If you get the swine flu, James Bond (aka Sean Connery in his prime or Daniel Craig now - you choose), will come in and wisk you away to where the Brits have the antidote ready and waiting.
Hi everyone, thanks for all your good wishes, I am on the mend now! Rob you are right, its not THAT bad, not as bad as regular proper flu. It felt like instant bronchitis and makes your lungs ache and ribcage feel bruised, so I can imagine how those who are weaker, with lung/breathing problems could get quite ill. BUT.. I felt worse last year with that bronchitis and tonsilitis together so you certainly dont feel like you're dying! Rob, Bobbi, I hope both your kids are ok??
So, I read last week a sentence on Micheal Lutins daily that gave me a sense of foreboding. He said Chiron goes forwards again next week. This represents our 'wounds' - our inner hurt and demons and source of pain and suffering. With it going direct, all should be well, but, as he said "...have you ever looked into the eyes of a clown?".
Theres that theory that clowns (and stand up comedians) are really terrible depressives who are laughing on the outside and dying inside. BF always said to him I knew him better than anyone and summed him up correctly as having "the tears of a clown".
So Chiron went direct just as he confessed (with some prodding from me).. that he IS depressed again, feels negative, discontented etc, but doesnt know why, like he hasnt his whole life, but that its NOT to do with me. What a difference to this time 2 years ago, when he got angry when I suggested he was depressed and it wasnt the R..In fact he thanked me last night for being "his greatest advisor and biggest supporter and thats one of the many reasons I love you so much". He asked for help and finally got the EAP phone number from work (but "couldnt face" ringing it last night, ditto making a doctors appointment). I told him to buy brazil nuts and googled it and discovered selenium works for depression. He was snuggly and quiet last night. He still shows no interest in ML (besides the flu). His mouth is downturned, he cant make decisions and he cant deak with the littlest stressful things which are part of life (letters from the bank etc), so I have to.
My chiron direct coincided with a little voice in my head finally forming a sentence... "I'm not sure I can stay with you for the rest of my life if this is what its going to be like". It got so strong I was afraid I would blurt it out to him. In a moment of clarity I realised this is what it was like for him, back in 2004-2007, dealing with me getting ill alot and being negative and no fun for 2 1/2 years. Its taken me a few months to feel the effects, but he is slower than me to process things. I suddenly felt in his shoes and how he could have felt so fed up, 'snapped' and got to the point of saying to me, as he did at the bomb "I'm not sure we have a future together anymore". Like him leading up to that, I now darent voice any dissatisfaction with him or our R, as he is not well and its not his fault and it would only make him worse.
I suddenly feel like what he said back then wasnt such a wicked thing afterall but a matter of survival of the self. I have noticed I am getting effected - life is a bit depressing living with a depressed person.
This time around though, he is being more honest and he did buy the nuts and says he will make the appointment today and I am not so negative as him, so as Kalni is still saying (hi K!).. "we'll see".
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I suddenly feel like what he said back then wasnt such a wicked thing afterall but a matter of survival of the self. I have noticed I am getting effected - life is a bit depressing living with a depressed person.
Boy, ain't that the truth!
Like you say, he's being honest and open about the way he is feeling. That is awesome progress. Depression is such a wicked thing. It takes over absolutely everything in your life and makes everything seem dark. I understand the way he is feeling. Depression is a long term problem with no quick fix. I hope he will call the EAP line and talk to someone very soon. They can direct him in ways that you might not be able to since you're too invested in his life. You know, outsiders opinion and all that. You know how therapy works, all you can do is keep encouraging him to seek help without pushing him.
Keep sharing Ali. It's very interesting to hear the progress (and the lack of progress in some ways) and I'm sure you are helping a lot of people here to understand more about their WAS's.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are still in bed, but it is good to hear that you're just "sick" and not suffering miserably. You should be passing out of the "heavy" stuff soon.
My D is just fine now, but thanks for asking. She took something like TamaFlu and feels fine now. She stayed out of school for 2 days, but is back now and full of her usual energy.
It is interesting to read what you've discovered about BF and his depression and it is a very positive thing for you to be able to realize and verbalize (to yourself and the DB boards). Getting this out should help you as you continue to move forward as it gives you some clarity and a bit of grounding to keep you protected in case things go south again.
As for BF, I can only hope he gets help for himself b/c until he is better and starts to believe in himself, he'll never be able to be there for you. I'm learning this in my own sitch.
Hey, thanks Mish, thanks for rooting for me! I do need to keep posting it seems! Rob, its such a turnaround and when I look back now, alot of the 'dramas' in our R (like how we didnt get together in 96 but did in 99, my later EA, how we missed out on a house in 2001).. were all linked to his depressive episodes. Of course we didnt know that then, or I didnt, it was only verbalised after he left me.
So he's very down, but after we researched it, he spent �50 on supplements! (5HTP, Folic Acid, B vits, Selenium and Flaxseed/Omega oils).. he's very very committed to solving this. He's been on the Brazil nuts since Thursday and he has some more sport arranged so he may have 4 fixtures a week now. I talked to him briefly about Passionate Marriage and just the theory of being a "differentiated person" may help him to be more his own man.. he asked me to find it and wants to read it with me. Lastly, he DID make the doctors appointment for this week and will ask for blood tests, but.. he is not showing signs of being able to get into any kind of therapy or counselling so far, which is a shame.
He's losing his hair, which we think is stress. Alot has fallen out since we got back together in May (!) and he looks different to when we were in Greece even. He is very upset about this (and me).
So, I'm having a bit of a hard time, but he's really trying this time and is glad I am helping too. He just came to hug me and said "I'm sorry I'm like this, I know its so hard on you and I hate it too.. ", I suggested we play scrabble and he looked pleased at that! So I'm off to do that and between you and me, I am going to let him win... (well, he is a Leo and he's depressed enough without losing on top!!) xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
K, seriously, I have bought him lamb every week since we got back from Greece! From our research it seems he should be on a high protein, low carb diet for depression. I cooked him protein all weekend.
He stopped taking his ADs the day before Greece and his hair has fallen out alot since.. I found one website that made a link between stopping ADs and hair loss. Has anyone here heard of that? I also told him he should get his blood tested, that me and you got depressed when we were anaemic.
This morning I asked bf what the date was (I knew), he calmly said 2nd November, so he has no idea..today is 2 years since the bomb, when he ended it so abrubtly and stuck to it for 18 months. I woke up at 5 am sad and a bit stressed..its been a hard weekend with him sucking everything into a black void. Because he is like this, I can no longer mention anything about the bomb, the past, Helen, our future etc.
I found myself looking at my old threads. Two years ago today, I emailed him, imploring him to seek help for his depression. He didnt reply, but came in the door at 5pm, sat me down and announced
"I dont love you anymore, my feelings have changed for good and I'm leaving you. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, I love you like a mate." He said that he wanted to be on his own, he couldnt explain or give me reasons, other than this was the right thing for him. He said I know its selfish and its the opposite of what you want, but I'm 100% sure this is right for me. I'm absolutely certain. He said he had more confidence now where he didnt have any before. He said that he just wants to "draw a line under it and move on, put the past behind me". When I asked if bereavement had clouded his mind, he said no, quite the opposite, it had given him clarity as "my Dad was unhappy all his life" and that lifes short and makes me realise I'm doing the right thing. He also said he wasnt depressed and isnt going to snap out of it."
..two years on, we are back to 'normal' and his depression dominated our weekend. Lifes wierd isnt it?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
