Leaving the Land of Insanity...

[kat727]

I think in no way would you be blindsiding him. He has the papers, he knows you are going to file and he probably knows that you don't want to. Do the 180 and have him served. He doesn't think you have it in you to look after yourself. Just my .02 cents.

kat

[mishka422]

He may serve me and blindside me but that isn't something I would normally do.

Step out of the normal. Stop playing nice with him. What is the point really?

Having him served is above board. You gave him every opportunity to get the danged thing notarized.

As far as the walzing into your house without knocking, calling, waiting at the open door to be invited in....BOUNDARIES. You read Boundaries in M. Have you read just BOUNDARIES? That man doesn't have any. I wonder how he would feel if he had his stupid house fixed finally and was having a quiet evening at home and you just opened the door and walked in like you belong there. Pose that to him BBJ. See what he says. He has no business in your house without your specific invitation. Make it known to him. Let him know what the consequences are if he violates it.

If you truly don't want a D, then just let the whole thing drop. Keep in mind though that you are giving him permission to continue to disrespect you while you spin in the wind 'waiting'. For what, I don't know. Dan isn't going to change without massive amounts of IC and it doesn't look like he's inclined to do that.

[BobbiJo]

My life has fallen down around me before,
-lots of times, for lots of reasons-
usually other people.

And most of the time
I was fortunate enough
To have a large lump of
That life hit me on the
Head and render me numb
To the pain and desolation that followed.
And I survived.
And I live to love again.

But this,
This slow erosion from below
--or within--
It's me falling down around my life
Because you're still in that life
--but not really.
And you're out of that life
--but not quite.

I do alright
alone,
And better
together,
but
I do very poorly
when
semi-
together.

In solitude
I do much,
In love
I do more,
but
in doubt
I only transfer
pain to paper
in gigantic Passion Plays
complete with miracles and martyrs
and crucifixions and resurrections.

Come to stay
or
Stay away

This series of passion poems
is becoming a heavy cross to bare*


*(pun intended)



This came from the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", in the section on "Limbo Losses"...of how limbo can be more painful than the death of a relationship...

Haven't bought the book but found it on Amazon and read a few pages on-line. May have to get it.

I am not married. I don't have a husband. I have the father of my children who used to be my husband. As long as I can think this way and act this way and make decisions this way, I can only get better and stronger. I cannot let doubt or fear or disappointment or pitiful hope control me any more.

I need to work when I am at work, play when I am at play, sleep when I should be sleeping, etc. etc. I have carried the monkey on my back too long and it has become some kind of giant ape; if I keep trying to carry it I will get crushed!

Working on true, lasting detachment. So glad he is gone to Canada and going to Asia. Less seen, easier done...

[BobbiJo]

Of course I am disappointed and sad, aren't we all on some level? The big picture is moving forward in a way that is positive for my kids, all things considered. They still think we will be getting back together. And I haven't decided if/when/what to tell them. I suppose nothing until the divorce goes through. Do you actually stop and say, "Hey, kids, we are divorced?" The last we told them was that daddy was moving out but we were going to try and figure out how we could all be together again...

[john210]

Hey BBJ,
I think the book is right, limbo is more painful than the death of a relationship because it lingers ....
My dad who is 79 and an uneducated Italian immigrant (who never held a self help book in his hands let alone read one) told me way back that what I was going through was like grieving a death. In this case, what complicated matters is that I needed to convince MYSELF that the marriage was dead. Otherwise, I would kill myself....slowly.
At the time I was still hopefull and in the limbo state you find yourself in (incidentally in spite of appearances, I still do not consider myself all the way back to normal....some might call it growth, maybe it is). Actually, we call it limbo but we are really at the mercy of THEIR decision. Until something happens inside and we say F#CK THIS! I do not need this Sh!T anymore, we just float. Later ... much later I had another "Eff this" moment and decided it was time to date and so it goes.
But none of it is possible until you believe that your marriage is dead. That is not easy to do when you have your spouse in your face almost on a daily basis (like I did when I was still at home and to a lesser extent later on).
Today, in order to protect myself, I avoid as much contact as possibe. I also talk to myself on a regular basis and it helps alot to be told that you are a good, a great person by the people around you (including the ex incidentally).
So why am I rambling on....no, not because I had too much vino but because of all the people that I followed on these boards, you BBJ would benefit the most from starting a new life with a normal partner. I also think that your kids would benefit from seeing their mom happy.
I am not saying that your kids will not be or have not been affected by what is going on. I think we can minimize the effects by showing them that we are strong and happy.
So, I feel your pain and I have been there BBJ and as always .... I AM PULLING FOR YOU BBJ!!!

[BobbiJo]

I have been thinking of a scene from Grey' Anatomy, but they happen in most medical shows. Where they are doing CPR but the person on the table is "gone".

But b/c of a promise the doc made, an emotional connection, or something, the doctor keeps trying and trying to revive them. Finally the other people in the OR have to convince him to let it go...

So when I think of turning toward Dan for anything, I remind myself that metaphorically, our M is dead on the table and I need to let it go

[sandycay]

oh Bobbi.... I think mine is too sadly... I guess we are only missing my H being out of the house. I am sure that is coming sooner rather than later.... your poem was spot on.... this is killing me too... killing ME... I don't know who I am anymore except a poor deserparte housewive trying anything short of hanging on a chandlier to get her H to love her.....

Anyway I think your feelings are spot on.

[moving_on]

Earlier you said that you were taking the "high road". Well it took me way too many years to figure out that there is a huge difference between the "high road" and being a "doormat".

Today I take the "high road" two or three times and then I see myself as a "doormat". I use that math with all my relationships and I'm so much happier. I've lost all the abusive and demanding people that have made my life dramatic and hellish. I really suggest you read the book I recommended.

[BobbiJo]

Was that the "Controlling People" book? I had to go back a thread or two to find the reference...may check it out, too, along with that book where I found the poem from above.

I wound up on IM for about an hour with current match guy. We have IM'd four or five times and sent about that many emails. He is a runner, too. Younger than me, 32 to my 34, never married and no kids. Wants to go running some time next week. Some harmless flirting, nothing major. Fun diversion...

Feeling a little lighter this morning. I am sure it will come in waves as it always does, but I know I have a bright future. Just not sure what that will involve yet. And I have come to realize that Dan will have a hard time being happy, whereas I stand a pretty good chance of that...even if he finds a woman who does give him that "spark", he will always know he walked away from a wife who loved him. He will know he screwed with a lot of people's lives (mine, ow's, our kids, etc). I will know I did the best I could do so it is hard to have too many regrets about that!

Sandycay that poem hit home for me. It is so true. That is what I think I was getting at when I went to the hotel and wrote for hours. I know how to be friends, but not 'just friends', and in limbo I am expected (?) to be that good, convenient friend with no other strings. Just not something I can do right now...maybe down the road when I have a sexy husband at home??

[mishka422]

"How to Survive the Loss of a Love",

My C told me to get that book. Haven't yet but you referencing it here is just the kick in the butt I think I needed. Thank you BBJ.

Yes, you will be happy. You know how to be happy. I honestly don't think Dan does. Being happy is not just a state of being, it is learned through our FOO and the people we surround ourselves with. If you surround yourself with people who are perpetually dissatisfied with life, you will be too. How are Dan's friends and family?