I know I need to stop what I have been doing - it's only pushing my wife out the door faster. My major backpedalling pushed the move out date up 6 months.
I am trying to find something in me, to allow me to worthy of honor and respect. I am thinking I need professional help to do so. I really will try the rubber band idea.
So stop. Take a break. Take a weekend off. Go away for 2 days. Ontario is rather nice this time of year. Or go on a road trip with a buddy and hit a hockey game in another city. AHL , OHL , NHL does not matter. CFL even...
Give your kids and wife some time off from you. And give yourself some time off.
2 days is not going to change anything. But it will allow to recharge. Then when you come back. Go get this help that you mention. You really need to get some help. Go back to square one. If your going to detach and move on. Do it with love. Reread your entire thread and the advice that was given. And your actions and results.
But I truely believe you need to detach from yourself for awhile. Your just killing yourself right now with your confusion. So stop doing that. Recharge.
I really can't afford to take a weekend off. Really. And I don't have a friend that I could actually go away with for a few days. That's one of my problems. I was happy having my wife and kids and very few others in my life. Now, I don't have a true friend to turn to. I have to deal with most of this on my own.
I called a counselor today and am waiting for a call back. Hopefully I can see someone in 2 days. I have done some financial planning today, and that gives me some peace. We certainly won't have the lifestyles we are used to, but it's good to know that from that perspective things may not be terrible.
My wife won't be home tonight, so she will get a break from me and I will be sure to be positive with the kids.
Re-reading this thread is a good idea. I would like to read my thread from 4 years ago, but can't seem to do so. I found it and clicked on it, but it sends me back to the main forums page. All I have been able to read is the announcement that our divorce was busted - and I'm not sure that's a good thing for me to read right now.
I am going to go home - see my kids - watch some hockey - and likely take a sleeping pill to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
and what is with the taking advantage of your plastered wife. did she say 'no' and you continued?
NO, I did not take advantage of her. She was a willing participant. The final straw was the time I did take advantage of her in a weak state. I would never do that again!
i quess i am confused by this, you "did not take advantage of her" but you "did take advantage of her in a weak state?"
What is it? I am assuming she still holds this against you.
I am in Ontario as well. So under the same rules as you with the whole seperation and divorce laws.
I think taking a day off would not help me. At least when I am at work my mind is somewhat occupied. All I think of otherwise, it what my life will be like in 2 months. I try to tell myself that the loving thing to do is give up my happiness, so my wife can have hers. That looks great typed in a forum, but what about actually living a life you don't want for 40 years or more??
and what is with the taking advantage of your plastered wife. did she say 'no' and you continued?
NO, I did not take advantage of her. She was a willing participant. The final straw was the time I did take advantage of her in a weak state. I would never do that again!
i quess i am confused by this, you "did not take advantage of her" but you "did take advantage of her in a weak state?"
What is it? I am assuming she still holds this against you.
I think we are confusing 2 different occurences.
Yes, months ago there was a terrible incident that I explained earlier. And yes, that was the final act that made my wife decide to leave. She always felt that I "used" her and didn't respect her rights as a person. She is right.
But..I was referring to the time about a week ago, when we had sex while under the influence of marijuana. I certainly instigated it, but she did become an active participant. Still...this made her more angry when she could think clearly, the next day. She feels I waited until she was weak and used that moment to fill my needs.
I know it's my fault that our marriage is over. We had problems like anyone else, but all of those could have been dealt with. My wife is leaving because of my actions. The guilt is really tough to live with. It's also tough now that I clearly see what kind of person I was/am.
My only hope is that professional help with start me on the road to being a better man.
I try to tell myself that the loving thing to do is give up my happiness, so my wife can have hers. That looks great typed in a forum . . .
Um, no, it doesn't actually. Martyrdom is never attractive. I know, cuz I've done it too.
Puppy
Wow Puppy. I really must not be thinking clearly. I suppose I am being a martyr - still wallowing in self pity - still worried only about me. I have said this before here, but I have never been so lost before. I appreciate all of you being so straight forward with me. It seems to be the only way I get even part of the message.
Puppy...Coach...Robx...Steve McQueen: Looking for your usual honest thoughts about the following. This is going to be a long one, but I just finally came to the realization that this marriage is over and I need to work with reality.
I spoke with wife this morning and we discussed her moving out again. She is looking at apartments today and plans on "slowly moving out" between now and end of the year. She thinks it will make it easier on everyone. I agree that it will make it easier on the kids, but maybe worse for me. I suppose either way, the end result is the same.
I have already agreed to a financial plan that will allow her to pay rent while I keep up all other bills and stay in the house with the kids. It will be tough for a while to live in our family home and sleep alone in our bed, but it's better than living in some apartment. I would like to stay until the summer of 2011 and then sell the house - pay off debts and split what is left. There won't be much, but enough for me to make a downpayment on a smaller house and still live a reasonable lifestyle, since I make good money at what I do.
We have no liquid cash, but good equity in our home and access to a line of credit that we owe a lot of money on, but still has plenty of room. I have done the math and allowed for paying that off when the house sells - and my wife and I can both still walk away with some decent money.
Wife is asking to buy furniture for her apartment on line of credit. I know dbing says you don't help your spouse leave. But...at this point I am thinking it's time to not worry about dbing, but making things as comfortable as possible. For the sake of a few thousand dollars, do I start any kind of money talks? I don't want to be a doormat, but also don't want to add fighting over money etc to this, when there has been none of it so far.
It's important to note that my wife is still being caring and concerned for me, and is being very realistic about financial stuff. Neither of us will drag things through courts or anything. I will of course, make sure we have proper separation agreement in place - then be separated for legally required one year - then proceed with as simple divorce as possible.
I think I will always have the hope that my wife might come back to me, if I can really change myself. But...yes, I know I need to do it for me. I am aware that I have deep rooted problems that I never knew until recently. So..somewhere in my plan of not selling the house etc right now,is that it leaves the possibility of reunion there. But that is NOT my main goal. And over the next year or so, I may not even want that anymore.
Something hit me hard this morning, and I know I need to change everything. I need to accept the situation and start getting better and move on.
So..bottom line...at this point is it best to make her moving out easy, then focus on looking after myself and kids, focus on developing a life without my wife and once and for all, accept my future?
Am I being naive in thinking that we really can make this divorce a simple one in regards to finances if I don't rock the boat?
I rambled on here, but I hope you understand what I am asking. I also hope I have reached a turning point and can work from here. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, so maybe I hope I don't slide back into thinking differently.
Am I doing the right thing by making her move out easy and just getting on with MY life?
