Donna...thanks for that article. Of course, there are a lot of positives and negatives in that article. My profession, for one.
To sofaraway...both my L and I and have felt that the LG is on my STBW's side throughout this. I don't think her recommendation would be pro FIB. JMO right now as I am not sure.
IMO, this would have been pretty straight forward to settle. STBXW is driving this to court right now.
As mentioned, the state of NY only offers sole custody. Joint custody is only agreed to between two parties. SHOULD the court award custody to STBXW simply based on her being the mom, most likely, I will never see my kids again. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Just noticed that you had rolled you business around the corner here.
Not that I knew you from the start on here but it sure does seem like you are a strengthened man from your odyssey. I am still processing your latest post. It is a real good one chock full of helpful insights you have gained.
Keep finding joy and continue seeking His counsel in all things.
You are getting hung up on sole vs joint. These are just words that really mean nothing. It is the schedule that matters. I know of men with joint custody who have very little contact with the kids and men where the xW has sole custody where they have liberal time with the kids (I am in that group).
The last thing she should want is for the judge to decide. At least that is what her lawyer should be telling her. You can never predict what may happen in court. If she is serious about being a good mom then she may be receptive to agreeing to a fair custody schedule. If she needs to have the "sole" custody designation, so be it; you are going to pay her anyway. But, since she seems on the take no prisoners mindset, out to punish you by taking the kids away, she may push you to trial. Hopefully her lawyers will talk some sense into her.
Stay the course Frank. Work the schedule. That is all that is important. And you WILL see your children Frank, so no more negative thoughts about that.
What Jeff said. I can understand why a court might not like the idea of joint custody unless the parents agree to it, as it could well be asking for years of conflict. But sole custody does not mean that there isn't "visitation" or "parenting time" spelled out. Unless there is a very good reason no court is going to accept an agreement without it. And a parent who has sole custody and tries to eliminate time with the other parent could well end up losing custody, or even being held in contempt of court.
Custody and the parenting schedule are 2 different things.
No one is going to make it such that you wont see your children again. Please drop the dramatics on this topic.
My divorce papers and parenting plan indicates "Joint Custody" or "Joint Legal Custody". That does not dictate any parenting time - simply who has responsibility for major decisions, of which we both share. Sole custody would assign one parent to make those big decisions. And sole custody is probably best when both parents cant be amicable with one another.
There should also be a clause...
Each party shall make day-to-day decisions regarding the care and control of the Minor Children during his/her parenting time. The ability to make decisions includes any emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the Minor Children.
I think that you need to come up with a parenting schedule that will work for you. This should include holidays and vacation. Your L should know how to write one up as they need to be somewhat detailed. For summer vacation, we alternate years on who gets first pick of dates and it must done before April so that the other parent has time to make their proper plans.
I really believe that if your L presents a fair and well thought out parenting plan to the court that it should show that your side as been level headed and wants what is best for the kids.
I tend to agree with Ian in doubting your L's experience in getting this done right. Custody and parenting schedules should have been done first before any haggling over assets/support. There must be a wall between custody and money issues.
If you desire, I can scan my parenting plan and email it to you so that you know what things to put in it.
Kerry is spot on. The only connection between the parenting plan and money issues would be child support amounts, which, at least here, vary depending on the physical time in each home.
Besides time in each home, the disparity in income for each parent and who pays outside child care is used in determining child support.
In my case we are 50/50 on time. I make a lot more than my X, but I also pay for external child care which I can deduct on my taxes. I end up paying her $600 a month in child support for both kids combined.
Good stuff here Frank. Your focus and your lawyer's: do everything for the kids. Nothing less. That is all that matters - avoid EVERYTHING else.
Her focus: punish FIB, take kids away.
That will come out in court and may be enough to win the judge over, despite you being not the mom.
My lawyer told me that if I did have to go to trial I would make an excellent witness b/c I was focused. You need to focus now too. Be that parent - out for the kids, not you. Doubt she can do that. It is all about the kids now - not winning or losing between you and her.
Work the schedule Frank. What do you require?? Or better, what do the KIDS require??
I think, too, that you are getting hung up on wording. Here in MN it is rare for one parent to have full legal custody...
It normally goes joint legal custody with one parent (usually) getting physical custody, althought he trend has been toward joint physical as well
for example...my ex-husband, although he has not had contact at all with my boys in 10+ years has joint legal custody but I have full physical. He was awarded visitation, which he clearly has never used
Cori has joint legal custody with his nutjob but full physical custody...that doesn't mean that his daughter doesn't get to see her mom...just means her HOME is here
I am with Ian...your GAL needs to step it up and you can always request another one as sort of a double duty kind of thing.
don't get hung up on verbage but go for what matters...time with your kids
both my L and I and have felt that the LG is on my STBW's side throughout this. I don't think her recommendation would be pro FIB. JMO right now as I am not sure.
GAL's are supposed to stay impartial and generally do not lean one way or another. You may be surprised at what the GAL recommends.
Quote:
Joint custody is only agreed to between two parties. SHOULD the court award custody to STBXW simply based on her being the mom, most likely, I will never see my kids again.
Really FIB, you really believe this? New York does not offer joint custody, however that does not prevent a judge from seeing a mothers true colors when she negligently does not work out a joint parenting plan with a father who has shown no ill will. This is not the 1960's anymore FIB. The system has changed along with societies view on fathers rights.
Lastly, and I am saying this as your friend Frank, your attitude portrayed on here does not help. PMA dude, Positive Mental Attitude. I would love to see you maybe get into a mindset of not having these super negative moments. The drama that they cause for you have to be overwhelming...Just my opinion buddy.
