I do appreciate the 2x4s, and I know I need them on occassion. I am trying to keep myself at a distance. This is a test for my W, to see how far back she's come. She was the one who said she needs to end it with OM if we're going to work on us, and I've made it clear the alternative is divorce. My boundaries have been soft over the last couple months as I've tried to rebuild our R. Everything seems to be coming to a head right now. I absolutely realize my W may still try to be wishy washy, and try to keep OM in the picture. I need to let this play out just a bit longer before I drop the big hammer and really go away. Given how we've been talking, it would seem random and moody to just disappear now.
I do appreciate the 2x4s, and I know I need them on occassion. I am trying to keep myself at a distance. This is a test for my W, to see how far back she's come. She was the one who said she needs to end it with OM if we're going to work on us, and I've made it clear the alternative is divorce. My boundaries have been soft over the last couple months as I've tried to rebuild our R. Everything seems to be coming to a head right now. I absolutely realize my W may still try to be wishy washy, and try to keep OM in the picture. I need to let this play out just a bit longer before I drop the big hammer and really go away. Given how we've been talking, it would seem random and moody to just disappear now.
I disagree. You keep saying "I've made it clear." Your WORDS may or may not be clear to her, but your ACTIONS are anything but.
Your wife is a sick pyromaniac, playing with fire. Do you really think it's wise to "let it play out" what she does with those matches?
I disagree. You keep saying "I've made it clear." Your WORDS may or may not be clear to her, but your ACTIONS are anything but.
This is so bloody hard. I have sent her a strong message that if things don't change, I'm pushing for a divorce, but I also understand what you're saying. My actions are not clear. My W is very charming, and we get along so well. It's very easy for me to just enjoy that and forget about OM, especially when we're with our three kids, who we love so much. The thing with OM is so far out of my sight that it's hard to keep it in the front of my head, when here she is with me and our kids, and he's thousands of miles away. I feel like I have every advantage over him, so on the one hand I see him as no threat, on the other hand I have to realize he very much is.
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Your wife is a sick pyromaniac, playing with fire. Do you really think it's wise to "let it play out" what she does with those matches?
You're right Puppy. It's hard to take a strong stand when she's here being so nice to me. In my gut I know she doesn't want to lose me, but she's gotten addicted to the thrill of her international affair. I need to make it clear I won't tolerate this any more, and our M is on the line.
FWIW, your W will never re-bond emotionally with you to any great degree of depth as long as she had OM in the pic. Charming may be nice, but isn't deep love better?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I know this is hard. I had to go thru it, remember? Worst 3 months of my life, and it took TWO MORE YEARS for my wife and I to FINALLY get to a really good place.
I only have a minute, as I have to get to my son's baseball game, but I wanted to say that there's nothing wrong with making your time with your kids as positive as possible, for THEIR sake. Just watch the interactions between you and your wife, when the kids AREN'T involved, and try to pull back and let your ACTIONS say "I'm a civil guy; but make no mistake, I am NOT okay with this."
FWIW, your W will never re-bond emotionally with you to any great degree of depth as long as she had OM in the pic. Charming may be nice, but isn't deep love better?
Absolutely! Charming just makes it tough to keep my boundaries in place. Ugh!
I only have a minute, as I have to get to my son's baseball game, but I wanted to say that there's nothing wrong with making your time with your kids as positive as possible, for THEIR sake. Just watch the interactions between you and your wife, when the kids AREN'T involved, and try to pull back and let your ACTIONS say "I'm a civil guy; but make no mistake, I am NOT okay with this."
I had to coach my son's basketball team this morning. They rock! The other team didn't know what hit them. Amazing to see a bunch of 8 and 9 year old kids start to play as a team!
After the game my W wanted to talk to me. She was acting very close to me. Her walls are coming down, and although I'm amazed, I'm keeping my distance watching it happen. She said she can see I've changed, and she likes who I am, and how we are together now. I smiled and said "I like you too." She smiled back and said thanks. She said she needs to see if our changes will stick. She said she needs to be sure before she makes any decisions. I saw that as stalling, as per the observations by others here. I said "I understand what you're going through emotionally, but I'm not going to live in some crazy open marriage." She said "Oh no, absolutely, trust me, I hate where I am. I can't stay here long, but I need a little time." Still stalling, so I said "I'm at a fork in the road here W." She said "I know."
I have to go out of town for my job all of this coming week, so I said "Well, you got this week dropped into your lap, so use it." She said okay. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, then the kids and I drove away.
Im glad that you told her that you wont be in an open M! I think thats a big one. And the quote from antlers was excellent. Maybe you could even use it on her.
I also agree that shes stalling, hopefully shes just a little scared. But really, what shes keeping the OM around as a back-up plan in case your changes arent for real? Thats not how it works! Hopefully the next week gives her the time she needs. Everyone preaches patience, but dont give her that benefit until shes ended this A and deserves it!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks bluerain. Yeah, I've finally declared my truth. Been a long time coming, but I think it was good that I waited until I saw a big crack in her armor, or it probably would have just bounced off. I think I got in. I am getting such good vibes from her now. This hasn't just been a journey for me. She has grown so much and it's great to see. My only real worry is that OM will do something drastic, like fly here while I'm gone to try to win her back. From what I can tell so far, he's a bit of a coward, so I doubt he'll do that, and even if he did, I think she might just see it as weak and desperate. I'm feeling good about myself and my situation.
