Good question Jack...but technically very little for me. One of the wife's old college friends bought her a ticket to go home for the weekend and she is having a little reunion with three college classmates.
So I am on the low with two kids all weekend......she left this morning and I just got back from the airport. My agenda is easy...Last night I DJ'ed a wedding and for the rest of the weekend... 4 soccer games Grocery Shopping Cleaning Some business work Surely same play time with the kids and hopefully finished off watching some football tomorrow and maybe play a little too....have to see if I can ditch the kids...lol
Forgot to add....the running conversation my wife has been having with me continued this morning....we only had a five minute ride to the airport and it seems she needed to fill me in on everything she did for the last 24 hours (didn't see her since yesterday morning because of schedule).
Boy did she look good this morning....she woke me up right after she got out of the shower. Not a bad way to wake up
Well the weekend was very busy...Saturday morning was filled with soccer and groceries. BY the time it was all done, it was after three and a client called needing some information by Sunday. So after returning from soccer, I spent the next three hours gathering that information and the day was done. My wife called and talked with the kids and I for a few minutes.
Sunday was more of the same...Got the kids to clean their rooms and I did house work (6 loads of laundry in one day....personal record). Then soccer for most of the afternoon. The wife called and we talked for a little bit. Then I had some problems with my son so MIL talked with him on the phone for a bit and then talked with me. My two SIL's met with my wife and said she sounded great for the first time in a long time. That she had been going through two days of therapeutic discussions with her friends and looked happy...it was good to hear that. Then later in the evening the wife sent me a picture of her and her friends sitting on the coach together....I guess I am not completely forgotten...LOL.
Have a busy week scheduled with kids activities, business stuff, and school activities...hopefully I can keep the last of my hair through this week...lol.
I have created a world that is so busy between the kids, volunteering, house work, coaching, and running a business that I don't really know where I am. In regards to my marriage, I love my wife very much but have gotten to the point were if she needs to leave to be happy....that I am good with her leaving. Not the angry "I hate you" type of get out...more the deeper "I understand you are not happy here" and acceptance of that which is what she wants. I have accepted that no matter how much I change or what I do....she needs to fix herself first.
I really think HER telling me that this situation is not my fault was very huge for me. It made up for all those horrible statements and self-doubts that had been built up. A lot of pain was erased!
So maybe were I am right now....is that I am happy taking care of my kids and the business. There are things that could improve, but I am happy. I have found personal fulfillment in new areas that I would never have thought to go, made new friends, developed harder challenges and goals, but most importantly....have really developed a good relationship with my children! I think a lot of parents...especially those working feel like they have great relationships with their children (I did). Then I started spending a lot more time with them and discovered what I was really missing....and now we have a great relationship.
Right now...I think a lot has changed in the last few months. For my wife...the anger and hate has disappeared. She is still in a hole, but she has also accepted that. She now is seeing a therapist, starting AD medication, and going to see friends who are really looking out for her best interest. I think she has finally accepted that I have to come to understand what is has been like to be her as a stay at home mother. The constant running around, nagging, boredom, and never ending doctor appointments and and after school activities.
Our communication seems to be getting deeper and more honest each time we have a relationship talk. We have always communicated rather well, but now it can be brutally honest without some one being hurt or sad. It used to be so forced and turn into heated arguments...but those days are gone.
I won't hide behind an illusion that my marriage may be savable...but I think the friendship is very much alive. It may end up that she never again loves me more that like a brother. However things end up...I feel our relationship is better than it has been in a long time. No longer do I feel like I need to please her and I am sure she feels like she no longer does everything by herself.
Honestly...I can now see how a relationship saved from this type of situation can be stronger and better than before. I do hope that maybe I will get the chance to share that with my wife, but no matter how things turn out I am better as a person.
Does that make sense? Or do I sound like a totally insane person living in an illusion...lol
Oh...and a recent (last 10 seconds...LOL) update. My wife has requested that I add her back as a friend on a social network site.....Hmmmm....I am nervous...lol
Dang...Typed a long reply last night and it didn't post.
OW-Kind of out of the picture. After a big fallout in Feb that included physical harm to my wife...they stopped talking. Now they talk a little and the OW has a BF that she is head of tails in love with (Wife doesn't like that too much...is hurt OW never felt that for her)
Guy Friend-Disappeared after wife mentioned that I mentioned she was having an EA with him. Wife is miffed that he just stopped talking to her for the most part.
Then there are a few other little relationships that I am unsure completely what unfolded though I don't think they turned into affairs.
Her therapists has diagnosed her with Adult attachment disorder;
""Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy."
A lot of early childhood causes for this disease are apparent in my wife's childhood. She is also very clingy and needy during a relationship. What she herself mentioned might have happened with us....Is that when I started working 60-70 hours a week, she lost security in the relationship and her ability to be clingy. So she moved to somebody else who was available for her to be clingy to. Then she moved from that relationship to the EA...so this constant need for some one to be clingy to, combined with a boredom and hate of being at home is a tough hurdle. No wonder why I had always tended to be very affectionate in our marriage and dating...it was what she wanted and needed. She had stated it once in a letter...I had loved her more than anybody else including her family....now the reason for that statement really becomes clear.
Based on what I have read...I feel it might be very tough to save the marriage. Before we can make steps in that direction, I think my wife will once again have to feel secure with me...not just on a relationship level, but also financially, parenting, work, etc.....almost like dating again if she ever wants that.
Pretty freaky stuff and just another reason that divorce may cause damages later in life.
""Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy."
No sh it? Who doesn't have that? :p. That's like being a weatherman and saying sometime this year it will rain.
Thanks for the info, helps knowing the backstory.
How are you doing today?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Doing pretty well today actually. Got the kids up and out the door. Then did some small business stuff before going to the school for some volunteering. From there picked up the wife at the airport. Since that point I switched cars with a neighbor and finished up a little more work. This afternoon I have some pumpkin carving planned for a school exhibit and thomework and more pumpkin carving with the kids....busy day.
The wife looks worn out from her trip. Currently sleeping...but she did a lot of traveling in four days...so that is where I would be also.
How are you?...LOL. I found that keeping busy keeps the lonely bug away...also the boredom bug and gets a lot of things done
