I'm very pleased to see how things are going w/you and bf. This is the type of story you need to make sure to let Michelle know as she'll put it in one of her books.
You said that neither you or bf think what you were doing was why he decided to come back, but I really think you are selling that short. When you DB, you focus on you and place yourself in a better, more healthier position to be in a relationship.
When you were doing that, he was absolutely noticing. He saw you moving on w/out him and it forced him to look at his own situation. All of this may have been on a subconscious level, but it is the reason they come back in the end.
If you had stayed the same, he wouldn't have done what he did. The changes in you forced the changes in him.
And now, we are all seeing how wonderful it is when things work out and you two are back together!
Hi Julia.. Rob! I owe you an email, I havent forgotton!! Thanks for your post.
I'm sorry, you raised this before and I havent ever explained myself very well. I agree it helps, as you point out. I did ask him if there was anything I could've done which would have stopped him coming back and he said, yes, if I had been mean to him.. so like I explained, DBing is a reaction to a breakup which helps, because it isnt the 'norm'. People (judging by the advice I got!) who get brutally dumped normally get angry, they get vengeful, they want to get even, they cut up clothes, jump up and down on cars and try and get a new bf asap to cope with the abandonment. They are bitter and hateful (all men are b*stards route) instead of forgiving and patient.. etc. DBing takes a very different approach!
I guess it also teaches you to get your confidence and self-respect back and rediscover yourself again.. to showcase yourself in the best light and remind them of what they are missing.
He didnt come back though because he noticed what I was doing, at least he said he didnt (and we did only speak twice in the last 6 months of our separation!).. he was doing the textbook 'inner journey', he said he just gradually came out of that fog of the WAS or MLCer or whatever (he said to me he felt like someone had scooped out all his brains, liquidised them, pummelled it into dough then put it back in upside down). I think thats just life and in some cases, they want you back eventually anyway.
DBing maximises your chances, but will only 'work' if they loved you all along, they just needed to work through their own issues to find that they already had everything they wanted at home (as they say in the Alchemist)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Very well put, as usual, Ali. Dbing is that 'opposite reaction' stuff. It shocks them to see that you aren't having a 'normal' reaction to the breakup. You seem reasonable, confident, a little aloof. Those can all be good things. It's almost like playing hard to get but you're not playing at all.
That's one heck of a description your bf gives of his feelings. He has obviously thought a lot about that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Mish.. yep, it sure was, he is eloquent at times, but also (like this morning) just says that he cant explain why he did the things he did, but he made a series of "ridiculous" decisions. He says he can remember the events but cannot remember how he felt emotionally at the time, or felt about them.
Sunday morning seems to be the day I ask him stuff. He cried again. So we did manage to arrange a few good nights out with friends this week...one just remarried, but made sure to tell her exH first, out of courtesy and respect, the minute she was engaged. Of course, bf never contacted me when he started seeing Helen and he says he coawrdly couldnt face it. So I told him today I cant square the loving, kind, partner he was before and is again now with that person who could stop all contact with me for months and let me find out from near strangers he had a new gf. He cried and we talked a little about that..
But then he said he DID still feel guilt, and for "everything".. I asked what and he said "for his whole life and especially his Dad".. so we talked a bit about this. He says he is still dealing with his death and guilt toward his Dad. I said it sounded like he was in one of the normal stages of grief/bereavement - guilt, but for some reason he had got stuck there (4 years on). And thats not good for him and I wanted him to know I am aware of this and will help or talk to him about it if he needs to, but its down to him to talk to me or to find some help for himself (I doubt he will yet). Then our "hour" was up and we had a cooked breakfast!
Piecing is hard because not only are you dealing with the aftermath of shock and grief of the S, difficlut feelings of insecurity or jealousy, whatever, to do with any ow, but also, you are still having to deal with all the issues that were always there in the R before all of this happened and with a partner who may not be that emotionally healthy anyway! And maybe I still have a way to go to forgive him.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Piecing is hard because not only are you dealing with the aftermath of shock and grief of the S, difficult feelings of insecurity or jealousy, whatever, to do with any ow, but also, you are still having to deal with all the issues that were always there in the R before all of this happened and with a partner who may not be that emotionally healthy anyway! And maybe I still have a way to go to forgive him.
That is very insightful! I think that's why its easier to start a new R than fix an old one. Course, if you don't fix your issues, that one won't be any more successful.
Good for you two for putting all this effort into it! It sounds like, most days, it's paid off a hundredfold.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I love your take on how hard piecing can be. It is true that there are still and will continue to be a lot of mountains to climb and the sad fact is you may never be 100% "cured" of your insecurities and such. I'd say that is to be expected however, but w/BF's help, love and understanding, when those insecurities do flare up, they'll be more like hiccups than major issues.
Just read on Kalni's thread that you have Swine Flu!
YUCK!
My little girl has it too, but her doctor said those of us born before 1976 have done a great job in fighting it off, so only the young and the elderly are in big danger when they get it.
