Burt, I'm not sure which aspect of Gucci's advice you seem to think I am 'fighting tooth and nail.' If you read several of my posts in the last few days you will see that the only point that I expressed any difficulty with was dating to which Gucci has responded.
I'm sure it wasn't intentional but given the fact that you have not posted here before I found the tone of your post somewhat demeaning.
Cas, How has the friendship road been travelled for you?
I think we should dissect this topic in baby steps or we will all get buried in information, AGREE?
How has the friendship road fared for you?
Originally Posted By: Cas05
tonight when I talked to H. He said he sensed that we were getting closer and he had to tell me that a reconciliation wasn't going to happen ever, that he wanted to be friends but he would never get back with me. It just wouldn't work. He said he would be living with OW if it wasn't for the kids. He said I needed to move on and get a new person in my life.
sorry but that is a $hit a$$ thing for a friend to say. Please tell me when he said that you said, OK. Grabbed your cell phone, locked yourself in the car and called someone.
I have been reading what you girls have been posting and I can't seem to figure out what you are all trying to accomplish.
Try to be your husband's friend while they have an affair so that someday you can be lovers again?
Some people want to be right more than they want to do what is right.
Trent, perhaps for you to get a clearer picture of my story you would need to read my whole thread. My reactions have nothing to do with me wanting to be right. It is more through lack of confidence and fear. I have a multitude of reasons for feeling this way. I'm not saying it is correct thinking or that it is not going down 'cheeseless tunnels' (as I have already expressed a few posts back).
Trent, perhaps for you to get a clearer picture of my story you would need to read my whole thread.
As robx said yesterday, every "unique" situation out there seems to have an awful lot in common with the others.
Originally Posted By: Cas05
My reactions have nothing to do with me wanting to be right. It is more through lack of confidence and fear. I have a multitude of reasons for feeling this way.
As long as you trust those feelings over the reality of how your actions to date have worked out, you're not going to get very far.
Originally Posted By: Cas05
I'm not saying it is correct thinking or that it is not going down 'cheeseless tunnels' (as I have already expressed a few posts back).
But you seem content to keep trying the same ol' same ol'. Because that's what you feel should work.
No problem; we'll be here.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Burt, I'm not sure which aspect of Gucci's advice you seem to think I am 'fighting tooth and nail.' If you read several of my posts in the last few days you will see that the only point that I expressed any difficulty with was dating to which Gucci has responded.
I'm sure it wasn't intentional but given the fact that you have not posted here before I found the tone of your post somewhat demeaning.
Please know, I was not trying to be demeaning and I happen to respond to your thread while responding to Gucci in a very broad way.
As one that has been on these boards for over 10 months affter successfully pulling my marriage out of the fire I found it helpful to many when someone shocks them, gets them upset (like you)and that leads them to go back and look at their own thread for advice from the past to see what has been working, what has not, and what you have not tried yet.
I learned early on, thankfully, that when something is not working, try something different. Fear is something you must overcome, but when you do, it is a lot easier to make calculated decisions and ones that are not based on emotion.
You can do this, by the way I have read your thread.
Try to be your husband's friend while they have an affair so that someday you can be lovers again?
Excellent point Steve McQueen. That is exactly what this is about. I certainly don't believe it is just because they want them as friends. I do believe that a WS can usually see and feel right through that. Maybe there is something we are missing...
You got it.. I think that is part of the problem these women are having. They WANT to understand all this talk of chase, and challenge and interest, but can't accept the fact that they may NEVER actually understand. Not understanding doesn't make it any less true.
I would hope that they quit trying to understand and just accept it.
For example. I can try and try to understand why my wife thinks her way about things important to her and I can try for the rest of my life to keep understanding those things. I may never understand. HOWEVER, not understanding has nothing to do with how I should treat her. I just accept that I don't understand and as a matter of fact I don't HAVE to understand her in all ways. I just have to know what the reality tells me. Then just go with the reality...
I mean.. Why does my wife love me? Why does she think I am all that? How can she talk to her girlfriends for hours at a time and never be at a loss for words or something to talk about?
She could very well say the same things about me.
It isn't about understanding. It is about ACCEPTING the reality. The reality is that these men have not responded to years of hanging in there. The reality is that these women are so absorbed in trying to get these men back that they are still talking "baby step".. I could have walked all the way from New York to California taking baby steps in less time.
They can hate the OW and yet can't see that their WS are no better than the OW. They need to start placing the blame where it should go.. Right square in the lap of the man blatantly having an affair and acting like it is no big deal. All the while these poor women are reduced to what we are seeing on here. These men have helped these women to lose all bearings on self esteem and what they are in REALITY putting up with.
I am going to ignore posting about my conversation with H yesterday here, I might post it on my thread.
Cas, I am going to speak for you here as well, I hope you don't mind.
All points being made are reaching us....we ARE beginning to get it.
IMO, you all seem to know us better than we know ourselves. Perhaps we do not trust our own judgement. I believe we are afraid of the unknown, of being alone for the first time in our lives (for me since I was 15). I have been involved in a relationship with my H for 31 of my 46 years. It is very hard to accept and release the only lives Cas and I have known. I do love the H I knew, I always will. I guess I need to realize the H of today is not the same person. I am in tears as this is so raw. I do not like what is happening in my life. We do not like living this way. We want love in our lives. We own the 50% of the mistakes made in the marriage. We have overcome and changed (trust me, we have). We have done the work and DB for ourselves in the hopes it would bring our H's home. In both of our cases that was not meant to be. We have at least salvaged us in the process and are a whole lot stronger than when the sitches began (again, trust me...we are) For me I am also tired and my self-esteem and self-worth have taken a huge hit. I have only begun to recover those over the past year. It is going to be a long process for me as this is the most painful experience I have ever lived.
I think it fair to tell you that I allowed my H to remain in my life for the past 4 years, we have maintained contact including sex from 4 months post-bomb to as recent as 1 1/2 weeks ago. I think that is another reason I can't seem to let go. I am not a fool, I understand the cake eating theory. I wanted to be with him and I own that choice as well.
I for one am listening very carefully. I actually have a D court initial appearance scheduled for December 4th and I plan on moving forward with it. It is your words that have me convinced this so-called relationship I have with my H is unhealthy and dead-ended.
I would like to remain friends during this process because of our history and we have a S13 together. As of right now I am growing bitter towards him due in part to the conversations you guys are having with us. I also am in a great deal of pain and very emotional, not sleeping well and having a hard time concentrating in anticipation of the 4th. I need to concentrate on being strong and focused. I do not want to backslide for a second on all my DB efforts and progress.
I have a feeling I am not prepared for the conflict this will cause between us. Am I being silly to assume that we can still be friendly. Maybe I am missing this point though, maybe I shouldn't care what he thinks. We have worked hard at communicating and friendship. Perhaps you are right that I have a misconstrued idea of what friendship is with him.
I am really at a loss on how to not create an atmosphere with H where he hates me again. I really could not handle that. Does anyone understand what I am trying to say? I guess I have forgiven him his faults and wrongs to us. I think that has been important to me in DB and being strong through this ordeal.
Is it possible that H and I have come to a place where we both understand that a D is the only way out and that all of the work we have done to date will not be reversed?
Another thing to note, I have never wanted the D either. It was H who filed and H who has postponed 4 times to attempt reconciling. Maybe you all would think if I don't want it let H do the work. If H is only interested in status quo then I should go forward, right???
I understand I have rambled.....I can't really help it. You can call it journalling.....any replies....go easy on Cas and me.
Thank you all very much for helping with this life changing situation. Your words and thoughts are not falling on deaf ears. Stubborn and Stuck In The Mud maybe, Deaf? No way....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
My friend here, a guy friend - not romantic just a great friend, told me last week, "I think if you begin to go through with the D in December....D will be begging to come back. D will be on your doorstep everyday and basically behaving like you did when he left at the very beginning." He knows my H and I very well.
My problem is this....I don't want that to bring H back. I want H to voluntarily want back in my life. It will be false to have him return only if I put a gun to his head.
IMO, if he comes back to you but it takes you moving on to wake him up to how important you are to him - that IS voluntary. You are not holding a gun to his head. You aren't threatening to do something to him. You are doing something for you.
Having conditions and requirements about how you will be treated is not forcing him to do anything. He is free to meet your requirements or not. Setting a boundary and taking care of ourselves is not holding a gun to someone's head.
It is a risk, but your friend's opinion, along with the postponements suggest that your H may well fall your way if required, not forced, but required, to choose.
