More journalling - Well I was in IC today and put my H on speakerphone so I'd have support if the conversation went sour. H did not know I was in IC office.
Long story short, I asked if this was a good time to discuss the plan for tonight and H said "what plan?" and "What are your ideas?" I was aghast that he hadn't put any thought into who would stay at the house tonight when he has made it clear he is not pleased with the current arrangement. So I calmly said what would work for me is that I come home after my support group and go to bed. H can either have the rest of the house for himself, like last night, or go to his place. He asked if I needed him to get up with S in the morning and I said no. Then he asked if I could pick up S after preschool today - work meeting would go a little late (H was originally going to pick up S to take him flying). He said what time he would pick up S and we agreed and got off the phone.
No arguing. Plan set.
Big success. We had a successful disscusion without negative emotions and I feel better knowing what the plan is for tonight.
Anyone had any success talking to a DB coach? I'm feeling just desperate enough...
They go through the basics and help you set goals and recognize positive signs in your relationship.
I had my first call with one on Saturday. I'm looking forward to the followup call (I paid for 3 calls at once).
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Yes, I had 3 with Dottie and saw some small signs of "moving toward" from my wife. My sitch is different though as I found this site way too late after the bomb and used telecoach even later. Wife was way past checked-out at that point.
However, I say go for it. I've read overwhelmingly more positive feedback than negative (haven't read any negative, come to think of it.)
And I am going to schedule one more with Dottie to see if she has any last ditch effort rabbits she can pull out of her magic hat!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Wow, Day 5 of getting along. When I came home tonight, as we agreed, H did not give me any grief. We chatted for a moment, then I retreated to my room to do my thing. He came in a half hour later and asked - very politely - if I would mind if he went to the gymn and to his place tonight. I said no problem, and we chatted and laughed some more.
It was really good for our son to see us togther and getting along too. Well, I've given up the fantasy of him running back to my arms, but I'll settle for no abuse! Woot!
Well, H texted me back and forth three or four times last night, very perky and friendly. Sooooooo much of a change!
I may have blown it today by calling to "see what the plan is for tonight". It kills me that he refuses to make a plan with me. All I know is he is coming over to be with S. I have no idea if he's going to say or ask me to leave.
I asked is this a good time to talk about tonight's plan - he replied "I can't deal with that right now."
Then I felt a panic for bothering him at work.
If I let it go, he'll eventually call me I guess or I could just stay out and avoid him altogether. We're going to MC next monday.
So, overall, positive, but I'm still quite depressed that he left us. Don't know how I'm ever going to get him back. Just glad the anger has subsided for a week now.
Hi Hope, I read somewhere that we have to think of our S like a squirrel. Think of how hard it is to try to feed one. How careful we have to make our movements and sometimes just be still for them to approach us.
Let it go, be patient. (Easy for me to say ;)) I know what you mean about feeling depressed that he left you. I struggle with that and today I realized it's bothering me because I haven't forgiven him like I thought I did. I'm working on trying to *truly* forgive him for the pain caused him leaving and all the mean things he's said/done. Could that be the same for you?
You still need to detach emotionally. See how anything he does/doesn't do "kills" you? And you pursued with your question about tonight's plans. You got lulled back to thinking he was his ol' self by the friendly TMs. (You made an "abrupt movement" and scared him.) And you have to be self-sufficient for your own happiness. Sorry if I'm being harsh.
Don't forget about your name, Hope4Luv. Keep the hope. Don't let discouraging thoughts get you down. I haven't been hopeful lately and it does NOT help with GAL and being attractive to H. Concentrate on the positive like you have and fight back thinking on the negative. That's what got me down yesterday.
Concentrate on being the best YOU. Have you read the thread "Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)"? There are some pearls there.
Gosh, hope I didn't make this too long. Hang in there!
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
DBD thank you! That was very inspiring. I really appreciated the long post!
You are right, my IC also calls the H like a feral cat. Same as squirrel. No sudden movements. I shouldn't have called. He never called back. But I just did my thing - came home and we had an hour of nice family time with music, jack o lanterns, and dancing. Hoping it stays calm the rest of the night. I'm hoping to just go to bed , or leave if he gets angry.
