my W doesn't regret her affair

[GH31]

Hello again Future,

I'm not sorry about the 2x4s and neither is Puppy.

I am however, sorry that you have to find yourself on this board.

You know you need them; understand that it's not an act of aggression against you - we really do want to see your family put back together.

This is so bloody hard.

I know. It's Hell; both Puppy and I realise that and have lived it.

I have sent her a strong message that if things don't change, I'm pushing for a divorce

You haven't son. You've sent her an equivocal message. Your actions have said anything but what you have written, from where we are sat.

but I also understand what you're saying. My actions are not clear.

See above.

My W is very charming, and we get along so well.

Your W has to be to ensure she gets both her family and thrill needs met from you and OM. How well did you get on before she realised that OM couldn't/wouldn't meet all of her needs as she first believed?

My W is also extremely charming and beguiling. I have to be very careful not to mistake charming for manipulative i.e. so that my W can ensure she gets all of her needs met from me whilst taking me for a fool at the same time. I would not say the same thing about anyone else's wife on here but I know enough about my own to have arrived at this conclusion.

Please proceed with caution Future and ensure you're not on the receiving end of some very cleverly calculated smokeblowing. This is the toughest thing you will have to deal with in your life. Enforce those boundaries that you've laid down. I bitterly regret not enforcing the ones I laid down to my own W and have paid for it dearly.

best

GH31`

[futureunknown]

I'm not sorry about the 2x4s and neither is Puppy.

You know you need them; understand that it's not an act of aggression against you - we really do want to see your family put back together.

Don't be. Of course I know there's no aggression. It is just what I need.

You haven't son. You've sent her an equivocal message. Your actions have said anything but what you have written, from where we are sat.

You are right. For the last couple months my actions have been very much not clear. She even said I was sending her mixed messages. Yesterday was the first time in a while that I felt I was acting with clarity, and I feel good about it today.

Your W has to be to ensure she gets both her family and thrill needs met from you and OM. How well did you get on before she realised that OM couldn't/wouldn't meet all of her needs as she first believed?

My W is also extremely charming and beguiling. I have to be very careful not to mistake charming for manipulative i.e. so that my W can ensure she gets all of her needs met from me whilst taking me for a fool at the same time. I would not say the same thing about anyone else's wife on here but I know enough about my own to have arrived at this conclusion.

Please proceed with caution Future and ensure you're not on the receiving end of some very cleverly calculated smokeblowing. This is the toughest thing you will have to deal with in your life. Enforce those boundaries that you've laid down. I bitterly regret not enforcing the ones I laid down to my own W and have paid for it dearly.

My W has always known she wasn't getting everything she needs from OM, since he's so far way, so she has always been willing to take whatever she could get from me, maintaining this ridiculous line of faithfulness to OM. She thought as long as we weren't having sex, she was being faithful to OM. Funny stuff actually! I get satisfaction thinking about him so far away, knowing that I'm right here all the time, sharing our kids with her, while he's left to believe her long distance assurances that she really loves him. Kind of pathetic actually. I haven't ever really felt sorry for OM, but it must be misery for him! Ha!

Before I knew about OM, my W was manipulating me in a very ugly way to get all her needs met, so I sadly know what she's capable of. After I found out, I shut down from her almost entirely. Coparenting our three little kids together made it impossible for me to go completely dark, but I was almost there. She just kicked into independent mode, believing that she was fine taking care of herself until she and OM could be together in some future bliss. She acted aloof from me, as though she was queen of the world. Her emotions started oscillating wildly last spring, and I knew her fantasy was starting to fall apart. That's when I saw my chance, and I started to offer little bits of myself to her. A little conversation here, a compliment there, always happy, always smiling and joking around with her. I was trying to rebuild her attraction to me, so it's not like my actions have been completely without purpose. The problem was that I was getting myself emotionally tangled in, and my detachment was faltering, and that's when my message started to become unclear.

Last year when she was manipulating me my gut told me something was not right. She was acting so sure of herself, and she would be cold to me one minute and warm the next. Now she's acting very unsure of herself, and I can read her well enough to know she's truly conflicted now. Still, I am trying to keep my distance and be cautious. What she says when I get back from my trip will be important. If she says she ended it with OM, I will be insisting she do what I need to give me the assurance I need, as in transparency.

Thank you for taking time to help me and give support.

[GH31]

Good morning Future,

You're more than welcome for the support. I really do feel for you because I've walked in your shoes.

She acted aloof from me, as though she was queen of the world.

Mine was exactly the same, acting like Queen of La-La-Land. She occasioned huge amounts of hurt on me and even more on OM with innumerable lies, and, by getting pregnant to me. Then when OM kicked her to the kerb she was making noises about getting our baby aborted so she could go to him and she had sex with him whilst pregnant with our son also.

There's nothing that these women won't do when they turn into wayward skanks and their brains get flooded with love chemicals.

Please hang in there.

[wifeleft2009]

Thanks bluerain. Yeah, I've finally declared my truth. Been a long time coming, but I think it was good that I waited until I saw a big crack in her armor, or it probably would have just bounced off. I think I got in. I am getting such good vibes from her now. This hasn't just been a journey for me. She has grown so much and it's great to see. My only real worry is that OM will do something drastic, like fly here while I'm gone to try to win her back. From what I can tell so far, he's a bit of a coward, so I doubt he'll do that, and even if he did, I think she might just see it as weak and desperate. I'm feeling good about myself and my situation.

you know the odd thing i see when I read many of these posts or even see some of it locally the men and women who go after married people often times are coward... not because im pissed that they do this but its the way they are idk if thay cant go out on there own and pick up the opposite sex on there own and they need to look for a place where they can slide into a fault or a problem area

[futureunknown]

Yeah, I can't imagine having that on my conscience for the rest of my life. In my case, OM is a man who was aggressively coming after my W when she was still living at home with me and our three little kids, all of which he knew about. Now I know my W was just as guilty, and was feeding him a bunch of lies about the state of our M, but she was very troubled. Why didn't he say "I'm flattered, but I don't want to get in the middle of your marriage. If you decide to leave, and you get your head clear of all this, give me a call and we'll see"? Because he's a lonely coward, who took advantage of a troubled woman.

[futureunknown]

There's nothing that these women won't do when they turn into wayward skanks and their brains get flooded with love chemicals.

Wow GH31, don't hold back, tell how you really feel! LOL!

I was also amazed how my W heaped pain on me without a care in the world. I try and try to put myself in her shoes. I mean, I was pretty miserable in my M too, so what if I had met someone I was just ga-ga over? Would I just throw my W under bus, and act like her pain was just an irritant to me? I have to say, I can't see myself doing it. Either that means I'm cut from different cloth, or it means I can't appreciate how whacked out their brains get. It's so bizarre.

[v1olin]

I could not do it either. Not even after sexual starvation for the last five years. I dont think I could ever cheat.

[GH31]

Hi Future,

Wow GH31, don't hold back, tell how you really feel! LOL!

Possibly a little too emotive here. For about the first year of posting here I would not have written anything like this. I have had a gutful from my W the last two years, so many lies, so much disrespect and the betrayal. This after having sex with me all the time and getting pregnant.

I also won't make or accept any excuses for the way they or I behave.

Please ignore any bitterness and rage which may emerge in the odd post.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I could not do it either. Not even after sexual starvation for the last five years. I dont think I could ever cheat.

I hope we all realize that even our wayward (or formerly wayward) spouses would have written that, prior to their affairs.

Let that one sink in a bit.

In his phenomenal book, "His Needs, Her Needs," Dr. Harley chooses his sub-title very carefully, I can only assume: "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." The book was meant to be pre-emptive.

The best we could ALL do would be to continue to do the hard work necessary to gain self-awareness, and to make a conscious effort to meet our mate's emotional and physical needs.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

Oh, and Coach, I expect at LEAST two whistles for that one.