Weighing in on the other side of the eX experience ... I've heard no apologies, no remorse, no ... anything. I, too, thought that letting her know my side of things would make me feel better. It didn't. I got absolutely no response. Not even a blink. We're divorced now. And still nothing. Saying your piece, though it may get it off your chest, is no guarantee you'll be heard or responded to.
MW, What were the circumstances between you when this happened? How much time had gone by when you said these things?
I am at the point where it is not about his response--it is about saying what I need to say. In fact, I don't even want a response from him. I am not sure how to approach but I have some time to mull that over.
Walking, thanks for your comment. I wish I did not feel obliterated, but I did.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I did write about it on a thread but it has been awhile. (http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...814#Post1842814) Essentially H accidently sent me an email, calling me a derogatory name, which he meant to send to his sister. He tried to recall it with no luck. When I first received the email, I was stunned and trying not to react...after all, he cheated, left us, started an affair with a friend (ex) of mine, filed for divorce...and is calling me names?!?!? I didn't respond to the email. About 20 minutes later, I received a long email from him not only apologizing for the email but for all of the hurt that he has caused. He also acknowledged that he has been at war with me in his mind and that, coupled with the guilt he felt, accounted for his nastiness towards me.
The challenge was how to respond. It certainly was an opportunity to let him know how I felt, get a couple of things off my chest. You see, I have NEVER told him what I thought. When I first got the bomb, I immediately implemented DB principles - although not because I read the book, but because it was my reaction to the shock. So I waited the entire day before responding to his email.
I thanked him for his apology, accepted it, acknowledged that it was heartfelt and let it go.
What good would it do to let him know what he did to me...the hurt, the anger, the betrayal? I may have 60 seconds of some type of relief, or maybe even some small peace...but it changes nothing. He still left, he is still dating a former friend of mine, and I am still divorced.
I think that they all know what they have done. They don't need us to tell them. They may try and bury it, hide it, pretend that they haven't done this, or even justify it, but they know deep down what they have done. Us verbalizing it does nothing. And really, if your spouse is in a nasty state, I don't think the small sense of satisfaction you may get from talking to him will outweigh him realizing that he got to you. I don't know your situation and what you are dealing with, but my ex did not have much nastiness for the first two years that he left. This past summer however, he was just looking for fights with me..I think it was to justify him leaving. Me talking to him about all of his "wrongs" would have been just the thing that he was looking for to pick a fight.
So that is my situation. Would I love to lay it all out for him? Yes. Will I. No. Moving on for me means recognizing that I can't change what has happened and letting go of the past.
I got a very heartfelt totured "I am so very very sorry" right at the end of the bomb that was delivered very clinically.
I had my first R talk last weekend (6 months later). I started by apologising for my major faults during our relationship which he accepted and I discussed how I had made changes in these areas for me which he had already seen. He then said his behavior had not been perfect either, I said that the phrase well below par in the last two years came to mind actually and he agreed.
I have gotton many different things you are talking about from XH. I did it all wrong as far as DBing goes for 2 years and still slide back. My XH and I were very close and shared everything, so not telling him what was going on with me and how much he was hurting me and the kids was next to impossible for me (and not knowing I was causing more damage didn't help).
He was here a few weeks ago, we spent what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary together. We rehased everything, but in a much better way. In the end he said "you have said everything you can possibly say, I hear you, I just need time to process all this, I need to figure this out on my own, you telling me all this isn't helping". I thought that was pretty insightful and it made me hopeful. We slept together the next night, I layed in bed with him for 2 hours before that touching his back, which he loves!! The next day we went to D10's parent-teacher conference, our son's b-day party with my family, and that whole day I saw my real H again. He was there, he was back, I was even more hopeful. Then, he leaves to go back where he lives 700 miles away and to the arms of OW!! And, off to crazy land he went again...but then...he called and said he was going to go to C on his own. And, although I never asked he told me several times where he was and what he was doing and it didn't involve OW..but then...this past week he asks to talk to me and tells me he is going on a "date" with OW...so back to crazyland!! Now, no real contact for days, just an e-mail regarding business stuff and a little about how it had been 10 yrs since we had moved from Chicago to Atlanta. I have gotton many apologies, but all they were was BS!! Nothing really heartfelt and meaningful.
I guess I can say that I am glad I said the things I did, I just wish I hadn't done them when I did and saved them for when things were over and done with...which I am not sure we are there yet or will ever be...XH told me when we were getting the D..."well if the D doesn't work out we can just get back together" More crazytown cause as long as OW is in the picture there is no getting back together. I felt like if I didn't say it he would never know, so I said everything I could think of hoping it would spark some thoughts in him that he was making a mistake, it only hurt things. I guess what I am trying to say is if you think it is over no matter what, that there is nothing at all he could do or say to make you take him back, the door is closed forever...then say your peace and who cares how he reacts. You just have to go into it telling yourself that no matter what he says or does in reactions to what you tell him, it makes no difference to you and you can handle it. Just IMO!!
Me-39 XH-42 T-21 M- over 17 D16, S14, D10 Bomb-7/07 moved out-9/07 moved back-12/07 moved out for good-7/08 D final-5/09 bomb he was with her all along-9/09
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
By the time my XW expressed that perhaps she regretted her decision, it was too late. Mind you, she didn't tell me directly but let it get to me in a couple of different, not so subtle ways. By then, I saw her as she truly was, and knew in my heart of hearts, that she hadn't really changed and would just do it again.
And not that I need it, but I have the full support of my sons.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
