I can honestly tell you that until they are ready to hear the truth and are able to receive it, it will go on deaf ears.
Honey, I know you are hurting, and I know that you want to hear that he is sorry for hurting you an turning your world upside down. That the amount of pain he has caused has ripped you apart.
I know, I journaled faithfully for years, and had planned on givng them to him after the Divorce was final. I wanted so much for my Husband to know what he had done to me and the kids.
But some people are not capable of hearing the truth, or apologizing for the pain they have caused. They have remorse, but their pride gets in the way.
(((((hugs)))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am worried that forward is setting herself up too.
But these are her shoes...if she has nothing to lose; then she has nothing to lose.
Forward, more often than not, we do not get answers to the questions we have. Getting to a point where the questions no longer matter... that's a good thing.
His answers no matter what they are, shouldn't define you. You define yourself, by your own questions only you can answer.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I am curious to see how he responds. It will give me some cues on whether I believe he is capable of understanding others' feelings.
Why would that matter to you if you guys aren't reconciling?
B, you could sit him down and tell him how badly he treated you and he might even feel guilty about it and if he's mature enough he might express regret ... but at the end of the day you are just giving him more information about you than he knows what to do with.
My experience has been that my xH knows he behaved appaulingly - he's blocked out the things that hurt me the most (they don't remember the bad stuff so his recollection of things is going to be different to yours and that will breed conflict)- but what my X does remember brings him deep shame.
One of the ways we "let go" is to understand that they'll come to reflect on how they've behaved in their own time in their own journey and that's the most powerful place for it to happen - it's not necessarily up to us to spell it out for them - like it's not up to us to mother them in any other ways.
Do it if you think it will make you feel better - but beware that in doing so you give him another bit of information about you that he may not have the right to own.
You are doing great. I do know how hard this part of the trip is and you are really keeping up.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
When my H and I first spoke in person 3 months post-bomb, I asked him if he had anything to say first. He said only "I'm sorry it's come to this." I did / do not consider that an apology, but it was all he could offer then.
A few weeks later, after I mentioned that I didn't like living alone (pre-DBing), he said that he had had a lot of time to think, and that he imagined I must be happy to be away from all of his angry rants, at least. I said that yes, they were quite abusive. He said "I know, and I'm sorry about that." Which was fine, but when the subject came up again, he dismissed it with "I've already apologized for that." So while I heard and accept his apology, he really didn't understand the damage those rants did to my well-being and self-esteem.
That said, after 40 years together, I see his guilt and remorse every time we meet. I don't know that I really need any further verbal apologies, as words come easy to a MLCer and can't be trusted. How he treats me going forward, whether together or not, is far more important, and I choose to focus on that instead.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Just to let you know I have received a couple of apologies.
At times I've witnessed moments of clarity.
I once remember getting a phone call. There was a "hello" I could hardly hear, then a long pause. I asked if she was ok and in a tiny broken voice heard "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I have treated you so awful." "I don't know why,I am so confused."
A week or so later she was mlc full tilt once again.
I have been divorced for about seven months now. A few months ago I received over the course of a couple of conversations somewhat of an indirect apology. Then back to crazy once again.
Trapt, Your situation has been one of the ones where you say Hmm. Maybe there is something to the MLC syndrome. Painful as it is when it is too little too late, at least it is SOMETHING.
I kind of feel like I've been obliterated, erased. I feel as if this is a way to say "I am a person, too, and I am NOT going to have my feelings and experience denied. I have feelings, too."
Walking, I am interested in seeing how he responds because I have found myself wondering if he is capable of seeing me as a person. The answer to that gives me some ideas on the types of boundaries that I need to have, going forward.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Yes mine has been an interesting one for sure. We were actually even together so to speak about a month after the D was filed.
It's nearly impossible for me to ever tell what is real or where her head is at on any given day.
I feel your boundaries should be for you. Plain and simple. You really shouldn't base them on a guess at what he is capable of. Make them for you and only you. : )
I have gotten tons of crying, apologies, please take me back, etc. etc. but NO real improvement. Back to crazy shortly thereafter. So, would it do any good to take him back? Nope.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I am interested in seeing how he responds because I have found myself wondering if he is capable of seeing me as a person. The answer to that gives me some ideas on the types of boundaries that I need to have, going forward
.
I get that. It will be important for you with your little one to figure out how to co-parent and realistic boundaries are going to be critical to that.
Quote:
I kind of feel like I've been obliterated, erased. I feel as if this is a way to say "I am a person, too, and I am NOT going to have my feelings and experience denied. I have feelings, too."
I understand that too - only you and and I also know that it's none of anyone elses business how we feel - and as long as you know that your experiences and feelings have happened, have near wiped you out(!) have taught you stuff, have led to making you the you that you are now ... they can never be denied.
In terms of being erased/obliterated? Get out of town! You are one of the least obliterated people I've ever typed to. Don't give him that power over you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
