If she's dead set on divorce, you take the kids somewhere. Why should she go?
I've had to be dragged, banging my head on the ground, steps, doors, along the way to the point where my W is. The M is over. Anything to commemorate it or celebrate it is just going to make everything worse.
The other thing is finances. Why waste money on a trip together that she really doesn't want.
A year ago we all went to Disney World. W hadn't dropped the bomb yet, but she was becoming more withdrawn and resentful every day as her depression deepened.
We'd saved for two years for the trip. My girls are 7 and 10. Disney World is a HUGE deal so I would never have canceled. But I felt deep down inside that this probably would be our last "family" trip. W and I had a huge fight the morning we left just because of the stress of having to spend five days together.
If you decide to go on the trip, you and the WAW need to clearly communicate on what your expectations are for the trip. Another example, at our 10 year anniversary, we went to Vegas alone, no kids.
It was her idea and a great one. I hoped it'd be a second honeymoon. She saw it as a chance to relax and get away from kid pressures.
We had S on the last night and it was fine, but I was really disappointed and I carried that around for three years until it came out in one of our fights.
She had no idea. To her, Vegas was a good memory and I ruined it.
So if you go, talk about what you want out of the trip and what she wants out of it.
I want the kids to have this vacation with their Mon and their Dad. I want that!
I'm not too concerned about the financial aspect of the trip. In the grand scheme of things it won't alter anyone's lifestyle.
We all do want to go and my wife and I have discussed the logistics of it. Since we both tend to drink when we are at an all inclusive, we won't share a room so nothing happens that shouldn't happen. We are just going to make the best out of a bad situation.
two months is a hell of alot of time. hell you've posted 20 pages in the past 2 months and she has what, threathened to move out 3 times. more? personally, I think she is too sick to move out on her own. The doctors dont even know what is wrong with her. Or are you just sick of her after 21 years? you have mentioned 'I just want this over with" alot? What other issues does she have?
What I dont get is the recent series of events of, the anniversary response of go have sex with someone else >> going to a movie with some guy >> calling to check up on you >> getting stoned and screwing >> talking divorce. somethings fishy.
and what is with the taking advantage of your plastered wife. did she say 'no' and you continued?
NO, I did not take advantage of her. She was a willing participant. The final straw was the time I did take advantage of her in a weak state. I would never do that again!
The whole thing is "fishy". It's a mess. That's why I sometimes say "I want it over". At least life without my wife will be simpler.
I think she believes she may physically feel better after the tension of being married is over.
You get a handle on what it means to be a man and you won't have to worry about getting your wife back even after she leaves the home, once you turn your life around and she sees that the change is real, you will be the one deciding if she has enough value for you to accept back in your life - that's the scary thing about how this all works.
BINGO. Bingo, Amen and Hallelujah!
Puppy
Whistles? The way to have value is to decide if other people have value? You can decide if you want them in your life, but deciding if another person has value? I'd have to say, who do you think you are?
Most of the problems on this board concern self-value and devaluing others, all the way back to childhood. Protect yourself Indy, you decide how to let other people treat you, but now how valuable other people are. Or that you don't want a relationship with someone because it's not best, not because they aren't valuable as a human being.
I think the mother of your children has some value.
The whole thing is "fishy". It's a mess. That's why I sometimes say "I want it over". At least life without my wife will be simpler.
I think she believes she may physically feel better after the tension of being married is over.
The whole thing seems fishy because there are seriously dysfunctional things going on in your family. Alcohol abuse seems to be near the top of the list. Not saying that to offend, but geez, there is plenty of mention of who's drunk when. Even your vacation plans are about drinking.
No marriage advice is going to fix the problem when the problems are either caused or exacerbated by alcohol. I'd have to go back and check but wasn't your wife drunk and suicidal at the beginning of this thread?
The whole thing seems fishy because there are seriously dysfunctional things going on in your family.
- wouldn't most of the situations on these forums be considered seriously dysfunctional? Some more than others but pretty much all of them, 256 different shades of the same grey, n'est pas?
I actually rarely drink and have no issues there at all.
There is no doubt that my wife has an alochol problem. That's another thing she thinks will get better after she moves out. She drinks to subdue the emotional pain. But...she also drinks due to the physical pain she is in due to severe arthritis. That won't go away. Stress does make it worse, but it will still be there.
Yes, she was drunk and "acting" suicidal early in this thread. This is weird - the more I read and type, the more I reliaze there are some things about my wife I will be thrilled to be away from. Wow...a silver lining.
If your going to step away from this marriage and your children. Do it with honour and respect. They will be in your life for all your days. You have a woman who is hurting and will need your support through out her life. As a husband or as a friend. Right now you cannot see that.
You have a daughter and son who need a father.
Stop.
Your hurting, your wife is hurting and your children are hurting. You can continue to add to this. Or you can take some actions.
Stop adding to the hurt.
That is an action. Try it for one hour. No spiteful thoughts. No negative thoughts. One Hour. Then find the thickest rubberband you have in the house. Every time you think negative thoughts pull that puppy as far as possible and let it go.
You will hurt yourself instead.
Continue to do this.
And think each time.
STOP. I WILL STOP. I WILL STOP. I WILL STOP.
ONCE YOU HAVE DONE THAT.
STOP.
Your 40 years old. Either you going to learn something here or you are going to have a ton of bitterness in your life. That is your choice. You have strangers here who are willing to take time out of their lifes to give you some support. BUT you do not listen. Nor do you understand to make a choice.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Cutterbug - thanks. I know I need to stop what I have been doing - it's only pushing my wife out the door faster. My major backpedalling pushed the move out date up 6 months.
I am trying to find something in me, to allow me to worthy of honor and respect. I am thinking I need professional help to do so. I really will try the rubber band idea.
If I am totally honest with myself, I still want to save this marriage. But, at the same time I think it's impossible and it's best for me to put my efforts into ending it well. I have never felt so "wishy-washy" and lost before. I know I need to man up and change that and stop feeling sorry for myself.
