Journaling: Tuesday Morning: More good news! W called landlord yesterday to find out how she could get out of the lease on the apartment. The "For Rent" sign goes up today.
Journaling: Tuesday Morning: More good news! W called landlord yesterday to find out how she could get out of the lease on the apartment. The "For Rent" sign goes up today.
..... this pleases me ......
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Journaling: Tuesday Morning: More good news! W called landlord yesterday to find out how she could get out of the lease on the apartment. The "For Rent" sign goes up today.
NICE!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
M: "I need to ask. Is OM respecting your wishes?" W: "No. Not really. He had K contact me and ask for a book back I had borrowed. He said he wanted to meet for 'closure'. At first I agreed, but then realized it was a bad idea and e-mailed him that it was best if we did not see each other." M: "Is it harasment?" W: "No. He is just hurting. Why do you ask?" M: "I was thinking and its just that the 'I hate you statement' is concerning." W: "I think he was just angry." M: "Well. I know you know what is best." ...
I found this conversation uncomfortable. I think it was more uncomfortable for me than her. Anyway, I think she has a good guage on it and trust she will let me know if she thinks it is getting out of hand.
M: "I need to ask. Is OM respecting your wishes?" W: "No. Not really. He had K contact me and ask for a book back I had borrowed. He said he wanted to meet for 'closure'. At first I agreed, but then realized it was a bad idea and e-mailed him that it was best if we did not see each other." M: "Is it harasment?" W: "No. He is just hurting. Why do you ask?" M: "I was thinking and its just that the 'I hate you statement' is concerning." W: "I think he was just angry." M: "Well. I know you know what is best." ...
I found this conversation uncomfortable. I think it was more uncomfortable for me than her. Anyway, I think she has a good guage on it and trust she will let me know if she thinks it is getting out of hand.
Tristan,
It's VERY good that she was honest with you, and you need to get in the habit of saying "Thank you for being honest with me." You handled it with grace, and so did she. The "closure" line is classic wayward fogbabble, as you know, and it's VERY good that she caught herself on that. The only thing she should have done better/differently was to have a THIRD PARTY convey that "Mrs. Tristan is working on her marriage, and wants no contact with you. She asks that you respect her wishes. She did want to return your book, however, and wishes you well."
Is there a trusted person she can use as just such a third party?
Yes there is a mutual friend that she could use as a third party. However, she seems to be handling it relatively well and I don't want to nit-pick. Things are going well between us; so I really don't feel like bringing OM up anymore unless there is a real need. Do you think it is worth bringing up with W?
Yes, I do, as ANY contact -- even negative contact -- resets her withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00.
But I would be very delicate, and positive, in how I handled it. Something like "You know, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and it occurred to me that I never said 'thank you' for being so honest with me when I asked if OM was respecting your wishes. That's huge, and I really appreciate you being so honest and transparent with me. I also think it's huge that you saw thru his 'closure' bullchit, and instead just did the e-mail. (pause) You know, you're probably the best catch he ever had, and speaking as a guy, he's probably NOT going to just go away quietly. Do you think that maybe ______ (the third party you have in mind), or someone else, could return his book, and handle any future contact for you? It would probably help you put all this behind you."
My two cents is, whatever you decide to do on this particular matter, beware of getting into/back into a pattern where you're afraid to bring up possibly-contentious subjects because "things are going so well". Tiptoeing around each other isn't intimacy (and for my money, isn't a marriage either).
Is suppressing your own desires and/or concerns a price you wish to pay for continuing to be with your wife?
Whatever her health/emotional issues, she's the one who brought a third party into your marriage. Does her comfort trump your comfort on this matter?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
