Wow - ONE WEEK of nice husband. Hasn't been like this for soooooo many months! After S went to bed, I went to my room to do my own thing. GUess who came in my room, tried on the halloween costume I made him, watched some stuff on the computer with me, right at the bed! He's been chatting and joking around all night! Dare I say - this is the man I fell in love with.
This from the guy who last week said he didn't want to be in the same house with me when he's here, and couldn't imagine ever having a R with me again.
Wow - I've been taking my power back, living life for me, and standing up to him. AND GETTING RESULTS!
It was great last night and this morning. H stayed over and we had a fun morning with S.
Then I ruined it. I got hit on the side of my car last night WHILE I WAS PARKED. Go figure. H saw it this morning, I hadn't noticed it last night. H got very mad at me for not noticing and told me how scary it is that I don't notice things that big - I told him I had come out of my support group and was emotional and tired and didn't notice it. H just saw me as completely not paying attention and let in to me about it. H also doesn't believe me and thinks I hit something and was lying about it.
This has been a dynamic in our R - a) that I don't pay enough attention to things ( library books returned late, arriving places late, paying bills late, etc) and b) that i've lied before to avoid his anger.
So I'm staying more calm than usual - I walked away from the discussion. But I'm afraid now he feels justified again that I'm not worth coming back to because "I haven't changed."
Hope, his behavior a) is not about you, and b) is not acceptable.
Please stop beating yourSELF up for HIS issues. One of the ways abusive men justify their attacks on women is by getting the woman to agree that their anger is her fault.
It isn't.
It's his own inner demon to deal with. And he can't deal with it on his own. He's not strong enough or skilled enough, so he puts it out there on you.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
H also doesn't believe me and thinks I hit something and was lying about it.
That must hurt. A simple boundary statement on this kind of disbelief and assumptions on his part might be useful.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
So I'm staying more calm than usual - I walked away from the discussion.
Good. But did you tell him why you were walking away (boundary)?
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
But I'm afraid now he feels justified again that I'm not worth coming back to because "I haven't changed."
Haven't changed what, Hope? Not noticing that someone hit your car when you weren't even there? One could almost reword that sentence to read "But I'm afraid now he feels justified again that I'm not worth coming back to because 'I'm human.'"
Take a closer look at that sentence: "I'm afraid," "he feels justified" "I'm not worth coming back to," "I haven't changed." Such negative self talk. Don't do that to yourself. Are you in IC?
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Feeling so mad at myself.
Why, Hope? What did you do wrong?
Loving, gentle 2x4s,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
more of the same -= a great night with H - he offered me a beer, we walked to the store, hung out and laughed a lot.
And then I f***ed it up again. A month or two ago, I spilled a smoothie by the stereo - well, I didn't tell H - as you know, I'm terrified by his anger. This was still a bad idea.
The stereo shuts off tonight. H looks inside to find out why - the smoothie had gone into the electronics. Another classic move by me and exactly what drives him crazy about me. And that I didn't tell him about it. And that he's had that stereo for almost twenty years and he loves it. How do you make up for something like that?
He stayed calm, which was a miracle. DBD, I did just agree with him. I have also since not allowed any food in the living room. Because been known to constantly spill things.
Why did I not tell him about it right away so he could fix it? Why did I think if I closed my eyes, the problem would go away? I don't understand myself. All I know is I am trying to change.
H did also try. He expressed upset without being abusive and asked for space when he started feeling too angry. But I swear it's hard not to blame myself when I make so many dumb mistakes like this.
But I'll tell you the miracle. My H last week was so irrational, he was screaming at me for picking up a used envelope from the floor and throwing it away.
But tonight he did not scream, and this accident around his electronics (he's a computer engineer) is way more critical. He asked to go to his apt. and get some space and talked to me about why liquids and electronics are dangerous (I'm smart about a lot of things, electronics is not one of them). He has remained calm and is taking care of his own emotions and to calm them down.
I can't believe the change. It's truly a miracle. I'm so relieved in a way - not that we are having problems, but that we are talking about them calmly and maturely. Who knows. We may have hope yet.
Hope, his behavior a) is not about you, and b) is not acceptable.
Please stop beating yourSELF up for HIS issues. One of the ways abusive men justify their attacks on women is by getting the woman to agree that their anger is her fault.
It isn't.
It's his own inner demon to deal with. And he can't deal with it on his own. He's not strong enough or skilled enough, so he puts it out there on you.
Dia, Thank you for the firm reminder. I am changing my inner perspective to this - and it has had amazing effects. He has not yelled at me in over a week -= because I'm telling myself it's not about me, it's his issue.
But I'm afraid now he feels justified again that I'm not worth coming back to because "I haven't changed."
Haven't changed what, Hope? Not noticing that someone hit your car when you weren't even there? One could almost reword that sentence to read "But I'm afraid now he feels justified again that I'm not worth coming back to because 'I'm human.'"
Take a closer look at that sentence: "I'm afraid," "he feels justified" "I'm not worth coming back to," "I haven't changed." Such negative self talk. Don't do that to yourself. Are you in IC?
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Feeling so mad at myself.
Why, Hope? What did you do wrong?
Loving, gentle 2x4s,
Thank you for the gentle bonk on the head.
No I'm not at fault for being hit - it's the "not noticing" that I was hit that freaks him out. I had been tired, it was night, and I was emotional having just come from a support group. I did not notice the scratches on the side of my car.
The fact that I did not notice (and again, see tonight's other mistake = spill on the stereo) demonstrate a pattern that he has defined me in - that I'm careless and don't pay attention and that will lead to some kind of disaster.
I'm working on my inner peace and positive self talk. Reminding myself that you are right = I'm human. I am a bit careless and forgetful. But so what. I have other gifts. My mantra today was "I may be a bit careless, but at least I'm not an A$$HOLE!"
and I am changing. I'm working to be more careful and responsible. I'm also working on not letting him put me in a space of shame and self doubt.He still tells himself that "I'm not changing" but hey neither is he. And until he can be a more forgiving, nice person, who is he to criticize?
Why am I mad at myself? I'm not changing fast enough It's hard when you see yourself making the same stupid unconscious mistakes over and over. And I feel like every time I don't make a 180 is another day away from luring my H back by the new and improved me.
But maybe the real change here is to not take his crap anymore! Seems to be working. Thanks friends for the constant reminders.
It's hard when you see yourself making the same stupid unconscious mistakes over and over. And I feel like every time I don't make a 180 is another day away from luring my H back by the new and improved me.