I hope we all realize that even our wayward (or formerly wayward) spouses would have written that, prior to their affairs.
Let that one sink in a bit.
In his phenomenal book, "His Needs, Her Needs," Dr. Harley chooses his sub-title very carefully, I can only assume: "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." The book was meant to be pre-emptive.
The best we could ALL do would be to continue to do the hard work necessary to gain self-awareness, and to make a conscious effort to meet our mate's emotional and physical needs.
Actually I wasn't talking about the cheating, I was talking about the cold indifference to the betrayed spouse's pain. That's what I can't imagine myself doing, but who knows?
I've been thinking a lot about this, and here's the best I can make of it. Add together years of unhappiness in M, lots of pent up anger, resentful feelings of obligation to marital vows, love chemicals over a new love interest, and extreme guilt over breaking the M vows. The result is an incredible shift in the way the brain of a WAW works, AKA the alien pod we've all experienced.
It's not JUST the love chemicals. Usually when someone is involved in a new love affair, they're happy. They're nice to everyone. In the wayward wife, they are viciously cruel to their betrayed husband, so something else is going on. I think it really is worth studying as a pyschological phenomenon.
Hi Future, I thought about your sitch last night and about your thread and want to apologize to you for any offense my posts may have caused.
I need to remember that this is your thread and leave my own cynicism out of it.
No worries GH31. From what you've described, you've been through hell and back, worse than myself and many others here. My W has always maintained a line of kindness back to me through this whole thing. That's the main thing that gives me hope.
So tonight I'm on my trip. Stuck in the airport, and I see the football game on. My W and I love football, it's a fun interest we've shared over the years. One of her favorite teams was playing tonight, so I text her after a spectacular play. She texts back and thanks me, as she didn't know who was playing. She starts watching the game at her place and we text back and forth a few times before my flight is ready to leave.
This would normally be a fun thing to do with anyone else, but I don't know why, it felt like I was pursuing tonight. I wanted to go pretty dark during this trip while she ponders the consequences of her decisions, and there I go texting her the first night I'm gone. Just seemed so harmless, and I hate holding myself back from doing something fun like texting her about something I know she'd be into. She replied very positively. Why do I think I screwed up?
At least she is always the one who texts last. Now that my work has started, I won't have time to call or text, and there is no cell signal where I work, so that should force me to stay distant!
Tonight as I drove back to the hotel, I saw she had sent me a long text excited about her football team, and telling me about the kids. Sure doesn't seem like she's trying to break away. Was too late to text her back, so as I said, my circumstances are helping me there.
I wish a former WAW would come on here and give me an idea of where my W's head is at. She was so consumed by her A with OM. Is she really turning back to me? Is she just forcing herself to try to see how it feels? I guess all will be made clear in time.
My neighbor told me a few days ago he found out his W is having an A. He's doing okay, but I can so sympathise with him. Funny, I always thought their M had the things my M was missing. A year ago when my M was crumbling, a friend of mine who got divorced a few years ago was shocked, as he always thought what my W and I had was what his M was always missing. Guess you never can tell.
SO, I know that you two have been to mediation right? How long do you have before your divorce will be final? It looks like mine will be final after we are done with mediation. I dont think it will be over night but maybe a week or two after?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Future, you can go look at Dia or Sandi2's thread, at least I think that it was Sandi2... Sandi is really good about offering advice, Ill bet if you asked, she could come take a look for you. Dia too.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yeah, we've been to four mediation sessions so far. First one was back in February. It's been slow going, because we take turns stalling. In the state we live in, we go to mediation to come to an agreement on legal separation, which has to be approved by the court. No lawyers are involved, just the mediator. Then we have to wait one year before either of us can convert it to a no fault divorce. Given my situation, I could just sue my W for divorce any time I want, but that would cost ten times more. Our state is trying to discourage divorce by doing it this way, and I think it's a good thing.
During our last mediation session, we together told the mediator not to prepare the final papers. I couldn't ask for a more positive sign than that.
