My D10 and I bumped into x at the store yesterday; he was just standing, watching the cart, so I knew that his gf wasn't far. I turned to D10 and said, Look, go say hi to your Dad. Problem is, she froze. It all happened in a split second - one of those things that you feel, intuit. She must have sensed that my stomach clenched. I could feel her anxiety, her look of, "Oh, sh!t!," being caught in the middle. Of course, she went over to say hello. I turned back to the meat in the case. Then we got together and left (really before my shopping was done, but I was done). She was trying to take care of me, which is NOT where I want my D10 to be! Not fair... I don't want to screw up my kids. I don't want to hurt them. That is what made me bawl tonight. I feel guilty, and still want to be able to fix something that is beyond repair.
All a continuation of a theme. I HAVE TO get past this, more for them at this point.
The IC said that she thinks I am holding on, that it is a "safer" place (although not a healthy one), rather than face work on myself, getting on with life. I am playing the part of victim of an affair. Have to accept that it is over, that x isn't doing anything "to" me, anymore, accept the reality of the situation. The kids have accepted the divorce; they aren't wishing it away.
She said that maybe it just is too soon for me, but senses an inner struggle. That I am tired of all this. I went in with a timeline of things:
Quote:
Summer 05 – I told her to back off (4 ½ years ago) 5/06 sex in our house (3 ½ years ago) (July 06 was our Cape Cod family vacation) 11/06 bomb (3 years ago) 7/07 he left (2 ¼ years ago) I go into the psych ward 10/07 and 1/08 6/08 divorced (1 1/3 years ago) 10/08 he bought a house w/her (1 year ago)
We met 5/31/86 – 20 years later, he was unfaithful Married 5/31/92 – 16 years (22 together) later, we were divorced Daughter is only 10… we only got her to 7 ½ before we fell apart.
She promises that this is the last push. I am just so tired. I have been forced to accept so much, to adjust, to change so radically. How can there possibly be more? But there is....for the kids. So I don't remain the victim, bitter and resentful. What would be the best FOR THE KIDS? What should that look and feel like?
I am afraid; afraid that I can't pull it off, afraid that I will keep trying but not be able to repress or, better, get past these feelings, afraid of damaging my kids, afraid of not being strong enough. Afraid that I really am worthless, unloveable, and will forever forward be alone like I am now. (I have heard through the grapevine that his family has started to agree with him, that they've said he is a saint for putting up with me for so long, that I was lazy and he did everything - I know it for what it is, I know they are trying to heal the wounds between them and their brother, doing the family thing - but it still stings. This is not including his parents, who are still tenents...but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't do their own mental acrobatics in order to find a way to regain a better relationship with their son).
Here is the old, old quote again: Let Go and Move On.
I called my sister tonight. I told her why I think I hold on....everyone I have ever loved and cared for deeply is either dead or has rejected me. I looked to x to give me the love and validation that I didn't get from my parents. And I got that for a long time (was it real, for the whole time? I can't really know for sure, anymore). But he convinced me that I was someone worthwhile, loveable. Until I wasn't. Eight months of confusion, followed by anger and venom - the most opposite thing to what I had thought I had.
Sis pointed out some of my flaws, but said that I was the one who really had to look for all of them (since everyone can wear a mask with others, but much harder to hide from yourself). I was always looking for someone to help and take care of me. She saw it as selfishness...I can see it as more co-dependence, blurred lines in where I started and ended. This is better, at least. I will always have to be aware of it. But there are other things to work on - that, given the number of people who have decided that I'm "not worth it," maybe there is truth in that and things to look at and improve on. Things have to get better, since I have the majority of time with the kids. I have to live up to my responsibility to them, even if it is hard. Learned helplessness (the co-dependence/help me in my life) from mom, the alcoholic? Maybe. I complained that even she had been able to "keep her husband." Sis pointed out that was obligation, responsibility, not love.
All I ever wanted was for him to love me. Sis said that is all I ever want from anyone; but that it shouldn't matter, and I can't look for validation outside of myself.
Have I had this conversation before? I am having some deja vu, here....
ANYway, here is the question for my friends here:
How did YOU close the door? My IC told me to ask all of you, see if you can tell me what it is you did, said, thought about, etc., that got you to accept and move on. I know that the optimal goal is for my x, my kids and I, probably even the gf, to all be in the same room together with no pressure or anxiety, someday. It's not going to be enough for me to just pretend - my kids are too intuitive for that. It seems like an impossible thing...I just don't know if I am strong enough. But I have to be, for them. How? I understand the drive to self-medicate, now. I just want to stop feeling...
I wish I had words of wisomd for you. However, my own internal conflicts and work with my C and the D are much the same. At times, I felt like I 'closed the door', but I guess just ended up pacing back and forth afterward wanting to know 'why isn't she knocking?' and then just open it back up a crack to let some light shine out.
Maybe we're just waiting for them to us the favor and just gently close the door for us?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Oh, I know that he slammed the door shut - but "standing outside the closed door," just staring at it - that resonates with me. Thanks for checking in...
Any other ideas, guys? Does anyone ever have to deal with the other person and x showing up for a kids' event? I am struggling, knowing that the best reaction I can have (FOR MY KIDS) is to feel nothing, just be polite, like seeing acquaintances at school...seems like an almost super-human task.
I don't know that i will be a lot of help since ex just dropped the "I am engaged" bomb on my head Sunday. I don't remember if I even told him to get out but I do know that I pushed him out and closed the door on him. That hurt. The shock is starting to fade.
Before that bomb, I felt pretty good. Didn't give him much thought except when he messed with the kids in some way. I had even took the high road and suggest to him that he have the girls for about an hour so that they could Trick or Treat at his parents since this may be their last year.
I thought about how I wanted my life, the things I wanted to do with my kids. Ex wasn't anywhere in that picture.( This was about a year ago). It felt really good to realize that. His actions still caused me grief, such as when he filed bankruptcy and left me no choice but to follow. He can still push buttons but I try very hard to see it is just him trying to manipulate me.
I haven't risen above it yet but I am working my way up there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Just another thought, before anyone else can love you, you have to love yourself. From what I can tell you are pretty special and I have enjoyed our chats.
I don't even want to think of seeing his GF at an event. I know if it ever happens we will be sitting worlds apart. I guess I have a little while before I have to deal with her and I am in no rush.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I thought about all the things I did not like about my XW. And they were substantial. Enough for me to realize that I am much better on my own without her.
But mostly I dont dwell on the past. I take the attitude to always plan things for the future and look forward to that.
Maybe your C is not helping you enough in working with the principles SBT.
Donna, I've had the pleasure a few times of having to deal with OP. Honestly, I felt nothing. I actually had a pleasant chat with OP last time we had the pleasure! I dropped in to STBX's place with D12 to pick up something she had forgotten. STBX did not answer the door so D said she was probably in the backyard, so we went there. She was right, there was STBX and OP sitting there sipping drinks. I was actually quite surprised that I didn't have any kind of reaction. Think about it, there is OP sitting in MY friggin' backyard sipping a drink. That could get an emotional reaction but it didn't. I think it may be because I don't blame OP, STBX is the one who broke our vows. In a way, I feel sorry for OP because she (yes, she) is allowing STBX to just keep her on a shelf. You must be a very lonely person to allow that. OP never sees or spends time with our children and I have no idea why STBX wants it that way...maybe it's the lesbo thing...who really knows. But, that's my 2 cents anyway...don't know if it was much help but I tried.
Well Donna, I don't really have issues with OM being with XW, he wants her, he can have her as she is the person she became, and I certainly don't like that person.
My issue with OM is being directly involved from get go one in my kids lives and essentially taking my place with out so much as uttering one word to me. So in that regard, no there will be no cushy sitting around at BBQ's and he is not to attend any events for the kids, XW knows I will tear him limb from limb if he does.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
But there are other things to work on - that, given the number of people who have decided that I'm "not worth it," maybe there is truth in that and things to look at and improve on.
Donna, I haven't posted here much, I hope you don't mind, but i wonder if it's that, or maybe it could just be more about those people; the kind of people that would tell a person they're not worth it; I mean maybe some of it is those people are flawed? If you're family not much you can do, other than try to avoid them as much as you can, but if friends, maybe work on having more healthy, caring, supportive friends?
I think it's hard to figure out how you decide to move on. I think some might be time; some of us take longer than others. I think sometimes it's not good to move on too quickly; I see some people get over their WAS in a month or less here and I wonder if that's even possible.
I have taken off the rose-colored glasses and see my X more clearly, see his flaws, and realize it would be hard if not impossible to have a healthy R with him.
I think one of the main things that helped me detach and move on was working on my self-confidence & self-esteem. The better I feel about myself, the more it helps me detach. Not sure why that is though.
