A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Gardener]

Dia, sounds like you two are doing real well. That's great.

There were lots of potential resentments and insecurities flying about, but I think we did well.

The word resentment caught my eye, here and I thought I'd pass along two thoughts: one general and one personal.

1)I read recently (I forget where), "Being resentful is like taking poison every day hoping your enemy will die."

2) During much ruminating about my death-spiraling marriage these past couple of days, I thought of a number of resentments I had begun harboring towards wife during (what I thought was) the relatively short, somewhat-disconnected period between us pre-bomb. Somehow it hit me that while some, if not all, of the "stuff" I resented her for was real, I was actually deflecting and redirecting resentments I felt toward myself: resenting my not speaking out about the "stuff", resenting my own aversion to conflict by keeping the "stuff" inside, etc. Resenting my own inaction, head-in-the-sand passivity and lack of taking the lead.

Don't know if that makes any sense; it seems difficult to articulate adequately, but to me it was like the scales falling from Saul's eyes.
And deserves more reflection and examination. When we resent someone's actions could it be that it's always a disguised resentment of our own inaction and non-response to it?

Even though my reading your resentment reference brought it to the fore, I probably should have posted this ramble on my own thread...

But, As long as I'm here, young lady...my place is a mess! What's this I heard about a party after I left Tuesday night....?

[C-Bart]

Quick hide Gardener is back!

[dolphin_05]

Hi Dia,

When you have a minute please would you mind catching up with my sitch and adding your 2c in light of what Gucci has posted?

Thanks,

Cas

[Dia]

Lot's of little updates...

Finances - we have been tippy-toeing into financial discussions. We still have separate bank accounts, but we are slowly divvying up financial responsibilities. He funds his own IRA.

He pays for the hardcore living expenses - rent, utilities, various insurance products.

I pay for about 95% of the groceries, most of the meals out and most of the family outings. I handle contributions to kidlet's college fund, my own IRA and that alleged 6-months liquid savings that everyone is supposed to have.

Before we officially reconciled, I was paying $200/month toward health insurance, but in light of my other contributions, we've decided that's not necessary.

Essentially, he pays living expenses and I handle investments and play money. I buy groceries because I'm the cook. This arrangement is working for a couple of reasons. 1) We're still feeling, and therefore being, somewhat cautious about blending our lives and hence our finances back together. 2) The division reflects our temperaments. H likes to feel like the breadwinner, the guy who keeps the roof over our heads, keeps us warm and safe, etc. Me, I'm the adventurous one. I like exploring food and travel. I like like researching investments, watching the market and feeling the rewards of watching the numbers (hopefully) climb. To H, this sort of research, whether travel or financial, is tedious, unrewarding work.

Holidays - we're spending Thanksgiving night down by my folks, then heading home sometime on Friday. His family hasn't made their plans yet, so H said we needed to make ours and not wait on them. His family wants to have a big to-do up in Ojai, so we'll do what we can to get H and kidlet there (and me, too, if I'm invited - which I doubt) once we find out when and where it's happening.

We've pretty much acknowledged that everybody is feeling uncomfortable about the holidays in varying degrees. We're handling it well, my family is handling it well, and people on H's side - except his mom - seem to be handling it well, too.

My family has a recent death to remind them that it's unwise to let resentments continue to simmer, and that family conflicts are best dealt with up-front.

QT, PT and getting our needs met - we're having some productive growing pains in this area. H has a need for uninterrupted headspace, for being able to work on or focus on things w/o a kid bouncing around, a wife chatting at him, etc. When he doesn't get that during the early evening, it leaves him feeling stressed and over-stimulated. The result is that he seeks it during the late evening, after kidlet goes to bed, getting on his computer, putting on his heavy-duty, noise-blocking headphones and satisfying his inner introvert.

I get this because I'm an introvert, too. For him, it would be absolutely fine for us each to pursue our own ends most evenings, and then to fall into bed when we're done, make passionate love and fall asleep. His LL is PT, so this works for him. My LL, however, is QT, so over a long period of time, this does NOT work for me.

Today, for instance, H wanted to work on his programming projects. The office juts off our dining room, and there is a double-wide doorway with no door. If I'm rattling about in the kitchen, it sometimes bothers him. Kidlet chattering, asking him random questions, me walking by enroute to the bathroom then blowing my nose - all of these break his concentration and frustrate the beejeezus out of him.

We had a good talk about it today. For his part, he readily admits that the answer is NOT to make us tippy-toe around him. We have as much right to do our normal activities as he does to have quiet, un-interrupted headspace. I'd suggested it before, but today H finally agreed that what he needs simply isn't going to happen in the current office location. It's too public, and it's in one of the major traffic paths of the house. H isn't happy about giving up the nice windows with the ocean view, but the inability to concentrate has finally trumped the view. H will be moving his office into kidlet's old room and I will take the office off the dining room. Interruptions bother me less, so this should result that utilitarian ideal of the most good for the most people.

Circling back around to QT for Dia, H can't give me adequate QT until he recharges his introvert batteries. This isn't diva behavior; it's just how he's wired. Hence, improving the quality of his introvert space enables the conditions *he* needs in order to give me what *I* need.

We've been struggling with this for a good two weeks. We've not had a movie night in that long, and mostly what I've been getting are 15-20 min chat sessions during dinner, or in-between when he gets home and when he heads to his office. Those 15 min sessions are great as maintenance. They provide just enough to stem the outright draining of my tank. But they're not enough in the big-picture sense. I need 1-2 hours of time on a weekly basis, and something like an afternoon outing together once a month.

Both of us are intuitive, idea-people, so getting down to concrete, nuts-and-bolts statements of what we need is both different and good for us. "I need more time" isn't all that helpful. I need to understand and then communicate the specifics in order to get what I need from him.

Also, while it might be different if we weren't so freshly reconciled, the two weeks of maintenance-only QT has had a predictable effect on my sex drive. When I don't get my QT, I'm not as interested in sex and I'm less willing to respond to advances. If he games til 2 am and wants to fool around when he comes to bed, nuthin' doing. It makes me feel like I'm 2nd best after his computer. It's not at all a conscious tit-for-tat thing, though, it's very much and under the radar withdrawing.

Here's another way we handle the various situations above. Next weekend, I'm taking kidlet to see some extended family who are visiting my folks from out-of-state. This satisfies everybody. Kidlet gets to see my parents, his great-grandfather and a host of great-aunts and cousins. This pleases me, my mother and the afore-mentioned extended family. Filial obligations are met which keeps me in my mother's good graces. Sunday and Monday, kidlet are going to Disneyland, which is pure fun for both of us. We're both QT people, and we really like our Mom-and-Kidlet adventures, something we discovered big-time during the separation. And H - what does he get? Almost 4 entire days of an empty house - pure heaven.

As a personality researcher, overlaying the LL thing onto my general understanding of introversion has been extremely insightful. I'm an introvert, too, so why has it been such a big deal to get quality time out of H? The difference is in the LLs and how we get our primary emotional needs met. Great stuff, Maynard!

ok, enough rambling for now.

Cheers,

Dia

[orangedog]

Recharging the introvert batteries. Ah yes. Those of you wired differently must understand this about us.

[girlfromoz]

Hi Dia

One thing I need to work out is my H's LL. I really should get a hold of that book it might go a long way to sorting some other issues out.

[The Wifey]

Dia. I hope you have a blast at Disneyland. I love anything Disney. I am so happy for your continued discussions and understanding that the old wasn't so hot and the new needs to be different to avoid the old crud. (And keep the new hot by extension.)

Alas, still baby steps here but good and steady progress. My biggest problems are hormonal, peri-menopausal hell actually, and impatience.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

When you get a chance, can you check your inbox in the alt? I have had some developments, and I need your help with a question.

Thanks.

[bluerain]

Hi Dia, I hope that you have a great time at Disney, Ive never been, but I think that it would be a blast, even more fun with a kiddo!

[Dia]

Hi, folks,

Sorry for dropping off the face of the planet.

1) My laptop gave up the ghost. It is pining for the fjords. It is an ex-laptop. etc. No data loss, and I am functional on a desktop system now but the migration isn't complete and chaos still reigns.

2) I am still working 50 - 60 hour weeks and it isn't going to stop until the end of the year. Sigh. It is wearing on me, kidlet and hubby, too. We're coping, well, but it's getting very old.

The trip to Disney with kidlet was fantabulous. I left a few hours early on a Friday (after a 55 hr week), visited family, spent Sun and Mon at Disney, then came back and worked 60 hours in 4 days. Arrrggggh!

We are fine in the reconciliation department - continuing to work through the assortment of issues as we can given my ugly work schedule.

I have a few mins, so I'm going to do some drive-by reading up on your various sitches.

Thanks to those of you who checked in on me in the alt. It's appreciated!