K4D Rising #4

[gucci loafer]

Actually the letter is very good Kevin. I would encourage you to send it. You are correct in most everything that you mentioned. I don't believe it sounds pathetic at all.

Pick up "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Excellent book to grow not only in your personal relationships, but in your career. One of his principles is "If you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically." He gives tons of examples of amazing results when people admit they are wrong and take total responsibility.

The key after the letter is to follow through on what you told her. It isn't wrong of you to admit once again that what you have been doing or did in the past is wrong. (because it is wrong)Especially in your case when you HAVE continually and consistently been pressuring and preaching and talking one way and all the whle living another way. She is going by what she sees. Apologize again. Leave her alone and then live the walk.
If you screw up again (and you will because we all do).. Apologize for the specific screwup. Short and to the point and move on again. It only becomes wrong when you are doing it to "get something from her and not sincerely sorry.



I encourage you to change a couple of things though and I will explain why..

Don’t mention words like Christlike or God. The reason is that it could be a turnoff. You have then gotten in God's way and stifled his work. Get out of the way.

Remember. Most people are interested in themselves. It is human nature. Wait for God to open the door to talk to those who are unbelievers or have walked away from God, about God. Be interested in THEM. In their life. In their interests. Don’t talk about yourself. Talk about what THEY are interested in. In due time and in God’s time wait for the Lord to open the door before telling others how important he is in your life. It scares people and gets them defensive when a person comes across too gung ho about God. God doesn’t need our help. He only asks that we be a vessel. Ask yourself and be honest if you come on too strong. He not only can work through you without you mentioning him at every turn, but maybe that is exactly what he is waiting for… Maybe you are standing in the way by talking so much about him that people can’t see HIM….. (get it?)

Doesn’t a picture sometimes say a thousand words without talking to you? Be a picture of God. Let people look and observe the picture. You are the picture. Didn’t you ever have a salesman greet you at the door the moment you walked in and started with his “pitch?”

I know I react with caution, defensiveness and irritation when they do it to me. They have much more success if they just stand back and greet me with a smile and tell me their name and let me know if I need anything or have any questions.. and immediately back off… Same thing applies here.

So.. I would recommend that you eliminate

“That was not Christlike on my part and not mature.”

Also eliminate this...

“And I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you and the girls in whatever role that is.”

Not necessary and you are making a huge promise that would be hard to live up to. Don’t waste precious words like that. You letter is excellent without it.

And this...

“I realize now that I cannot force someone to love me. That has to be earned through great sacrifice and true change in my own self.”

Eliminate… Not necessary. Love is given best when the giver gives freely. Respect is earned. Our kids don’t “earn” our love. It is given freely. WE do however have to earn their respect as well as we do others. You will be earning her respect (which usually preceeds love) when you give her this letter and then do what you promised.


Get rid of this.....

I hope to thouroughly change me as a person going forward to someone you and everyone else can respect and feel safe around with time. I will not stop working on me to be who I should have been a long time ago.

Eliminate. Not necessary. You are getting long winded. The letter is best received by just admitting
and taking the blame. You are talking about YOU in that paragraph. She needs to read the letter more as if it is about how you treated and hurt HER.

But I will respect anything you ask and wish for. Your boundaries will be respected.

Eliminate “But I will respect anything you ask and wish for.”

Not needed because it is not true. She also needs to always earn your respect. “ANYTHING” is a dangerous word to use in that sentence. I would eliminate it. You can’t possibly “respect ANYTHING” she would ask for or wish for. That isn’t what love is about.

Strike this....

I hope that you will forgive me with time. But that is only for you to decide if I have earned it.

Finally this....

If you need anything at all, please feel free to ask.

Eliminate. Doesn’t matter whether she forgives you or not. You are again coming across as it being about you. It isn’t. This is about HER. Also leave out the part about her needing anything at all and feeling free to ask… ELIMINATE…

Just end it with this..

Take care.

And finally...Start helping others on here and stop talking about YOU. Begin to help others. Less about talking about you and what is going on in your life and more concern about others that are hurting and are in need of help. The best way to get a friend is to be a friend. Be curious about them and their wants, their needs, their interests, their hurts, their dreams and what makes them tick.. It takes the focus off of me me me.... You will actually find that you will grow even MORE as a person when helping others and focusing on THEM.

[K4D]

Thank you gucci loafer. I will do what you said with the letter and start helping others without talking about me.

I really appreciate it.

Kevin

[K4D]

Also, I will get that book.

Kevin

[K4D]

Well,

I can't email it to her. I guess I will just have to live it.

K4D: Do you have a second
W: sure. what's up?
W: is this about the children?
K4D: May I have permission to email you something as I have had time to reflect on things you pointed out. I will leave it at that if I may email you
K4D: There won't be anything further after the email
K4D: But I wanted your permission first
W: no. i've stated that i'm no longer willing to listen to anything further. i can't allow any more. you've abused every bit of good will i've had. i stand by what i said. not one more thing.
K4D: Ok
W: goodnight
K4D: Goodnight

I sure would like to be able to say what the letter says as I know she doesn't know what I am trying to say. But I have to respect what she has asked if I don't want a restraining order put on me.

Kevin

[smith18]

Interesting.

There must have been at least 6 people (including myself) that chimed in saying to not send her the letter. You even agreed after that. Then Gucci, who I usually agree with most the time, has a differing opinion on the letter. And what do you do? You try to send the letter before any of us can try to convince you further why you should not.

I'm perplexed.

[C-Bart]

Carnegie's book Friends and People as mentioned by Mr. Loafer is a great book. However, I prefer "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by the same other. It had a more direct impact on my life and current situation.

Wish I could say that your wifes response comes as a surprise.

[C-Bart]

Interesting.

I'm perplexed.

I'm not. He wanted to send the letter all he needed was someone, anyone to say go.

[Steve McQueen]

She's not ready to accept a letter from Kevin. Even if he did give it to her it would have sat in her purse unread.

Someday Kevin, you will be able to give that to her. But for now you both have to move on. Grow as an individual. Have confidence in yourself. The less you think about her the easier that will be.

Gucci is right. You have so much help to give others on this site by sharing your past and current behaviors with them. You can really help people, men especially, to understand why their wifes have chosen the solution that they have. God bless you.

[K4D]

I guess I just wanted W to see that I really do understand why things are the way they are.

Kevin

[JTJ]

I guess I just wanted W to see that I really do understand why things are the way they are.
Kevin

Controlling! If I stood in front of you and stuck my face an inch from yours and kept telling you how much I changed, over and over again. how would you react. Would you ask me to stop after 5 minutes an hour. What would you do if I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. You need to go dark for your wife's sake.

JJ