Not a bleeding ulcer. That and a ton of other things have been ruled out.
Little thing worth mentioning...
Yesterday I had a special event at work that required me to dress up more than my usual business casual. I bought a few new pieces and put together a great look. Wife was in bed while I was getting dressed, and watched me. Anyway, wife was out of town on business last night and was texting d18. She told her to tell me that I looked really good. At least I know she noticed.
I called wife this morning regarding a basic issue. She wound up venting to me regarding work issues for quite some time. She then told me she won't be staying late at work tonight as she does EVERY Frdiay night for her "girls night". Odd.
Very bad day today. I have lost all my confidence and belief that there is any possibility of saving my marriage.
A simple comment to wife this morning, led to an R talk in which I forgot every db basic. I cried in front of my wife, showed my neediness and dispair. I was weak, unattractive, and desparate.
To make things worse, D18 heard most of conversation. That led to a rare talk between us, but that was the only possible good thing in an awful day. My daughter and wife are very close, and daughter told me just how much my wife wants out NOW and how much she hates living with me - even as "pseudo spouses".
Later, my wife confirmed she really does feel that way, and is only here now, for financial and logistical reasons. I also found out she does not want to celebrate our anniversary on Nov, 7 as she previously agreed to. Basically she just agreed to appease me. She is also more sure than ever that she will move out in June.
Even more pain - I found out neither of our kids want to stay with me after wife moves out. I had planned on staying in our house for the year separation legally required for "simple" divorce here in Ontario. It goes against my core being and dbing, but the only reasonable option at that time, may be for me to move out. I will deal with that probelm then.
Right now, I have to find a way to just be ok. I got smacked by reality today and it hurts. There is a danger in dbing - thinking that you really can change things. You need to be positive and believe, but that can also set you up for gut wrenching disappointment.
I am lost today. I want to cry. I want it over. I am empty. I ache. Somehow, I need to get it all back together and still try to save my marriage, but be better prepared for the worst.
Very bad day today. I have lost all my confidence and belief that there is any possibility of saving my marriage.
A simple comment to wife this morning, led to an R talk in which I forgot every db basic. I cried in front of my wife, showed my neediness and dispair. I was weak, unattractive, and desparate.
To make things worse, D18 heard most of conversation. That led to a rare talk between us, but that was the only possible good thing in an awful day. My daughter and wife are very close, and daughter told me just how much my wife wants out NOW and how much she hates living with me - even as "pseudo spouses".
Later, my wife confirmed she really does feel that way, and is only here now, for financial and logistical reasons. I also found out she does not want to celebrate our anniversary on Nov, 7 as she previously agreed to. Basically she just agreed to appease me. She is also more sure than ever that she will move out in June.
Even more pain - I found out neither of our kids want to stay with me after wife moves out. I had planned on staying in our house for the year separation legally required for "simple" divorce here in Ontario. It goes against my core being and dbing, but the only reasonable option at that time, may be for me to move out. I will deal with that probelm then.
Right now, I have to find a way to just be ok. I got smacked by reality today and it hurts. There is a danger in dbing - thinking that you really can change things. You need to be positive and believe, but that can also set you up for gut wrenching disappointment.
I am lost today. I want to cry. I want it over. I am empty. I ache. Somehow, I need to get it all back together and still try to save my marriage, but be better prepared for the worst. I need to make me better.
Is your love a real love or a selfish love, is your love about loving your wife or is it about what you're getting out of all of this?
Read that last part you wrote.
"I need to make me better"
What you're purpose with this. You want to do something but what's your goal?
Yeah you backpedalled something fierce and you pretty much destroyed any progress you had been making.
But so what.
Are you a quitter?
This is a test.
You are being tested.
Are you the kind of man your wife wants to be married to right now? NO
Can you be? Maybe - I think that part is up to you.
Do you love her because you're selfish and just want her to be there for you and do stuff for you.
Or do you love her because you love her and want to do things for you?
Someone made a pretty good analogy about this the other day, if you view your marriage relationship as an investment, where whatever you invest, you want greater returns from, you are looking at it the wrong way and setting yourself up for failure & disappointment. Don't expect to get more out of her based on what you invest in her & the relationship - you're not investing in your relationship to get something out of her, you're investing in her & the relationship because you love her and want to do these things.
Pick yourself, dust yourself off, start back on DAY 1, back to basics.
I think my love is real. It sure feels that way - now, more than ever.
When I said I need to make me better, I meant now. I need to get through this day. I need to be a better man for myself, my kids, for our future. But right now, I just need to feel ok.
No I am not a quitter. Certainly not at this. But...it's more than just "so what". I blew it.
I am sure to my wife this was not some test from her. She wasn't testing me. That's the reality that hit me today, she couldn't bother to waste one second testing me. I have failed every "test" in the past. She has no more tests for me.
Of course I am not the kind of man she wants to be married to. I wouldn't even know this site exists if I was. Can I be? Yes! Will she see it? believe it? be willing to risk being hurt again? I honestly don't think so. Sometimes one partner is truly done.
I love her because I do. I love her because it feels right. I don't love her because I want things from her. I can get things from other women. Yes, I want her to give me her world and give her mine back, but right now I don't actually expect anything in return for my love. I just want her to accept it.
As for your anology, today it feels like I am investing in Lehman Brothers the day before the poop hit the fan.
I have no choice other than starting all over again. The problem is finding a happy median between being realistic and being positive.
Can I really do my work so well, that I can actually bust our divorce for a second time? I refuse to give up, but it just feels so hopeless at the same time.
Very bad day today. I have lost all my confidence and belief that there is any possibility of saving my marriage.
We've all been there.
Originally Posted By: Indy36
I forgot every db basic. I cried in front of my wife, showed my neediness and dispair. I was weak, unattractive, and desparate.
Been there, too and not only duringpost-bomb meltdown. We all backslide; this is emotional hell.
You got smacked from all sides today, man. Go someplace, lick your wounds and come back and act out your life as if your marriage is truly over. It may very well be, based on things W & D said.
I will tell you, though, this certainly stood out:
Originally Posted By: Indy36
There is a danger in dbing - thinking that you really can change things.
If you've been trying to change your sitch you know you're setting yourself up to fall and fail. Change YOU. You have to. Besides, D18 is watching you. Watching to see what you do.
Originally Posted By: Indy36
I need to make me better.
Yes you do. It's all you can do right now. And do it you can. You must. Prayers for you on an awful day.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Went for a walk, made dinner for S15 (almost 16) and I, had a JD and coke and watched a little tv. I know I need to calm down for my sake and son's sake and to present a better me when my wife comes home tonight.
I think I really do need to truly accept that my marriage may be over. I thought I had done that, but honestly I have not.
I am preparing for another kick in the head.... Tomorrow night my wife is going to a "psychic party" with friends from work. I would bet anything the psychic will see a great future for my wife - without me. Sometimes, I swear the marriage Gods are against me.
Well Indy. Some times they are not looking at your marriage and looking at my marriage. Go to bed tonight and get a good sleep. Tomorrow when you swing your feet out of bed. Be happy. You made it another day. And that day will be a day with no R talks. If they start up at all just excuse yourself from the conversation. Lets see if you can make it one day with no R talk at all. And who cares about a psychic.
Too late Cutterbug. I got shot in the head with more reality when she came home last night.
She is now moving out in January. She still wants to take S16 and D18 away for Chistmas - one final family thing - and then move out only days aftr we return. I know going away will be best for the kids, but the next couple of months are going to be tough. Now that I know it's truly over, I just want it to be over in every way.
She has been playing a role, while dying inside and can no longer do it. She can never forgive me and can barely stand me.
I am going to go to work today, and tell the people I work with the truth. That one step may be the start of me living in my new reality.
I thank all of you for trying to help me save my marriage, and now I hope others can learn from my mistakes. I will still be here looking for support as I let my wife go.
