Even though I am convinced there is a less than 1% chance of success, considering where we are, is it time to go dark? Time for LRT? Or, is it really time to move on? Unless, things change again we will be in the same house for 2 months and then on the family vacation before she walks out. DB Pro's what's the right thing to do?
I'm so sorry, Indy. The next couple months of "limbo" will be difficult. I know how tough it's been for me. My W will be moved out by next weekend...and although I don't want her to go, I'll be relieved. The way we've been living hasn't been healthy.
Good luck, Indy. I wish I had some advice for you.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Even though I am convinced there is a less than 1% chance of success, considering where we are, is it time to go dark? Time for LRT? Or, is it really time to move on? Unless, things change again we will be in the same house for 2 months and then on the family vacation before she walks out. DB Pro's what's the right thing to do?
Still the same old indy, you haven't listened to alot of what we've posted, and you still sound scared, insecure, worried, grasping at any idea that might turn this thing around.
Do you really want direction?
Seems like we give it to you and then you post for 10-15 pages and then ask the same question, I sense this same type of repetitive nature may be what turned your wife off.
If you really want a laundry list of items that you will do to change everyone's mind that you're not some weak man who is losing his world, I'll give you stuff but if I start hearing "I can't do that, and I can't do this", I'm pretty much going to stop trying. There is no use in giving advice to someone who doesn't want to take it.
Item #1: Cancel this family vacation.
You're doing it to make everyone like you, before you say no, yes you are, what else would be the reason for it? Your kids are in their late teens, they don't need a family vacation with you & your wife: most kids that age want a vacation from their parents and since they know that things between you & your wife are crap, you want to put them through a bunch of useless tension for what purpose? Your wife doesn't want to be with you anymore so you think you'll reward that behavior & attitude with a vacation: supplication at it's finest! I'm not enough on my own, I don't have enough value as is so I need to supplement who I am with gifts & vacations - maybe you'll like me more if I do these things and if you don't I'll be horribly devastated, why set yourself up for that type of misery?
These are things a weak & unattractive man would do.
You need to stop being weak & unattractive, you need to start taking control of your life regardless if your wife wants to leave you or not, in fact it's that attitude of not caring if she leaves or not which is probably going to make her stay more than if you do care - at least that's how it is right now.
It's not your insecurities, fears and doubts that take you down, it's you inability to recognize them and to become aware of them that hurts you the most. When you become aware of something it no longer has the ability to run your life. Take time to sit down and think about what your strengths, weaknesses, fears and doubts are.
A man knows who he is and what he wants. To know who you are you must have the courage to look WITHIN for the answers. Looking inward for the truth can be a scary thing to do. Most people avoid being honest with themselves for fear that they might find something they didn't want to.
Figure out what it is you want for yourself, NOT what someone else wants but what YOU desire - and I'm not talking about your wanting your wife. Don't you want to feel secure again? Don't you want to feel happy? Don't you want to feel confident & strong? You can't have any of these things if your self-value/self-worth is tied up into your wife and when she goes you'll be this broken worthless man. Her leaving you won't be the loss, not having those things I mentioned above in your life will be the real loss.
Indy I see some of you in the old me, and I really want to reach through this screen and shake the crap out of you and wake you up.
You get a handle on what it means to be a man and you won't have to worry about getting your wife back even after she leaves the home, once you turn your life around and she sees that the change is real, you will be the one deciding if she has enough value for you to accept back in your life - that's the scary thing about how this all works.
You get a handle on what it means to be a man and you won't have to worry about getting your wife back even after she leaves the home, once you turn your life around and she sees that the change is real, you will be the one deciding if she has enough value for you to accept back in your life - that's the scary thing about how this all works.
I really do hear what you are saying. Really. And I have always appreciated you being so blunt with me. But, there are times when I just can't do the things I should. Yes, I am weak. But I can admit it and know I need to be stronger.
Like, E-train I am feeling some relief that soon this will all end. In some ways, I look forward to the day it really is over. Physical separation will change things - hopefully for the better.
I want this vacation for us. I know it may not be the right thing. But it's not entirley wrong either. Please believe me when I say, I am not doing it to make her or the kids like me. I know it isn't going to change the future. We have talked with our kids, and they understand everything and they still want that last "hurrah". We all know what will happen days later, but we all agree on going. Right or wrong thing to do, I will not change my mind on this.
I just told my close co-workers about the divorce and that was a step towards moving on. These are tough, tough days, but I will survive and one day be a better man for my tribulations.
I really do hear what you are saying. Really. And I have always appreciated you being so blunt with me. But, there are times when I just can't do the things I should. Yes, I am weak. But I can admit it and know I need to be stronger.
Like, E-train I am feeling some relief that soon this will all end. In some ways, I look forward to the day it really is over. Physical separation will change things - hopefully for the better.
I want this vacation for us. I know it may not be the right thing. But it's not entirley wrong either. Please believe me when I say, I am not doing it to make her or the kids like me. I know it isn't going to change the future. We have talked with our kids, and they understand everything and they still want that last "hurrah". We all know what will happen days later, but we all agree on going. Right or wrong thing to do, I will not change my mind on this.
I just told my close co-workers about the divorce and that was a step towards moving on. These are tough, tough days, but I will survive and one day be a better man for my tribulations.
Fine, do what makes you feel better, I tried indy, I really did, some people are just prone to seeking out failure because they're not really used to feeling what success is - they're afraid to do something different and you have to hit rock bottom until you really know what direction up is. IMHO, including your co-workers in your personal life probably wasn't the greatest thing to do either: work life & personal life, keep them separate.
RobX - I know you are frustrated with me. You advice is likely better to be given to someone who will actually use it properly. I have really tried, but it looks like I am one of the people who just can't db. It doesn't make me a failure, just a failure at this. Sure, it's a very important part of my life, but it's not my entire life.
As for telling some of my co-workers, since I am in Sales my performance can be affected by tough times. Also, I work at a compnay with approx 25 employees and word would get around eventually. I feel some people deserve to hear it directly from me.
If she's dead set on divorce, you take the kids somewhere. Why should she go?
I've had to be dragged, banging my head on the ground, steps, doors, along the way to the point where my W is. The M is over. Anything to commemorate it or celebrate it is just going to make everything worse.
The other thing is finances. Why waste money on a trip together that she really doesn't want.
A year ago we all went to Disney World. W hadn't dropped the bomb yet, but she was becoming more withdrawn and resentful every day as her depression deepened.
We'd saved for two years for the trip. My girls are 7 and 10. Disney World is a HUGE deal so I would never have canceled. But I felt deep down inside that this probably would be our last "family" trip. W and I had a huge fight the morning we left just because of the stress of having to spend five days together.
If you decide to go on the trip, you and the WAW need to clearly communicate on what your expectations are for the trip. Another example, at our 10 year anniversary, we went to Vegas alone, no kids.
It was her idea and a great one. I hoped it'd be a second honeymoon. She saw it as a chance to relax and get away from kid pressures.
We had S on the last night and it was fine, but I was really disappointed and I carried that around for three years until it came out in one of our fights.
She had no idea. To her, Vegas was a good memory and I ruined it.
So if you go, talk about what you want out of the trip and what she wants out of it.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
two months is a hell of alot of time. hell you've posted 20 pages in the past 2 months and she has what, threathened to move out 3 times. more? personally, I think she is too sick to move out on her own. The doctors dont even know what is wrong with her. Or are you just sick of her after 21 years? you have mentioned 'I just want this over with" alot? What other issues does she have?
What I dont get is the recent series of events of, the anniversary response of go have sex with someone else >> going to a movie with some guy >> calling to check up on you >> getting stoned and screwing >> talking divorce. somethings fishy.
and what is with the taking advantage of your plastered wife. did she say 'no' and you continued?
