Your post gave me the courage to call her right after reading and tell her the truth about why I was upset last night - heck, it made me tell myself the truth!
I was calm and basically said that in my mind we are still married and when she spends the night with another man it upsets me. She may not care if I did the same, but we are different people in different places in our hearts and minds. I wasn't needy or wimpy - but I was honest with her and to me.
This resulted in another brief covnersation that actually went rather well.
She states this man is just a friend (considering who he is - I believe it) and that she has no interest in pursuing anyone else at this time. To quote "while we are still (just) living together, I have no interest in doing anything after our 21 years together".
So..I made my thoughts and feelings clear, but without begging or pleading. Good for me.
As for the trip, it's more about spending XMAS away with the kids as we do every year. I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, but as long as we are still "playing house" I think there is nothing wrong with going. The trip is not something I am buying to reward her - it's something we are paying for out of family budget for the family. I want and need my XMAS vacation and want to spend it with my kids. For me.
I know it's possible that my wife is having an affair of some sort with this man - or even another, but my gut just doesn't say so. And...my wife has always been the kind of person who believes two people can be friends regardless of their sexes. I believe she would be honest about it, since in her mind we are "only living together" and are only a "pseudo couple" - and she would feel no need to hide a new relationship.
Anyway...at this point, I think I have to go with my gut, but do a little snooping and keep the possibility in mind. At least I told her the truth about how I feel regarding either of us in relationships of any kind at this time.
Notes from the weekend. I made one of my goals - wife touched me for no reason. Nothing major - but still worth noting. She has a real issue with physical touch between us, and on 2 occasions yesterday, gently touched me in passing when not required.
I did some thinking and believe it's time to hit the reset button. I am going to really focus on a few of the db basics that I know worked last time - I think they are on Sandi's list: end the conversation, leave the room first, etc.
I really need to work on the positive body language. Going to do some self education on that today.
I also need to create some mystery. I am a creature of habit and a loner who likes to be at home. I need to force myself to not always be where she expects me to be. I need to GAL outside my home. I don't want to do things that aren't really me (changes for real - not just for show) but need to expand my horizons.
Busy work week coming up. Wife and I will barely see each other. I think that's a good thing. Being around her too much, makes me want more and I think she feels that. I come across as needy. Time to change that to needed.
I know it's possible that my wife is having an affair of some sort with this man - or even another, but my gut just doesn't say so. And...my wife has always been the kind of person who believes two people can be friends regardless of their sexes. I believe she would be honest about it, since in her mind we are "only living together" and are only a "pseudo couple" - and she would feel no need to hide a new relationship.
Except for the little problem that ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period. That's a pesky one.
Absolutely agree with you on the "getting back to DB basics" and "creating mystique," tho. If you do those things, it really doesn't matter if she's having an affair or not. I'd just rather see you operate from an assumption that she IS, than to build yourself up for possible disappointment that she ISN'T, when she still seems foggy to me.
Even though my gut tells me otherwise, I have mentally prepared myself for the possibility of another man. I think we should all prepare for the possibility of someone else.
At the same time, I don't want to assume that there is someone either. No need to add a factor that isn't there.
Bottom line is - right now it doesn't matter. Some day it could, but not right how.
My wife just called me at work because she thought she saw me drive by her while I should be here. Looks like some guy with a car like my unkowingly created mystery for me. I said "you could have just texted me". Of course, she called here to ensure I was actually here, instead of just claiming to be.
I know Puppy and RobX....maybe she thinks I'm not at work when I am supposed to be, because sometimes she isn't.
My wife just called me at work because she thought she saw me drive by her while I should be here. Looks like some guy with a car like my unkowingly created mystery for me. I said "you could have just texted me". Of course, she called here to ensure I was actually here, instead of just claiming to be.
I know Puppy and RobX....maybe she thinks I'm not at work when I am supposed to be, because sometimes she isn't.
That's a great story. When my wife was having her affair, she'd often call me at work, even though we were barely speaking at night when we both were home. When I'd pick up, she'd have some stupid excuse for calling me, and I quickly figured out that she was just checking to see if I was there, no doubt b/c she was planning a hook-up with Pimple (OM).
So I began to NOT ANSWER the calls, even though I was "safely" here at my desk, a 35-40 minute drive away from their hook-up house.
A little paranoia, and/or affairus interruptus, never hurt anyone, ya know.
She states this man is just a friend (considering who he is - I believe it)
I don't.
Me neither.
I would never have believed my wife could have an EA, even when the signs were all in front of me. She is totally not his type, either. But the emails and text msgs I discovered are hard to refute.
You're better off accepting the worst-case scenario (and be willing to forgive when the time comes) than living in denial.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
