I have no idea where to start today - but have so many things running though my head and since I am work, I don't have the jounral I have been writing in the last few days, and need to get some of this stuff out of my head.
Yesterday, we had Bday party for my son (he's 16 today!) and my father in law. I managed to get through it with a smile on my face most of the time for son's sake. At the end, my wife's terminally ill 89 year old grandmother said to me "I'm sorry for your loss - only you can put it back together". She literally may die any day now and that just might be the last thing she ever says to me. I know I should control my emotions, but that made me cry in front of everyone. I wasn't the only one though - lots of tears as everyone watched her being taken out in a wheelchair.
I have tried not to have R talks with wife, but they just come up, since everything seems to be tied to our R. She said this weekend, "I am not excited to leave you, but I am excited to feel safe and not threatened". Yes, we had problems for years, but that damn night when I violated her is the reason she finally decided to get out. I know we shouldn't believe everything we hear, but in this case, I think she's being honest. Sure, we still sleep in the same bed now, but she can do that because as she says "you don't feel you have the right to me now". She thinks that if she stayed, I would eventually go back to my old ways of treating her like a "piece of meat". I think that's one of the reasons my dbing keeps falling apart - I believe she needs time away from me to heal and forgive. If in that time, she realizes she is happier away from me, or finds someone else, than letting her leave will have been the wrong thing for our marriage and for me. If on the other hand, I can finally apply db principles and she chooses to come back to me, I would be the happiest man on earth.
I tossed and turned all night last night trying to get it together. Today, I put on new clothes I bought recently and told myself I can do better. Until, I detach from my wife, I think I will continue to falter. Everything she does, still affects me. I think of her and us constantly. I try not to let her know these things. I only tell them here, because it's safe and if the Pros are ever going to help me, I need to be honest.
In my moments of clarity, I know my wife is already gone. The physical move may not be until December 1st, but she is gone. She is safe. The trick is to move on without her and not wait until later. I know that. Doing it is another thing - when I ache inside every day and just want us back. Again - please let me be honest here. I won't let my wife see or fail my pain.
I know how you feel about sundays. That was the day that WAS and I spent the whole day together. But you can reclaim that day. Still do the stuff that you two liked to do. But introduce something new to it. That way it has changed and becomes your day. Remember before it was your day. But you shared it with your wife. Enjoyed it with your wife. Now you gotta learn to enjoy it for yourself. Then down the road when you share that day out. Your enjoying it for yourself and you are enjoying that your sharing it out freely. Unconditional love. This is just a little piece to the that puzzle. Well thats what I think. If I am a little off on that thought, then I would like some advice there.
Remember that she is excited about leaving because its new and exciting. The self has taken over.
You need to be excited as well. Its a new life for you as well. Reguardless of the outcome. This is a new life for you. You can take the negatives of all this and have a horrorable second half. Or you can learn, adapt, become a better Indy. A better Indy will be a better person to himself, children, family and future partner. Positive things happen to positive people.
Indy no matter what. NO R TALK.
WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?
Seriously
List each item with the starting words...
I would like....
Then take the top 5 and rewrite them to start with the words
I choose....
Then we can help you towards those goals.
Take a day or two to really think about this and write down what ever hits your mind. You should come up with a list of 50 items or so... No Item too small. O.K.
WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?
Time to start swimming up stream for a change.
Cutter - I would love to reclaim Sunday - or any down time for that matter. Right now, downtime means my mind thinks of all the bad stuff. I hate that. I try to keep busy, but unless it's something that takes 100% concentration, my mind still goes. I am hoping my counselor will help with that.
As I said earlier, I'm not so sure she is excited about leaving. More about feeling safe and not used. I know I should have made it more difficult to leave and start her new life, but I didn't. I relaize I am allowing her to cake eat, by going on the XMAS vacation, having full access to the kids and house after her move out, but I'm putting my kids needs first. They may be teenagers, but they love her deeply. So much so, that they are happy for her. Seriously.
I think it may be a little late for no R talk. We have had so many. But that's one db principal, even I can handle from here forward. Seems like it's the easy way out for her, but it's a fundamental of dbing, so I'm there.
As for what life, I want - I don't think any of the pros would like the answer that comes to mind first, so I better take a while to think of it.
Ok...got all that off my chest (but not my mind - dammit) time to concentrate on work. That is why they give me this desk........
I have tried not to have R talks with wife, but they just come up, since everything seems to be tied to our R. She said this weekend, "I am not excited to leave you, but I am excited to feel safe and not threatened". Yes, we had problems for years, but that damn night when I violated her is the reason she finally decided to get out. I know we shouldn't believe everything we hear, but in this case, I think she's being honest. Sure, we still sleep in the same bed now, but she can do that because as she says "you don't feel you have the right to me now". She thinks that if she stayed, I would eventually go back to my old ways of treating her like a "piece of meat".
Just so that I have it on record, I think that's a big load o' bullshit.
Or..her comments? Or just how much the violation makes her want out?
Puppy, we had lots of issues over the years and she always stayed with me and worked at our R when I didn't, but this time she made the decision to go.
I have tried not to have R talks with wife, but they just come up, since everything seems to be tied to our R.
Just so that I have it on record, I think that's a big load o' bullshit.
Puppy
"...But they just come up because everything seems to be tied into our R...." - wow... you must be the only one whoever felt like that....
Indy you have an excuse for everything, you have to learn to STOP doing that.
If your wife brings up relationship talk, here is what you will do, keep your responses to 1-3 words and offer no direction or answers, "Yes", "I agree", "Yes I agree", "You're right".
That's pretty much the way you will respond to any relationship talk she brings up. That should cover 99% of any topic she'll have for you regarding the relationship.
Don't start any other conversations either, you will start to become silent.
I guess we can only ask that you do this, tomorrow you'll come up with an excuse that will start like "but she said this, .... and she did this...."
I think she's making excuses for her own decision to cut and run from her marriage.
I think if and when you guys reconcile -- or even if you don't, and someday she comes to grips with the truth of her decisions -- she will tell you that it was b.s., and that she was using this as an excuse.
I think she's re-writing your marital history to justify her waywardness.
I'm NOT excusing your behavior; I just think she's magnifying it, smelling your (justifiable) weakness on the issue, and using that as her excuse to flee the marriage.
"I am not excited to leave you, but I am excited to feel safe and not threatened".
Your job as a husband is to make your wife feel secure, I don't care if that sounds sexist or not, that's your job. And you failed that job, your wife even gives you clues about this but you continue to keep walking around in your own fog not understanding how she can so easily give up the relationship she has with you.
She doesn't feel secure with you. All she knows is that when the $hit hits the fan, you're there to protect & take care of yourself first and her afterwards. That's what she is used to. You don't make her feel secure & protected, so much so that living apart from you will enable her to feel more safe.
Are you grasping this idea yet?
Your wife is actually giving you some answers on your problems.
And if you expand on the answers... Get up and leave. If she asks why. Just say. " I am going to think on that for awhile " Walk away. NO R TALK.
As someone who wants to help you. I gave you a task for you to complete. Its your choice to complete this task. I really think you should. It will help you help yourself. This can be a start. It will also give you something else to think about.
Have not given up hope for you yet....
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I think she's making excuses for her own decision to cut and run from her marriage.
I think if and when you guys reconcile -- or even if you don't, and someday she comes to grips with the truth of her decisions -- she will tell you that it was b.s., and that she was using this as an excuse.
I think she's re-writing your marital history to justify her waywardness.
I'm NOT excusing your behavior; I just think she's magnifying it, smelling your (justifiable) weakness on the issue, and using that as her excuse to flee the marriage.
Puppy
"smelling your (justifiable) weakness on the issue"
Indy you and I are around the same time frame since the bomb...
You need to get over this self pity bs and step up to the plate. Its very frustrating to you and everyone who is currently in your life. You are writing the escape plan for your WAS.... If you do not belive that. Start harping about something else for a few days to her... And you will see she will write that into her script as well. STOP.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
