You should neither MAKE her move out, nor HELP her move out. She is an adult, and if she wants to run away from her marriage and her family, she can do that and you can't control her, but nor should you help enable it by letting her run up add'l debt FOR YOUR FAMILY (yes, the LOC is a family debt) so she can enjoy her runaway lifestyle.
So, absolutely NOT.
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It's important to note that my wife is still being caring and concerned for me, and is being very realistic about financial stuff. Neither of us will drag things through courts or anything.
I'm sorry to have to say this Indy, but I'm afraid she's only being that way to the extent that she's getting everything she wants from you right now. If you doubt me, say "no" to the line-of-credit thing above, do it nicely and as pleasantly as possible ("I understand you want your space right now, but that's your decision, not mine. I have to look out for the family, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to run up additional family debt to finance a second residence for you. You'll have to pay for that yourself.") . . .
. . . and then see how "nice" she continues to be, and let us know.
If you cave into her on this (and I suspect you will), then at a MIMIMUM those funds (the add'l debt put onto your line-of-credit) should come out of HER half of the proceeds when you sell your house.
Essentially, once a spouse is either wayward or runs away, the LBS needs to draw a financial line in the sand, and separate the finances. This is her fantasy, and her journey, and you shouldn't have to pay for it, past behavior notwithstanding. If you are STILL being abusive to her in any way, or if her presence in your home is a danger to herself, then my opinion would obviously be completely different.
I will of course, make sure we have proper separation agreement in place - then be separated for legally required one year - then proceed with as simple divorce as possible.
so you'll be essentially paying her alimony for one additional year.
Originally Posted By: Indy36
Am I being naive in thinking that we really can make this divorce a simple one in regards to finances if I don't rock the boat?
depends on how badly she wants out. I have a SIL who walked away from a half a teacher's pension and a paid off home to live with another woman in 2 room apartment. they were in love. your wife might feel entitled to everything and find herself an excellent litigator and take you for a ride.
But immediately, You seem confused and overwhelmed with all of this right now. Why dont you take a break from thinking about all of this for a short while, see a counselor, consult an attorney, go out and try to enjoy life abit, your wife did give you a pass on getting "it" elsewhere (why dont you find out if she was bluffing, she got a pa pa pa poker face?)
and follow puppies advice, Say NO. Let her do all the work; dont bring it up nor talk about it till you get your bearing straight. as puppy said
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("I understand you want your space right now, but that's your decision, not mine. I have to look out for the family, and I don't think it's a good idea for you to run up additional family debt to finance a second residence for you. You'll have to pay for that yourself.") . . .
. . . and then see how "nice" she continues to be, and let us know.
I have to discuss finances to some extent, since she is signing for an apartment in the next couple of days.
Because I violated her and that caused her to leave, I feel that in some ways I should be good to her at this point. She has been an amazing wife and put up with a lot over the years. At least part of me says I should be a caring, good guy at this time.
Purely from a legal point of view, I need to keep in mind that getting lawyers deeply involved right away could cost me tons. And...I also have to be aware that if I really make her angry or hurt her more, she could destroy me. She could have me criminally charged for the night I violated her. That is a horrible reality, but I need to accept just how awful a thing I did.
But at this point, it's not just about protecting myself, it's about doing the right thing for a woman I abused and at the same time finding a way to keep my own interests in mind.
I appreciate everything you folks tell me, but if you really think about my behaviour, I put myself where I am and need to realize I am lucky that my wife is not making things much worse.
I have to discuss finances to some extent, since she is signing for an apartment in the next couple of days.
Because I violated her and that caused her to leave, I feel that in some ways I should be good to her at this point. She has been an amazing wife and put up with a lot over the years. At least part of me says I should be a caring, good guy at this time.
Purely from a legal point of view, I need to keep in mind that getting lawyers deeply involved right away could cost me tons. And...I also have to be aware that if I really make her angry or hurt her more, she could destroy me. She could have me criminally charged for the night I violated her. That is a horrible reality, but I need to accept just how awful a thing I did.
But at this point, it's not just about protecting myself, it's about doing the right thing for a woman I abused and at the same time finding a way to keep my own interests in mind.
I appreciate everything you folks tell me, but if you really think about my behaviour, I put myself where I am and need to realize I am lucky that my wife is not making things much worse.
Has she forgiven you?
Have you forgiven yourself?
Have you made changes and created awareness not to repeat your mistakes?
Sounds like you still feel guilty and it is keeping you from thinking clearly. Guilt is when you feel bad about something you have done, shame is when you think something is wrong with you as a person. We all make mistakes and have done things which we are remorseful for, the key is how do you handle things the next time a similiar situation arises.
Don't be so quick to write a blank check.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I agree with the effort. if she wants it let her earn it. I would lock down that line of credit right now today. It was the first thing I did. No more debt on anything you both jointly own. Cancel or place a hold on joint credit cards. Also get a new bank account to pay the morgage and bills out of that only you control. Then you have the choices of demanding her to pay half of the bills towards the house and half the mortgage and child support as well. Those are choices that you should seek some additional advice on. I know I will not talk finances with my was while she is having an affair. I also have her paying half the mortgage and half the common bills while I am still in the house. I also told her that she had 30 days to get her own car insurance and benifits. Which I removed after 30 days. We locked our joint accounts and kept one common accout to place money into to cover bills and mortgage which I control. But she has kept up her end of the bargin so far. The stick I have to swing there is exposure to work. Which she knows. So while I heal I am going to sit in my home and decide if I want to keep it or sell it. But she is not getting any of our marriages finaces while there is another man. Plus she needs to do the leg work to set up the rsrp transfers etc... I am not putting one stich of effort into it. She wants it she works for it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Because I violated her and that caused her to leave, I feel that in some ways I should be good to her at this point. She has been an amazing wife and put up with a lot over the years. At least part of me says I should be a caring, good guy at this time.
Purely from a legal point of view, I need to keep in mind that getting lawyers deeply involved right away could cost me tons. And...I also have to be aware that if I really make her angry or hurt her more, she could destroy me. She could have me criminally charged for the night I violated her. That is a horrible reality, but I need to accept just how awful a thing I did.
But at this point, it's not just about protecting myself, it's about doing the right thing for a woman I abused and at the same time finding a way to keep my own interests in mind.
I appreciate everything you folks tell me, but if you really think about my behaviour, I put myself where I am and need to realize I am lucky that my wife is not making things much worse.
Then I'm afraid there's not much we can do to help you, Indy. You're letting your past sin -- since forgiven -- stand in the way of doing what's best for your family, and it's a HUGE MISTAKE.
