You sound good. I'm glad I caught you here. It seems strange to think back and really understand what we were trying to do -save our families. What we did not know then was that we could not do that. Only our X's/STBX's could. They held all the power.
I know I mentioned my nephew the Marine to you while you were in Iraq. I think he was there when you were. His X sent him a Dear John Email while he was there and the Marines actually allowed him to cut his 3rd tour short and go home. He tried just like we did and he also failed. But I don't know how much of a failure it was. His X had to move away from PA because the owner of the business where her lover worked was fired when the ex-Marine boss found out about what they did. They moved and married one another and took my nephew's kids with them. His crazy X last New Years Eve was put in jail for spousal abuse and they are now divorced. My nephew now has full custody of his kids and married the perfect woman this past April.
Karma? I believe so. Your STBX will get what she gives. I just got the re-mastered Beatle's Abbey Road Albumn. "And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make"
I hope your kids are doing well with this transition FL.
Yes, you do sound good FLTC! It's great to see you standing strong throughout this whole mess. You've come a long way, baby I'm glad Gym woman is there for ya.
Freddy Krueger just stuck her hand out of the lake, just in time for Halloween! It's STBX's weekend with the kids. S11 has a hockey game at 7PM on HALLOWEEN(!) an hour away from home.
She asks me to take him to the game so that she can stay at home and pass out candy to the neighborhood kids, so when he comes home at 8:30 it can "be a fun, fun Halloween".
Instead of setting the expectations with him, or telling the coach "Who the fu&k schedules hockey games on Halloween at 8PM for 11 year olds?", she pulls me into the jet stream!
I flat out told her no. D16 chimes in that she thought it was a "crappy thing for me to do" at which point I told her to "stay out of it".
STBX LOVES to set up scenarios to make me look like the "awful, detachmed, non custodial father". Instead of just dealing with S11, the game AND MANAGING EXPECTATIONS, she pulls me into it to set me up!
She's a master maniuplator. I continue to despise her (yeah, yeah...forgivness is a gift you give yourself.......I got it, but she is such an as&hole!)
In a marriage each spouse covers the other when there's a split with commitments like Halloween and poorly timed hockey games. In a divorce and separation these needs have to be broached ahead of time. Setting boundaries, like you did, is a good thing even if it makes you seem like the bad guy.
It's one thing to be asked, another to be told.
Instead of feeling manipulated, look at the big picture.. and see what works best for you, your boundaries and your children.
In a divorce and separation these needs have to be broached ahead of time. Setting boundaries, like you did, is a good thing even if it makes you seem like the bad guy.
I agree Gypsy. I had a similair conversation with a friend last night regarding my D11. She is invited to a Halloween party tonight, her dad's weekend. She asked me if I was picking her up from the party because dad said it was my responsibility to get her to his house. It is my responsibility to get her there Friday at 5:00....after that it is his job to take her where she needs/wants to go. D22 told me he has no intention of taking her or picking her up. My friend said if she was in the situation, she would make sure her daughter got to go, even if it means changing my plans. But it isn't my responsibility, nor is it my time with the kids. (My X threatened to call the sherriffs regarding custody violation because he wasn't going to take S10 to baseball practice during his scheduled visitation so I said I would do it.) X never said anything to me about the Friday night party for D11 and she thinks she is going. Luckily I heard D22 talking to her boyfriend and she said something about taking D11 to the party. I am so greatful to have my adult daughters who will pick up the slack that X leaves in his wake of selfishness!!!
Quote:
Instead of feeling manipulated, look at the big picture.. and see what works best for you, your boundaries and your children.
I tried to tell my friend that I cannot, nor should I have to, cover all of his inadequacies! I won't be manipulated and tried to be portrayed das the bad guy either. I have very clear boundaries!!!!
You know what you're doing with your X FLTC! Keep it up!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
What would you like to bet that because of the lousy scheduling there are a lot of no-shows at that hockey game anyway? I'd bet it even gets called for that very reason.
D17 is in the middle of applying to college. She is a smart kid and seems to have the eating disorder thing in check, thankfully......
I currently give STBX $3500 a month (support for HER and child support)
D17 took my charge card yesterday without me knowing and S11 found it under a pillow on my bed and returned it to me. I was furious at D17, and felt totally betrayed.
I asked her why she took it, and she said to pay for college applications (She has applied to about 15 colleges. WAY too many, and each of them is roughly $60! She's got about a 4.2 average, but I don't believe she'll get into the schools she wants, like Princeton or Dartmouth. She's a student and doesn't do much else. She used to excel in sports and did a whole bunch of community service pre-bulimia, but no mas!)
She asked me to pay for them, after she took the card, but I was so furious, that I couldn't even respond.
She told me STBX would not pay for the applications and told her to "Ask her father".
I hate getting into the adult mechanics of a divorce, but I told D17 that I provided her mother with a substantial amount of money each month for just such a purpose. I feel this another attempt by STBX to "Squeeze me" and make me look bad.
D17 then shoots back that "You can afford to take Gym Woman out to dinner, but you won't pay for my college applications"
I resisted the urge to explode, and then informed her she was in territory she knew nothing about.
Am I way off base to insist that STBX use SOME of the $3500 to pay for applications? I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING BLACKMAILED!
I'm glad Gym woman is there for ya.