issues. If $ is an issue, you should check with your health insurer and see if you have coverage for counseling or seeing a psychologist.
Take a deep breath. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You simply have to calm down. Don't blame you for feeling like you do, but you have to control yourself.
Hope you won't mind me chiming in to say if it's not the key, it's an important facet of being happy, which may or may not include having a happy M.
Think about it, if you place the responsibility for your happiness on anyone else, how would that person feel? It's a huge, huge burden, and for a person in WAS mode, there's hardly a bigger turn-off. Not to mention that there's invariably going to be disappointment cropping up, on both sides.
And that's just "for him". Taking back responsibility and control of your life and happiness is going to be a very precious gift to yourself.
Shades of "Gucci/Robx" ... who the heck wants a clingy, needy, whining monkey on the back? People always take for granted what is there for them 24/7; they yearn for what they could lose or do not have. Your mental attitude could be speaking volumes to him now, and I don't think you'll like to hear what it is saying.
It's ok to have downtimes, we all have them, and it's so hard to stay positive or even not to be perpetually at rock bottom. But you have to do it. For you.
Whether others on this forum bring their spouses back or not is besides the point. They're clawing their way out of the abyss one way or another and they're going to be fine. Life is going to be happy, and sad, for a variety of reasons that happens in life.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Thanks GIMA and Deep. I do have a counsellor, although I am going to have to cut back to once or twice per month. But he's so great and we are working on the self esteem and being happy so it's worth it!
I love the Gucci/Robx-esque advice. I need that reminder. Yes, I have to be happy alone for me (and my S) primarily, but I do notice a shift in our R when I pull back and am focussing on me. I guess it helps to show I'm ok either way. That's a bonus.
I did resist all the needy behavior tonight. Wanted to call H but cought myself that I was making up excuses to do so and it was panic-based. Practiced DB's "stop sign" with my negative thoughts. It was a challenge. I was way down today, but I'm feeling more stable right now. Tomorrow will be a little better, I'm sure.
Deep, et al - but for the WAS - will they ever yearn for what they cant have? I mean, they walked away, so they assume they can have us. But if we walk away - maybe they just don't care because they have chosen not to have us anyhow.
It's just one of those DB principles I've always struggled with.
Hope, I hope this does not come across like a glib answer (and the more experienced posters may weigh in better) - but part of the point of doing this makes the question you asked immaterial, not unimportant, but immaterial. You don't decide for him, you certainly don't control his feelings. You're not going to let his sticky little fingers slide the happiness scale of your life depending on his whims and fancies.
If he walks and stays away, that's too bad. For him. Disappointment, yes, sadness yes, devastation? Nahs, got no time for that.
If I'm pushed for a "practical" answer, I'll say it depends on how deep they're in the fog (no pun intended!). They didn't really walk away from you - they thought they were walking away from hurt, pain, boredom, resentment ... into a world of freedom, new beginnings, potential new romance, excitement. You can try to jolt them into seeing exactly what they're giving up, and there is always a chance that the delusion will wear off all the faster.
But you're worth so much more than letting your lifewait on his waking up.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Deep, et al - but for the WAS - will they ever yearn for what they cant have? I mean, they walked away, so they assume they can have us. But if we walk away - maybe they just don't care because they have chosen not to have us anyhow.
Deep has the right answer: It doesn't matter.
In theory, it should make a difference. They walked away and expected you to chase them. If you don't, it may cause them to wonder why not? But if you are ever to be the happy, confident person that has a chance of rekindling the R, you can't preoccupy yourself with their feelings.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
It's just one of those DB principles I've always struggled with.
Well, there isn't a really logical answer. And you're right; it may not work for everyone, which is why one of the DB principles is "do what works, and stop doing what doesn't work".
* Pursuing almost never works; so stop pursuing for a few days and see what happens. * Pleading with them to stay almost never works; next time the R comes up, agree that the marriage is beyond hope and see how they react. * Moping around the house wondering why your spouse doesn't love you doesn't work; so try being happy without them and see if they notice.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks people! I will work on this and respond later. Gotta run now. I resisted the urge to pursue again this morning - I'm freaking out because our "Marital Separation AGreement" (with no filing, hopefully) is gettin to the finalization point. H and I are planning on talking tonight. I must stay calm, cool, collected - because he's going ot expect me to totally freak out and be emotional. Which I am. Which is why I resisted the urge to call him. Now off to live life for me...back soon.
Please remind of me of the counter intuitive DB principle to help me cope with H's mysterious activities. He says "he's busy" but won't explain. I'm sure there's no OW, but dropping hints about doing drugs (which he later said was only smoking pot - big deal) has got me freaked out. It's like the only thing that seems fishy is that he's acting fishy.
Do I just pretend I don't care and don't mention it?
Please remind of me of the counter intuitive DB principle to help me cope with H's mysterious activities. He says "he's busy" but won't explain. I'm sure there's no OW, but dropping hints about doing drugs (which he later said was only smoking pot - big deal) has got me freaked out. It's like the only thing that seems fishy is that he's acting fishy.
Do I just pretend I don't care and don't mention it?
Hope,
That's a tough call given the drug reference. If he's smoking and willing to admit it to you, he's probably doing more.
Since you have a little one, I think you need to keep a very close eye on your H's behavior. Not for you, but for the protection of your child.
Absent the drug issue, I think you are talking about a 180 (assuming your normal reaction would be to ask what he was up to).
Agreed on both accounts. Luckily, he seems clean when when around S5, so what else can I do?
I've decided that his choices are his own and I can't make myself crazy wondering what he's doing with his free time. 180 it is! Frankly, I told him just to have fun this weekend. - despite my suspicions. Do I really want to know what he's doing? Not really!
