She really just wants me to give her space and respect her boundaries. I forced her into leaving by not respecting her requests for that. If I had kept my hands off her, she would feel safe and would likely not feel the need to be away from me.
You have no way of knowing that, Indy. This forum (and others like it, all over the internet) are FILLED with stories of walkaways, and some of their spouses did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. She may have been wayward anyway, you don't know.
All you can do is "The Right Thing," and that is to stop smothering her, stop expecting from her, and GIVE HER SPACE, which you're now doing.
Puppy - In our case, I did do something wrong. Hell, it was legally and morally wrong. And that one night I admitted here, was only the most extreme example.
My wife has clearly stated that horrible night was the last straw. But other things like it (touching her while she slept etc) made her feel used and disrespected. So, yes, she was wayward before, but really mostly due to the same issues. Even in the last 2 months, when she would give a little, I would expect more and try to take it. Yes, we had other issues, but they could have been dealt with.
It may be too late for me to save our marriage by finally giving her what she needs. But I figure there is never truly a wrong time to do the right thing.
I saw a counsellor for the first time in my life last night. Good guy who is easy to talk to. He basically just let me rattle on for the hour,and I am seeing him next week. I also found a Divoce Support group at a local church and am going to go for the first time on Monday. I met the leader and he gave me a copy of the Love Dare.
When I got home from counselor, my wife and I had another nice calm conversation. She was scared to tell me that she has found and signed for an apartment. She gets it December 1st and will slowly move in over the month and then permanently after our XMAS vacation with kids.
She was open and honest with me and told me just how much doing this is hurting her. She feels like she is abondoning our kids, even though they are actually happy for her and proud of her. She will still be around for them. Unless, her new found freedom really changes her.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but last night she said a few things that made it sound like this may not be a 100% final end to our marriage. I suppose I will know after January 1st and the months following.
For the next year (length of my wife's lease) I am going to focus on me, deepening my relationship with my kids, getting house ready for sale, and work. Since I am in sales my income is affected greatly by my efforts - and this coming year will be tougher financially.
Wife and I slept in same bed again - as we plan to do until she is gone and even had a little cuddle. I think now that she sees her safety and comfort on the horizon, she is relaxing in some ways.
I admitted to the counselor, my wife and myself that I still want her back in a year (or sooner - or later), but that I also intend to make real changes for me and my future and for my kids.
I'm thinking from now on I am going to live true honesty and accept wherever that leads me.
Well I hope you do Indy. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Your wife can do the same. Let her do what she is going to do. Its her choice. She knows your thoughts as do your kids. Your 40 years young. Time to make some new friends via circles. Between now and Jan 1st. No booze or other stuff. You got to be on your game. As the next month is going to be as tough as you make it. When in doubt go for a walk... No R talk. Space is your friend. Let her work on her new life. She needs to put the effort in to move. Do not help in any part of it. None of it. GAL. Lovingly detach. If she asks for help be busy doing stuff on the house or work. Smile and say your busy but may be able to help later or pick up some boxes on the way home from work.... I bought tote boxes and rubbermaid boxes I would go through a room and remove her stuff in that and garbage bags. Just left mystuff or stuff I claimed. I also decluttered. I now have one room in the house called the wayward room where there is just tote boxes and garabage bags of wayward stuff. And there is two rooms left to declutter and I am done. Wow do I sound harsh there...
I still cannot believe your doing the trip. The whole family is up for this??? I know I could not do that.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Yes, the whole family is up for the trip. I even feel better about it now. Yeseterday I felt rather calm and normal. That was nice for a change. I woke up feeling a little worse today, but not bad.
Other than the financial aspect, I am not going to help wife move. I don't think she even wants me to. She says she doesn't even want me to know where her apartment is, and that's fine with me. At this point, she says she still plans on being in the house quite often. She even said she will still do the Sunday cleaning and make Sunday dinners. I know that by allowing that I will be letting her have the best of both worlds and that goes against db philosophy. But I think dbing is only one philosophy and is not 100% right for all situations.In dbing, we try to make it tough for them to live their "fantasy". I have decided that if my wife chooses that fantasy life, then so be it. If on the other hand, she chooses to come back, then I know she came back only because our "second marriage" will truly be a better option than anything else. I only want to try a second time, if it's 100% genuine and real.
I know lots of you will disagree with that, but it is right for me.
Now a little update... When I came home from work last night, wife and I watched a movie together in bed. Again, much like sleeping in the same bed it was no big deal.
I have started reading the Love Dare. It gives you things to do over a 41 day period to transfer your marriage. Again, it goes agianst dbing in some ways, but I think there is a way to combine both concepts. The following is what I would like feedback on.
Since wife and I will be "together" for the next month and somewhat in December, what if I temper the approach in Love Dare, while still GAL and not beeing needing or pursuing etc. It might just give my wife something to miss when she leaves. Worst case, it will make things easier between us later. I have no intention of ever hating her or anything like that.
Then...after she moves out, I put dbing principles into place more and go almost dark. Make a point of not being available to her, around the house when she's here to see kids, not be available when she calls etc. I even intend to purposely leave books like "Uncoupling" where she can see them when at the house.
While my ultimate goal is to have her return for the right reasons and start a new marriage based on new principles, I will genuinely start the new year with my 4 goals in mind: work on me, develop deeper relationship with my kids, prepare house for eventual sale, and do better at work to earn more money next year when it's needed. But...if I happen to leave hints out to show that I am doing that, then let's see how that affects my wife.
Whew...that was a long one. I hope it all makes sense. I have it right in my mind, but would still like to hear what others think.
In dbing, we try to make it tough for them to live their "fantasy".
Survey says...... [X]aeeinngghhh
Quote:
I will genuinely start the new year with my 4 goals in mind: work on me
Why wait till the new year?
The DBing principles are not unique ideas to MWD. Love Dare has a lot of pursuing in it not real effective in dealing with a WAS. Make yourself irressitable to your wife and let her come to you. Your list of goals is a great start.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I should clarify: I am working on those 4 things right NOW. But meant, in the new year,in my new life they will be the only things - while between now and then I may also work on the love dare things - but tempered and only in non pursuing ways. For example the first 2 things are: don't say anything negative, and do soemthing nice. Those are simply good things to do in any relationship (even with my kids) and are not pursuing. And those kinds of things are irresistable to anyone.
In dbing, we try to make it tough for them to live their "fantasy".
Survey says...... [X]aeeinngghhh
Quote:
I will genuinely start the new year with my 4 goals in mind: work on me
Why wait till the new year?
The DBing principles are not unique ideas to MWD. Love Dare has a lot of pursuing in it not real effective in dealing with a WAS. Make yourself irressitable to your wife and let her come to you. Your list of goals is a great start.
I forgot to ask. What does MWD stand for? As in Coach's comment "Dbing principles are not unique to MWD".
And again, let me clairfy, I am only going to use the ideas in Love Dare and alter them to fit our situation. If one seems needy or will feel like pursuing, I will simply skip that one, or alter it greatly.
