When I came home from work last night, my wife was watching a movie with d18 and her friends. I got an enthusiastic "hello wave". This morning wife was friendly again and not nearly as cold as she has been either.
This afternoon, we may be home together. If so, I am thinking the timing might be right for a genuine, heartfelt apology - for the things I have done - but more exactly for how those things hurt her. Is this the right time - just as she seems to be waming up a little?
Wife and I were home together yesterday all afternoon and evening - but at no point did the timing feel right for the apology, so I never made it. I think it's an important part of the healing process and I need to make it for my own sake. Somehow it will help me to forgive myself which is important regardless of outcome.
Wife continued to be friendly and more talkative last night. The though part is to not get too excited by that or let that allow me to step past any boundaries. She is feeling quite ill again, but despite that has been quite pleasant to me.
Other than making that apology, I think it's time to back off again and watch for reaction. She may think I am getting too comfortable - and I just may be too.
Some interesting things to note from last night. Feedback appreciated on any:
When I got home from work last night, I purposely kept myself busy away from wife. Nothing special - just reading in bed while she was watching tv downstairs. She came to bed a short time later to read as well. When I got up a few minutes later, she thought I was leaving room and said something like "you keep running away from me tonight". I said "actually I was just going to remove my contacts and go to the bathroom". No big deal - but worth noting.
About 5:00 am she woke me up because she thought she heard someone in the house. False alarm, but since we were lying there unable to go back to sleep, I figured it was a good time for the apology. I think I said it well, but there was no response at all and keeping dbing in mind, I said nothing else.
Later I asked how she wanted to recognize our 17th anniversary next month. We agreed that going to dinner would be fine, but as for going to an inn for the night, her response was "don't you think that's a little romantic?"
All that lead to a brief R talk - the first one in about 7 weeks. Following are a few excerpts - somewhat out of context.
Wife - "I don't feel like having sex with you. That could change, and I don't mean to be hurtful, just honest". Me - no response
Wife - "You can have sex with someone else if you want. You are my pseudo-husband and I am your pseudo wife". Me- no reponse To me sounds like the comment from someone having an affair of some type - but not sure.
Wife - regarding physical contact of any kind - "You will get the wrong impression" Me - "How do you know that? - You have no idea how I think"
Me - I think lately things feel different - more relaxed Wife - "yes, more free" I think her using the word free is certainly of note.
Various comments I remember...
Me - I have the right to sleep in my own bed - if you don't like it, you can sleep elsewhere
Wife - we could be kinda married for 10 years
Me - yes we can afford for one of us to rent an apartment, but I am not leaving my house and kids
Me - there are laws here - we need to be separated one year before divorce
End result of conversation - we will continue to be "pseudo-spouses" in the same house until at least June - end of school year. So...it looks like I have 8 months to apply db skills before separation and in that time we have our anniversary, and annual XMAS vacation in Mexico which should be times to focus on the good.
Also, the conversation remained calm and neither of us went away angry - at least not showing it.
Wife and I may not see each other much until Sunday, but the next couple of days will be interesting. I will really try to "read" her.
I am sure I left out other things....but just remembered this -
Wife agreed to go to my company Christmas party. As I mentioned before, I have kept my personal life just that - personal and no one at my workplace knows of our situation.
I would like some feedback from the pros: Coach, Dia, Greek, Gucci, and of course, RobX. Fire away.
Wife - "I don't feel like having sex with you. That could change, and I don't mean to be hurtful, just honest". Me - no response
Wife - "You can have sex with someone else if you want. You are my pseudo-husband and I am your pseudo wife". Me- no reponse To me sounds like the comment from someone having an affair of some type - but not sure.
Wife - regarding physical contact of any kind - "You will get the wrong impression" Me - "How do you know that? - You have no idea how I think"
Me - I think lately things feel different - more relaxed Wife - "yes, more free" I think her using the word free is certainly of note.
That comment from her of "you can have sex with someone else if you want", that's a little unsettling, if she is giving you a free pass here, it could mean she wants to give herself a free pass as well.... or.... it could mean nothing at all, just someone who is uninterested in sex.
This could also be a test, women test men constantly, they want to make sure the men they're with are strong & secure. If this would ever come up again, and she says something similar, my response would be, "are you serious?! you mean you wouldn't get angry? COOL!!!" and smile at her.
Gauge her response.
When she says things like that to you, don't ask her if she wants to sleep with other men, you don't care at this point. Plus it would show insecurity.
Keep doing what you're doing as far as limiting your contact away from her, she is noticing, she may not say it out loud but she is noticing and she is wondering what you're up to.
When I got home from work last night, for some reason just being around wife put me in a bad mood. Normally, I would not let it show, but I this time I did. Nothing major - but wife immediately became cold and rude. She then went to a movie with a male friend from work (ea or pa?) and came home at 2:00am. They work in a restaruant bar and went there after the movie. Tonight she has plans to go out with work friends again.
Anyway...I think last night was a definite slip backwards. Nothing I can't recover from. Again, today though I have that "is this really worth it feeling?". I suppose you can't always be positive.
I'll get through the work day today and try to make sure I am better tomorrow when the family is home together.
When I got home from work last night, for some reason just being around wife put me in a bad mood. Normally, I would not let it show, but I this time I did. Nothing major - but wife immediately became cold and rude. She then went to a movie with a male friend from work (ea or pa?) and came home at 2:00am. They work in a restaruant bar and went there after the movie. Tonight she has plans to go out with work friends again.
Anyway...I think last night was a definite slip backwards. Nothing I can't recover from. Again, today though I have that "is this really worth it feeling?". I suppose you can't always be positive.
I'll get through the work day today and try to make sure I am better tomorrow when the family is home together.
That is crap.
She went out with a male friend to a movie and to a restaurant until 2am?
When is the last time she did that with you?
And you didn't bust her on it?
Boundaries? She is stepping all over them, she's pushing past boundaries and testing to see how much she can run you over.
And you're letting her.
Talk to her about it. Tell her it's not cool. You're married. If she wants to go out with her girlfriends and have an evening that's great, but what she did with that guy is pretty much a date - are you cool with that? Is it ok with you that your wife is dating others right infront of you? Put your foot down, not in an a$$hole type way, but in a strong calm way that says "you want to date other guys, fine. Do it when the divorce is final and when you've moved out, you aren't living here with me and sleeping in MY bed and dating other men, I won't allow it, I would rather you leave first. Respect this request or leave, the choice is now yours."
You're establishing that she can't date other men while she's living in your home and sleeping in your bed. She can sleep on the couch if she wants to, at this point, you need to show her you respect yourself, without this, she won't & can't respect you, I promise you this to be true.
This trip you have planned, seriously bro, you are rewarding her crap behavior by giving her gifts, you are training her for lack of a better word: "it's ok, you can continue to treat me poorly and I will buy you gifts, take you on trips, and be super nice to you because I'm not as valuable as you are and I need to do these things to equal your existing value."
Not cool and not the way to keep your wife either, counter intuitive but everything that works in these situations is counter intuitive.
Stop doing what doesn't work, start doing what does work.
If you are still planning to go on that trip, maybe go by yourself, get her to watch the kids, and take a friend, she doesn't have to know who, it could be anyone.
No more rewarding her crap behavior.
You mentioned the other night she started talking about freedom and that you could pursue sex with another woman, a few flags should start appearing in your mind on this: why would someone give this permission to you if they haven't given themselves the same permission already. I think she used the word "pseudo" to describe your relationship, pseudo-husband/wife, to her it's just a title right now, nothing more.
Playing xbox isn't GAL, getting out of the house is. She did it, she went out on a date apparently and you posted it here on the forum to get feedback, apparently it woke you up enough to think about it, that's GAL is. If you're staying at home all the time, that isn't GAL, she knows exactly where you are, where is the mystery in that?
