My sin has not been forgiven. Not by my wife or by me.
I would never make the same mistake again, but that's moot now.
I feel guilt and shame. I may continue to make more mistakes, but that seems to be what I do. At least, future ones may be out of best interests.
I know this is hard. You can't give away won't you don't have. If you don't love yourself you don't have any love to give away to someone else.
You need to learn to forgive. It's loving, real and part of being a human. You need to talk to a IC or priest/preacher to heal. You are not the only person who has ever been thru a experience like yours, there is a better future if you do the work.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Indy I would work on forgiving that mistake. Forgive your self and learn from it. Remember forgiveness means taking responsibiltiy for your actions. And work to never allow it to happen again. Which would mean no more doing that stuff so you cannot get into a postition that it can happen. This would be an action. Actions speak louder than words. This would be a good 180. Clean up your system. And stay away from anything that hinders your judgement. Perhaps one day your wife will forgive you as well. Just not now. And by letting her go this way you may never get the chance at forgiveness. It cannot be bought. It must be earned. And to earn forgiveness requires hard work. Hard work by both of you. But only you can forgive yourself for your past actions. One day you may need to communicate this to your wife. It may be the openning for her to forgive you as well. It is called healing. Lead by example.
So it is not moot now. As it is defining your re-actions. Take ownership and have it become an action.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
My sin has not been forgiven. Not by my wife or by me.
I would never make the same mistake again, but that's moot now.
I feel guilt and shame. I may continue to make more mistakes, but that seems to be what I do. At least, future ones may be out of best interests.
I know this is hard. You can't give away won't you don't have. If you don't love yourself you don't have any love to give away to someone else.
You need to learn to forgive. It's loving, real and part of being a human. You need to talk to a IC or priest/preacher to heal. You are not the only person who has ever been thru a experience like yours, there is a better future if you do the work.
Cheers Coach
I am trying to see a counselor tomorrow and attempting to join a support group. It's mandatory.
Indy I would work on forgiving that mistake. Forgive your self and learn from it. Remember forgiveness means taking responsibiltiy for your actions. And work to never allow it to happen again. Which would mean no more doing that stuff so you cannot get into a postition that it can happen. This would be an action. Actions speak louder than words. This would be a good 180. Clean up your system. And stay away from anything that hinders your judgement. Perhaps one day your wife will forgive you as well. Just not now. And by letting her go this way you may never get the chance at forgiveness. It cannot be bought. It must be earned. And to earn forgiveness requires hard work. Hard work by both of you. But only you can forgive yourself for your past actions. One day you may need to communicate this to your wife. It may be the openning for her to forgive you as well. It is called healing. Lead by example.
So it is not moot now. As it is defining your re-actions. Take ownership and have it become an action.
Wife and I had a calm conversation last night. We slept in same bed - no big deal.
She is really very physically ill. Sad to see.
I know it goes against the advice of everyone here, but I have decided to give in somewhat on her request for financial aid in moving out. It won't be $15,000, and I am not just going to write a check. I will only do this for her if she follows some rules about how the money is put out. I won't go into the details, but I have come up with something more than fair to her, that I can accept. Everything will be in writing, with receipts and full disclosure.
I have my reasons for doing it this way, and while it may not be the smartest thing, it's the right thing for me at this time. It's only money, and I want to move on to more important things. I am going to see a counselor, attempting to join a support group at a local church and also found an on-line group as well.
The bottom line is that I still deeply care for my wife, and am very concerned about her just making it through. I want my kids to have their mother and father as healthy people, and I'm going to do what it takes for that to happen.
I hope those of you who know your stuff (Coach, Puppy, RobX etc) won't give up on me. I will still heed your advice, but on this one issue, have chosen to do what works for me at this time.
I hope you understand and will still be there for me.
Thanks Puppy. I really put a lot of calm, rational thought into the decision. Is is what feels right for me right now. I may be sorry later, but learning to live with my mistakes is part of this process.
I have been an emotional wreck for the last 2 months (as my posts make clear!) and I am ready to get past the point of feeling ill every day. I can't honestly say I will ever stop hoping for my wife to come back until the day it is 100% impossible, but I have to start living for me and still keep that hope somewhere in my heart.
During our talk last night, she alluded to the fact that her moving out isn't the absolute end in her mind. I think that right now, she simply needs to get away from the anger and bad memories and get healthier physically.
It's time to really give her space and work on me and then let her decide what is right for her. I don't want our old marriage anymore than she does. So, either way, we are moving towards something better.
is she wanting you "to be there for her" in her illness or is she requesting you respect her space and leave her alone?
Tough thing to answer Steve. Last night when I was being calm and we spoke she opened up to me about how bad she feels. She said "I feel like I am dying". It may all be stress related - or at least she feels it may be. Getting out of this toxic envioronment will help her feel better. Again, at least she thinks so.
She really just wants me to give her space and respect her boundaries. I forced her into leaving by not respecting her requests for that. If I had kept my hands off her, she would feel safe and would likely not feel the need to be away from me.
So..I suppose she would like me to be there for her, but at the same time let her feel safe and comfortable. The bottom line is that I didn't db properly when this started again 2 months ago. I am still doing some things against the db philosophy (the money thing), but at least now, they are with good intentions and not because I am putting my needs ahead of hers.
She wants me to care for her as a person and not expect things in return. I think I can do that.
