Originally Posted By: Donna...Found But there are other things to work on - that, given the number of people who have decided that I'm "not worth it," maybe there is truth in that and things to look at and improve on.
I really don't post a lot but do read here on this site.
Can I say Donna that that statement spoke to me because that has been my thoughts also... but I have come to this reasoning that as a young child I was conditioned to expect less from everyone that entered into my life and that I let that belief guide me to people that treated me in the way that I expected to be treated.
WOW Mamamo......that was an excellent way of putting it. Same experience here. I was taught to expect other people to treat me with total disregard to my feelings so I never expected much of anyone. The way you put that really opened my eyes. Thanks.
Donna sweetie....how was Halloween for ya?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
1) Really, really, really give up trying to be right. It is really OK if you were wrong. It is really OK if you are two people who should have gotten D.
2) Accept this: Accepting that I am better off with my M being over does NOT mean that I didn't love H, nor that he didn't love me. Our M worked for awhile, and then it didn't work.
3) Stop waiting in the wings. Imagine yourself sitting outside XH's new house in a car, waiting just in case he decides to come out and say hi. Pretty disprespectful, pretty stalkerlike, pretty bad way to treat yourself. The idea turns your stomach a bit, no? But, this is exactly what you are doing to yourself. It doesn't matter if you are physically present, emotionally, you are sitting on the curb. Stay there, and you'll just keep getting run over. You have much better ways to spend your life :-)
4) DUMP your X-family. You seem to keep wanting to prove something to yourself by hanging onto them. Guess what? THEY AREN'T YOUR FAMILY. They are going to live in a way that makes them comfortable as a family that includes your XH. This is not going to be a family that includes you as a member. Quit taking it personally. Quit waiting for them to be something they are not. They are not your family, they never will be. It is unhealthy for you to continue to expect them to treat you as a family member. They won't. You aren't.
5) Do a whole lot more to get a life a a single woman. Make sure you are sexually satisfied. Make sure you are getting out as an adult in ways that have nothing to do with being a mother or family member. When you date, expect very nearly all of your dates to go badly and most Rs to end. This is NORMAL and says nothing about you. To expect otherwise is unrealistic. That's why we have to date to begin with, lol.
Just got my kids back from the weekend last night. We were all tired and got to bed pretty early. They had a good time and brought home lots of candy.
I didn't get all tied up with not being able to see them on Halloween - helped that I was busy. I went to a scarf-dying event and had a chance to get very creative. Brought a friend from school with me. We went out afterwards for lunch. I went home and took a nap (the best on rainy days!), then got up and met a friend for a movie (ZombieLand). Stopped to shop a little, then home for some more scary movies. I talked with the kids for a quick minute in the middle of all that - they were on their way out to get candy, so just said a quick Goodnight.
Yesterday, went to church early to finish the scarves. Also had to change out the altar decorations (there is some other fancy word that I can't remember!). Had fun being creative again, and got loads of compliments afterwards. It is still weird to be climbing around on the altar. Had a chance to catch up with another mom who went through her D around the same time - she is still having lots of problems with her x and her S10, and she has much more open resentment toward her x that she shares with her S. Made me realize that, while I am still struggling with it, I am aware and trying very hard, doing a pretty good job most of the time.
More shopping, another nap, straightened the house, spoke with my old college friend...weekend over! *******
I went back and read the last few pages here...
I wonder, am I still "hung up" on x, and that is why I have such issues with gf being in my kids' lives? I don't think so. He is who he has proven himself to be, and as long as I keep re-reading the "complaint" list I made about him and our marriage, I know that I am better off without him. (I was thinking about this - x was such a huge part of my life for more than 20 years, seems that I have to wait for cell turn-over to get him "out of my system!" So, I will keep reading my list to keep those rose-colored glasses the he11 off my face!)
But the thing with gf doesn't seem to be as directly related. She can have him. I don't care what he does with her when they are together. I am bothered by her time with my children...I think it may be because we were also "friends," and she betrayed me directly.
Again, I realize how completely beyond my control this is, and that I have to come to terms with it. I don't feel like I am sitting on x's curb, waiting for him to come home. But I was also late to the anger and blame party - hope to blow through it as quickly as I can, knowing that it only goes to hurt me and build my resentment. Neither of them could care less if I'm angry (actually adds fuel to their self-righteousness fire).
OT, x's family are officially dumped. I came to the same conclusions you outlined, and I'm ok with it. The R I have with his parents has transformed to friends - I thanked her for the invitation to Thanksgiving, but said that I had made plans. I tell you, going through all I've had certainly puts things into perspective. Loosing his family, while not a happy thing, is definitely much easier to get over.
My single life - well, I outlined what I did for the weekend at the beginning of this post. I think the big thing missing is dating, so may look to add that in, in the not-too-distant future. Funny - the one area I can think of to look at examples of adult dating is at Seinfeld. Wonder where those people met all those dates?
As for other single-Donna things: Zumba on Wednesdays church - Spirituality discussion 2x/month Altar decorating Sunday school teacher Board of Directors for local Preschool Full-time Art teacher, mentor to new teachers I'll be running a 5-week program after school at a local modern art museum with kids this month, too Building some new friendships with other singles - all my other friends are married, and we don't hang out like I used to (awkward third-wheel thing? IDK...) Taking control of my house (again/still!!) - using FlyLady to build up routines and get things on autopilot.
Got back onto EHarmony...we'll see if anything comes of that. I still look at POF from time to time.
Might get doggie into obedience classes on Saturdays. Will be looking at joining a gym / taking dance lessons after the first of the year.
So, things seem to have settled again for me, emotionally. Hope it was just another "click" moment on my journey.
OT, I like the way you say things. I can agree wholeheartedly with most everything you just said above. Item 5 gives me a little trouble as I would imagine it probably does Donna, but in time that might change. Who knows!
What have you done just for you lately Donna?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I was looking forward to a nice dinner with the kids, then talking about what holiday traditions/activities they wanted to repeat/add/drop. I am trying to follow Flylady and cruising through the holidays so I don't get all overwhelmed.
Sounds good, right? S14 had other ideas. He was grumpy and tired from watching the ball game the night before. Just miserable. I should never have caved, and he is not watching it tomorrow. Too tired to do anything I asked him, just stuck his face into the computer for a few hours (I HATE farmville!) Neither of them would eat the roast beef. D10 was better but distracted with beading and making up songs. So, I planned some things myself while we sat together at the table.
And having to work around holidays is just sucky. I keep telling myself that they are only numbers on a calendar - we can have our holiday any day we want. That helps a bit. But it was lopsided this year, anyway. Still not sure how he ended up with Easter, July 4th, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve this year. But my big thing is having the kids wake up here for Christmas morning (D still wants to believe in Santa, and its probably the last year).
Just a crappy end to a crappy day...we had all-day PD at school, with more than 2 hours wasted and then another 4 frustrating as we tried to write curriculum. Blech.
All that makes me look around at all that has to be done, then woe-is-me wants to slide in that I have to do it all alone, beating myself up for not having it all done, etc. Nipped that in the bud, but know that it comes out when my mood goes down.
Bed early - some days are just good to bring to a close sooner rather than later.
! That was FRICKIN' HYSTERICAL!
