Is it the deep-seated, irrational fear that he was right about all this and the reasons he gave for leaving, that I am a terrible person...so, I am trying to prove it was all his fault? The flip-side to his constant blame-game (so much easier to see in others than in yourself).
I think the very fact that you can be circumspect and question yourself about that is a strong indicator that you're just fine. You're just a normal fallible human being just like everyone else, except that you have the insight to try to check and manage yourself. If you didn't have these questions, then you'd have something to worry about. KWIM?
But try to not let these same self-doubts continue to drag you down -- we have to keep those in balance as well. (Easier said than done, I know.)
You can tell your kids that what their dad did was wrong. Cheating is wrong, adultery in wrong. The world has a moral fabric. If what he did was OK, they they are supposed think it's OK to break promises and break up families. Yet, at the same time, we must forgive people. Hate the sin, love the sinner. They love their dad, though they don't approve of what he did. What applies to their dad, to a lesser degree, applies to the OW.
That's all you can do.
Ummm.....How are you supposed to feel about the woman who willfully participated in the destruction of your marriage and the breakup of your family?
You are crying because you are human, and you were screwed over in a terrible way. This is not the way things should be. Your husband did an evil thing and the repercussions will last throught your children's lives. You are sad because you can't undo it. You are sad because you can't prevent this from hurting your kids.
But...you can choose to love and live with joyful passion. There is cruxifiction, but there is resurrection. Practice resurrection. I believe you have been doing that. Keep it up.
But you are here. You are a Divorce Buster. you are one of the good guys. You have shown character, kindness and hope. You are a lovely person. You have shown yourself faithful and true. All the guys here would be honored to be with a woman like you, Donna.
Heard this on the way home tonight, and actually felt hope. I'm not dead, yet, so it seems....
Quote:
So you think that it's over, say your love has finally reached the end Any time you call, night or day, I'll be right there for you If you need a friend
It's gonna take a little time, I know, time is sure to mend your broken heart But don't you even worry, pretty darlin, 'cos I know you'll find love again
Love is all around you, love is knockin' outside your door Waitin' for you is this love made just for two Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know
Love is all around you, yeah yeah, love is knockin' outside your door Waitin' for you is this love made just for two Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know
Love will find a way - darlin', love is gonna find a way Find its way back to you Love will find a way - so look around, open your eyes Love is gonna find a way - love is gonna, love is gonna Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way, yeah Love will find a way - love is gonna find a way back to you, yeah yeah yeah
[Solo]
Love will find a way - darlin', love is gonna find a way Find its way back to you Love will find a way - oh just look around, look around Open up your eyes now, honey Love is gonna find a way - love is gonna, love is gonna Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way, yeah Love will find a way - love is gonna find a way back to you, yeah, I know
Ya know, you probably just want to skip below. I'll post it anyway, but you probably already know pretty much what I'll say. If a strong unsympathetic 2x4 isn't going to help, just skip it. I don't really think at this point that it will be helpful, but on the off-chance... --------- Hey,
A few quick thoughts...
(1) Please try to take the pressure off your kids. You don't tell someone "hey, its OK if you like so and so," if it is really OK. Your kids know, they feel the pressure, it isn't good for them. Imagine a parent telling one of your students, "Gee son, maybe art is kind of gay, but if you really like it, go for it, I'll be fine, really." This does nothing other than broadcast the parent's disapproval of art and that the parent will in fact have a problem if the kid pursues it.
(2) To take the pressure off the kids, you have to get past your GF baggage.
(3) Why do you hold onto the GF stuff so tightly? GF did not cause the end of your M or the problems in your M. Your XH's betrayal of you was far worse -- he was the one in your M, not GF. Yet, you insist on holding GF as THE biggest evil. She is not. She cheated. Your XH cheated. GF is no less redeemable than XH.
You seem to have this conditional statement in your head:
If I let go of GF baggage, THEN it will mean that I am worthless and deserved to be treated like crap and am unlovable.
In fact, this if FALSE. Some strange woman from across the street who had an A with your XH and is now his GF has NOTHING to do with your value as a person or how you deserve to be treated or whether you are lovable. Nor does she really have much to do with you having those issues. But, you already know that.
Continuing to blame her and make your value contingent on that blame is keeping you very stuck. It is none to good for your kids, as she is effectively their step-mother, a half-sibling would be zero surprise, and they effectively have step-siblings already. SHE IS IN THEIR LIVES AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Let your kids have a good life with their father and his partner.
I had all sorts of childhood and teen trauma that my mother never knew about. Why? Because I knew it was my job to take care of her mental health. Do you really want your kids to have to do this for you?
Of course, if you quit blaming GF for the end of your M, then you’ll be left instead with the facts about the end of your M. Your M ended because it didn’t work. Some Rs don’t work. Indeed, most Rs don’t work. There is no need to place blame.
Would it really be a bad thing to accept that it was best that your M end? Are you still trying to win, still trying to be “right”?
People do bad things. XH and his GF treated you horribly. The A was wrong, the lies were wrong. Forgiving them both and moving forward does not make what they did right. Forgiving them both and moving forward does not give them power over you, instead it lessens the power you are giving them in your own head.
(4) Continuing to try to get through to XH and tell him about you is inappropriate. He is not interested in an intimate personal R with you. Stop intruding. What is in his head is none of your business and has nothing to do with you. It is as inappropriate for you to continue to obsess about his beliefs and to continue to obsess about sharing your insights with him as it would be for you to try to horn in on my husband’s personal thoughts, beliefs, and life. Your mental welfare is not his job, nor his responsibility, nor would it in any way be appropriate for him to try to manage it. Back the hell off your XH. You are not in a personal intimate R with him. You have no claims on him, he has no obligation to take an interest in your personal growth.
Why am I resisting this...fear? Of what, really? Why does it make me sick to think that the kids might come to actually like her - when that would make life easier for them?
Is it a loyalty thing? It feels like betrayal, again, if they find a way to like her. Is that fair to ask them, to take sides between their mother and father? Of course not...
I recently read an little essay my son wrote that said he had 3 loving parents, and I have to admit it hurt a little, but not as much as I thought it would. I am glad my son feels loved. I am secure in knowing how much my son loves me. She will never replace me as his mother, he will never love her as a mother. But he can feel loved by her without taking anything away from me.
Quote:
She said that the kids can't believe that their father left their mother for a monster....is it better for them to think he left their mother for someone who is better?
Their father left their mother for someone else, that is his failing and the kids know that on some level. But they love their father, so they will put that aside and have their relationship with him. He didn't leave you for someone better. A better person does not get in the middle of someone elses marital problems, that is something that a broken person does. So two broken people clung to each other rather than face their own failings. Is that better, no. But it is what is, so continue to be the mom you want to be and let go of the fears. Your kids will love you as their mom, she can't change that.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
He didn't leave you for someone better. A better person does not get in the middle of someone elses marital problems, that is something that a broken person does. So two broken people clung to each other rather than face their own failings. Is that better, no.
Very well said and I thank you for it. It seems Donna and I have a lot of the same issues with the gf in our xh's lives and their impact on our kids. I knew all of this somewhere in my head, but it was good to see it spelled out by an outside party.
Last edited by mishka422; 10/23/0907:01 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Let your kids have a good life with their father and his partner.
That is the thing that I am working towards...sooner rather than later. I know how important it is, and I know that my feelings have to be separate from the situation that the kids are in. I also know that feelings change with time...I can be patient with myself as long as I am taking care of my kids.
Friends, I appreciate all of your feedback. Like I said, it is the resistance between where my head is and where my emotions are. I don't think I am as stuck as I originally thought. Seems that things come to a head for me before I have another "click."
In actuality, I speak very little or not at all with the kids about their time with their father. I don't ask about anything except if they had fun, if they remembered to bring everything they wanted home, etc. S14 doesn't get into too much detail with what they do over there. D10 will tell me of the games she played with the other girls. No complaints of anyone being mean, or anything else. I can be grateful for that.
It is hard to trust two people who betrayed so completely. It is not just the gf at this point (I don't think I fleshed out that realization before). The anger that came up in the co-parenting session was at both of them - in the heat of it, I even said that I felt bad for the kids to be stuck with him for a father. But will either of them cause long-term damage to my kids? I don't think so - I don't think there is enough exposure (I thank God everyday that x didn't go for more custody). And I do think that both of them will bend over backwards to try to have the kids like them - if for no other reason that to make themselves feel better for all that happened. I had worried about x's propensity to blow up in anger at the kids - I had always been the calming influence. We played "tag team" when either of us got frustrated....with him having such little, and concentrated, time with the kids, I think the angry outbursts at the kids has stopped - he seems more careful with them. Maybe with all of this, they will get the best out of him.
So, I am trying really hard to get to that place...I think I am on the way (and have been for many months - things have been coming into focus faster in relation to the slow-down of my journaling).
With time, and I am thinking that, for me, this might possible turn out to be the case.
I am not sure about the long-term effects on the kids. But I can help as much as possible to better those odds, if I continue to work on me. I do hope that my daughter doesn't grow up to be blind to a man's disrespect...
The other point, about wanting my x to know my thoughts on things, either about myself, or my views on him... Nope, don't want to share, not really. I don't think he could comprehend and/or even listen, anyway. I've banged my head against that wall once too many times - finally learned.
"So, I am trying really hard to get to that place...I think I am on the way (and have been for many months - things have been coming into focus faster in relation to the slow-down of my journaling)."
