Sad To Be Back 4 Years After The Bust

[robx]

I used to love Sundays - the one day the whole family was home and we had our Sunday night family dinner together. Today, is Sunday and I am hating it. While we are existing in the house for another month, that's it - existing. It makes me so sad.

I went to church this morning, kepy myself busy with house chores and our best couple friends just stopped by. It all just made me more sad rather than feel better. It sucks that down time is no longer enjoyable. I know...I know...GAL. Easy to say, tough to get a life you don't want.

We are having birthday dinner for son and my father in law later today at restaraunt my wife manages. I know I need to go for my son's sake, but I will be acting the whole time.

Very bad day today. And to make it worse it seems like wife is in no way sad that a 21 year relationship is ending. Yes, she feels bad for kids, but is excited about leaving me. I HATE that.

UGGG!!!
Talking to you is painful, you don't listen and you don't take advice and you apparently don't want to change.

Yes your wife probably isn't sad that a 21 year relationship is ending if this is how you're going to be always.

Tough getting a life you don't want - maybe.

Tough having a life you don't want - definitely!

And that's how your wife feels right now, are you able to see that? The life she currently has with you isn't what she wants. But because you still want it as is, she should want it too? Is that your logic? Why should she want it if you want it?

She wants someone different, someone exciting, someone who isn't boring, predictable, someone who isn't easy - easy isn't exciting.

As for the trip thing, of course she's going to go & enjoy a trip and it isn't because of the family. She's gotten past the point of feeling responsible & obligated to your family - if she still felt that way about your family, I'm sure she wouldn't make this decision. She's going on the trip with you & the kids because it's one last item at your expense and she figures "why not!" Seriously, her opinion of you is someone who is quasi pathetic, trying to buy her love with trips & money and by doing so you're demonstrating that you are low value to her and she is high value now, she's picked herself up from where she was and determined she deserves better. She has no problem using you for a trip or money or anything else like that because she doesn't respect you enough to take your feelings into account, if she took your feelings into consideration, she probably wouldn't go on the trip, she would have the thought of "I can't go on this trip with him, he's going to think it means something that I'm coming and I don't want to mislead him" but she is way past that, she is at the point where she's thinking "free trip, awesome! separate rooms, awesome! a vacation on his dime, awesome! I'm moving out after the trip, awesome! awesome! when is he going to get a clue LOL!"

You're sitting on these forums complaining about how bad life is and she's tired of that wussy unattractive behavior as well. You said it yourself:

"...And to make it worse it seems like wife is in no way sad that a 21 year relationship is ending. Yes, she feels bad for kids, but is excited about leaving me. I HATE that. "

This says a few things:
- she should feel different, she should feel the way I think she should feel (controlling)
- she is excited about leaving me, I hate that (I can't control her life and my life is spiraling out of control)
- a 21 year relationship apparently means something to you, what does it mean that your wife doesn't share that feeling, is it because she feels like she is escaping a life with you that she possibly considers is a prison of some sort? When a person is excited about leaving another person, what does that say about the relationship? What does it say about you that you are apparently clueless as to how bad the relationship is that you still want it but she doesn't? Have you looked at your relationship objectively and really identified all of the bad things that made it into what it is today?

I'm not asking you to take responsibility for her actions.

I am asking you to take responsibility for your actions.

I am asking you to start doing things differently in your life if you want different results.

I am asking you to stop making excuses as to why you can't do a certain thing or things to change the direction of your life and the relationship you're in.

I am asking you to be consistent in your actions and not give up after 3-4 hours, days, weeks, months, etc.

When are you going to get it Indy?

[Coach]

I am asking you to start doing things differently in your life if you want different results.

I am asking you to start doing things differently in your life if you want different results.

I am asking you to start doing things differently in your life if you want different results.

Me too.

It works.

Handle it.

Cheers

[robx]

- I think there's an echo in here ;-)

[ClingingToHope]

OK, I'm going to give the guy a break. Sometimes it takes a kick in the gut to get moving. It's taken me several and I still backslide into the "it wasn't so bad" mentality.

So yes, I'll agree it's tough having to act happy when your life is crumbling. So take a deep breath and get through it.

[BeTheMan]

I said I wouldn't make further comments about the trip, so let's consider this me correcting some errors made by RobX. The trip is being paid for our of our money, not mine. Wife is fine with us staying in same room, but I am not. She has clealry stated to me that I should not read anything into the trip.

As for her wanting someone exciting and better, of ocurse she does. And of course, I want to be that person. I'm just simply not there yet. And I know I give up after 3-4 hours, days or whatever.

Today, for the first time ever, son and I worked out together. It helps with 2 of my goals: work on me and develop better relationship with my kids. It was great while we were doing it, but as soon as it was over, I was right back to feeling like crap.

I know you "pros" are fed up with me and you have the right to be. Heck, I am fed up with me too.

I have no idea how I am going to find the strength within myself to be consistent in my actions to make my life something I am happy with. I have gone to a counselor, gone to church, found a divorce support group, and so far none of it has made a difference.

I gotta do more.

[TrentC]

I am asking you to start doing things differently in your life if you want different results.

I am asking you to stop making excuses as to why you can't do a certain thing or things to change the direction of your life and the relationship you're in.

I am asking you to be consistent in your actions and not give up after 3-4 hours, days, weeks, months, etc.

If you are willing to "do anything" to try to save your relationship then it seems silly to discount GALing and 180s, not pursuing, etc. as being worth the effort.

If I told you that you could absolutely save your marriage if you dressed different, showed more interest in getting out and doing stuff, or took up a new hobby, and kept it up, wouldn't that be worth it?

Well, I can't give you the 100% guarantee. But it's like the Powerball ad i heard on the radio:

"Odd are 1 in 3 million that you will win something if you play. They are much higher if you don't."

[Gardener]

"Odd are 1 in 3 million that you will win something if you play. They are much higher if you don't."

Or as New York's Lottery commercials say, "Hey, Ya never know..."

[chatterbug]

I know how you feel about sundays. That was the day that WAS and I spent the whole day together. But you can reclaim that day. Still do the stuff that you two liked to do. But introduce something new to it. That way it has changed and becomes your day. Remember before it was your day. But you shared it with your wife. Enjoyed it with your wife. Now you gotta learn to enjoy it for yourself. Then down the road when you share that day out. Your enjoying it for yourself and you are enjoying that your sharing it out freely. Unconditional love. This is just a little piece to the that puzzle. Well thats what I think. If I am a little off on that thought, then I would like some advice there.

Remember that she is excited about leaving because its new and exciting. The self has taken over.

You need to be excited as well. Its a new life for you as well. Reguardless of the outcome. This is a new life for you. You can take the negatives of all this and have a horrorable second half. Or you can learn, adapt, become a better Indy. A better Indy will be a better person to himself, children, family and future partner. Positive things happen to positive people.

Indy no matter what. NO R TALK.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?

Seriously

List each item with the starting words...

I would like....


Then take the top 5 and rewrite them to start with the words

I choose....

Then we can help you towards those goals.

Take a day or two to really think about this and write down what ever hits your mind. You should come up with a list of 50 items or so... No Item too small. O.K.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?

Time to start swimming up stream for a change.

[Gardener]

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?

Seriously

List each item with the starting words...

I would like....


Then take the top 5 and rewrite them to start with the words

I choose....

Then we can help you towards those goals.

Take a day or two to really think about this and write down what ever hits your mind. You should come up with a list of 50 items or so... No Item too small. O.K.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT ?

Time to start swimming up stream for a change.

Gardener likes this
Oh boy, another item on the ol' To-Do List
Seriously, though, thanks, cutter

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good stuff, Cutter!

Puppy