Well went to see the therapist today. It is a new therapist (husband of my old therapist) but his prices are affordable. We went over my history and discussed my wife a bit. He seemed actually surprised that I hadn't divorced her already. Overall a good first appointment and we made another on for next week.
Did a few more errands and got home for lunch at the same time my wife did. Since the kids aren't home, I decided to broach the legal aspects of the separation. Actually a very good conversation that my wife actually thanked me for and appreciated that I accepted that it was what she wants.
She did state she is confused because we are her family, but she wants her own space.
That she feels for me like a brother and not a lover. That she has felt that way for 2 years (hmmm....affair started approximately then...cause and affect maybe)
That I would initially have main custody of the kids (every other weekend with her)
That right now the financial aspect is holding us back from doing it.
Definition of boring; Uninteresting and tiresome; dull.
I think that was the word of the weekend...the funny part about it, I had way to much work to do to be bored. The lovely wife basically sat at her computer all weekend doing basically nothing other than complaining about boredom.
Moi on the other hand basically did not stop all weekend. Between cleaning (bathroom, vacuuming, laundry, dishes), working out, working, soccer, school activity planning, etc....boring was not in my vocabulary. How is it that some one can complain of boredom when there is so much that needs to get done? Purely because they don't feel like it....this MLC stuff just makes so little since to me. I can see how housework can be dull...but it does make the time go by.
The wife is going to see some of her college friends next weekend. It must be nice to not have the financial burden of children sometimes. The inviting friend (no kids) is paying for her plane ticket. I love my kids to pieces, but it would be nice to have money laying around to just go and buy plane tickets. Of course the not having children seems to be a prerequisite for her friends now...and her friends with kids are basically forgotten. I would assume that is another symptom of MLC because she doesn't have to feel the guilt of what a family should be like.
Overall the weekend was good. One funny conversation with my wife about how I am over compensating with the kids. That I do too many things like cleaning, cooking, coaching, and volunteering at the school. That I have become super mr. mom in her words...but what am I really to do? The kids need foundation....well off to work I go.
I would agree with it being completely guilt driven. More than once she mentioned she should be doing this or that, but "just didn't feel like it". In the end for me the proof is when teachers, other parents, the principle, or even the bus driver mention how my childrens behavior and grades have improved. I don't care if it is called "over compensation" or whatever...instead of collapsing, my children are flourishing.
For my wife that has to be very hard. Not to say she was a bad mother, because she was a very good mother. I really credit a lot of the improvements on parenting style changes I made. Changes that needed to be made and of course the situation opened my eyes to that.
Interesting conversation last night....one that makes you go hmmm. My wife has been diagnosed with a mental disorder that appears to make sense. Now she is going to research some medication and see a doctor to discuss getting onto some sort of AD. We discussed her guy friend and why she thinks he just disappeared...nothing big there. We discussed the co-worker friend who is obviously being manipulated by the wife...she actually admitted that and that he is just a distraction from her stress. She also pushed that there is no attraction to him either. Talked a little bit about body image and how she is confident with her looks and body. Basically all over the place!
She did mention two things specifically;
1) That she really doesn't want to be around anybody at the moment. She doesn't want to be home, but doesn't want to go out with people because she just wants to be alone.
2)In all her other previous relationship break ups she noted that it was the other persons fault. She followed that by saying I was the first person she did not blame for the failure of the relationship....hmmmm
1) That she really doesn't want to be around anybody at the moment. She doesn't want to be home, but doesn't want to go out with people because she just wants to be alone.
My wife felt similar. Though at times, I knew she had company. : ) However, after all was sadi and done, turns out he came over without her approval.
She did want to be alone.
Quote:
2)In all her other previous relationship break ups she noted that it was the other persons fault. She followed that by saying I was the first person she did not blame for the failure of the relationship....hmmmm
Similar discussion. Although, yes I had some major faults, that I admitted to myself.
Seems like a decent conversation. How do you feel about it?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It sounds like our wives are very similar in their thinking. Overall I felt strangely good....it was nice that she felt enough trust in me to open up that much. Overall I validated and listened...occasionally offering my opinion or view on certain topics (it was a good 1.5 hour conversation). One other thing I did pick up was that if the conversation stopped for 2-3 minutes and I left the room....she would start it up again within about 30 seconds. Even to the point that I sat down in another room and she shortly followed me to restart the conversation.
The validation from her that I was not the problem did help heal some scars from past. I am sure with all the truly horrible and nasty things an MLC can say and how those statements hurt a persons confidence. As with you, I did have some major faults that needed to be addressed. It is to bad that it took this situation to realize some of those faults, but we cannot change the past....only learn from it.
I remember being confused when my wife openly talked of her relationship with OM like I was an impartial observer with no vested interest.
While I was confused, I maintained a calm about me. To this day I believe it was a test of sorts on her part...from her cunning monkey part of her brain. : )
FYI - me and my wife stayed up until 2 am like stupid kids playing a new video game.
There is hope Lost.
You can have better than you had.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Oh yes....I have had many of those conversations. Many times I was confused and thought "just walk away and don't listen", but the heart said to stand there, listen, and be a friend. A test maybe....through all this a lot of people have said "what is really wrong?"...you get along...you confide in each other....you get along for the most part better than we do. So yes there is hope....even as bad as things are...I hear a lot worse from others including marriages not in peril....and if this is bad I would love to see it get good again.
Went to see the therapist today. His wife is my old therapist and my wife's therapist. He asked in our first meeting if he could share notes with his wife to which I agreed. So today we were discussing things that have gone on in my life in general and he just looked at me and said "I have so much respect for you....so few people are as resilient as you and would still be there. That shows so much about your character and what true unconditional love is all about." That felt good!
